While being single has it's perks, it definitely has it's downside as well. I would not lie to you and tell you that all of your dating situations are going to turn out positive. Lately, I feel like people have been dating me as some sort of conquest. One minute I am chilling, minding my own business. Then, before I know it, this person who I think is wonderful enters into my life. But unfortunately, it ends before anything ever really starts. Either that, or it does not progress any further than a great friendship. I think to myself, "Why did they even bother with me?" I'm not one of those people that is desperate to be in a relationship. After all, I certainly am content with my singlehood. However, people who enter my space give me a hope for something positive to happen in my love life. It gives me a different kind of smile to put on my face and provides a different kind of energy that awakens so many things that remain dormant in my heart. But, as many things, it never lasts forever. It makes me wonder why people feel the need to bother with me. Are they bored? Get a hobby and leave my heart out of it. Let me tell you: there are assholes out there who entered into your life for their own pleasure. They want what they want from you and once they receive it, they are gone before you even have a chance to blink or gain your thoughts. Everyone that is single is not out there to find a partner to settle down with. A lot of them are single for the mere fact that they want to be. Dating becomes something to do to pass the time and meet new people. Sometimes people use dating to fill some sort of void in their lives. Whatever reason, people have made dating a dangerous game instead of a fun, respectful venture.
A friend of mine told me a few years ago how I was an "emotional warrior" because I appear to jump from one romantic situation to the other without much problem. It was a compliment, which I received with a smile and laugh. However, little do people know the hurt and frustration that occurs between dating situations. It does take a toll on your spirit each time someone disappoints you. No matter how much it appears to others that you have it together, inside you are still healing. Yet, he does have a point. I do bounce back eventually, no matter what happens in my love life. It's like I told a friend of mine the other day: no one takes my joy away for that long. I am not saying that there are still not remnants of hurt from the previous situations. Yet, it does not hinder my life in any major capacity. I will live on without you and you will carry on with your life. It's like my favorite break up quote from my favorite show Living Single between Regine and her soon-to-be ex, Keith.
Keith: "I don't know what to say Regine. Other than, we can still be friends."
Regine: "We can Keith. Just not with each other."
(Sidenote: I hate when people say we can still be friends. No, we cannot! I barley liked you as a mate, much less a friend. And some of the things people do to others in the course of dating is not something a friend does to another friend. So save that talk for someone else. When we stop seeing each other, I doubt I am going to be calling you about what to have for dinner or how my day went. So we can be friends, just not with each other.)
Being an emotional warrior is a difficult task, only mastered through plenty of practice. I would not recommend you become an expert at it like myself. I honestly hope you never have to deal with heartbreak or disappointment too much in your life. I pray that your dating situations are not full of disappointments. However, if it is, you can easily be an emotional warrior as well if you keep the following things in mind:
1. The person who hurt you sucks as an individual. (You know someone has to suck as individuals in my posts...lol) Seriously, the person who can not see how wonderful you are does not deserve to be with you. Do you realize how awesome you are? They suck because they let go of the kind of person that would be an amazing asset in their pathetic lives. So, if they decide to leave, let them. Because they ultimately suck as individuals for not recognizing how fantastic you are. Yes, you are wonderful, awesome, and fantastic asset all at the same time. ;)
2. Maintain your spiritual walk. Your relationship with a spiritual source, whatever that may be, will assist you. This is one of the major relationships you maintain while you are single because in moments when human beings disappoint you, you can rely back on that spiritual source because it will never fail you. This spiritual walk provides you with strength. I believe a person is completely whole on their own when they are actively engaged with that spiritual side of themselves. Regardless of whether man loves me, I know God loves me. And that brings me joy. So whether it's God, Jesus Christ, Buddah, Auset, or Allah, you need to focus on a spiritual walk so situations like this does not hinder your spirit. That's the center of your joy, not a human being.
3. They were not the first person to hurt you, and they may not be the last. I know it's terrible to say. But, this was not the first time you have been disappointed. You have dealt with this before. You still have some remains of the previous relationship you were in. Even if this person was "different" from other person, they are still human. And unfortunately, human beings can hurt others. So, trust me, you can handle this situation. And I'm sure it will not be the last time you deal with disappoint. Because, like I said, dating has become a dangerous sport and human beings are imperfect. So 9 times out of 10, you'll be disappointed again. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it is simply keeping things in perspective.
4. Sometimes that person was removed from your life for a reason. Be thankful for that. You may find out that they are cheaters or liars. Why would you want to develop a relationship with someone who is hurtful to other people? What kind of relationship can you build with someone who sucks as an individual? Be thankful you did not develop a serious, committed relationship with this person because they would have ended up hurting you worse. And if you two did develop a serious, committed relationship, at least it is over and you have a chance to heal. Thank God that they left your life when they did. Remember, it could be worse.
5. The next person that enters into your life will be better than that person. Trust me. Even if it does not work out with the next person, at least they will be a step up from the person you previously dated. I remembered dating someone and I thought I could not find anyone better. The amazing thing about God is how she (yes, I said she, take that back to your next Bible study..lol) is able to open your eyes about previous situations once you are away from them. When I thought this dude was the best thing since sliced bread, I met someone who was definitely a step up from him. While that situation did not last either, it was a step up from what I had. So remember that each situation is a stepping stone towards your ultimate dream mate. I have faith that my next situation will be a step up from what I had. And that brings a smile to my face.
6. Keep in mind those positive aspects the person brought into your life. Maybe they opened the door for you to discover another side to you. Perhaps they were a great friend at the time. They may have shared a special family recipe with you. Regardless of what it is, that individual brought something positive into your life. Whatever that is, keep that in mind. While it did not work out, they did contribute something to your life in some capacity. You can be thankful for what they brought to your life and move on. No matter how terrible the split was, there was something you either learned or gained from being involved with them.
7. Allow yourself to FEEL the hurt for a little bit. I know that sounds odd. But, trust me, it is healthy for you. Someone told me a long time ago that each relationship that ends is like a death. You go through the motions as if you have experienced a death. You may yell, scream, cry, cuss, punch a pillow, threaten the person, etc. And that's alright! You should FEEL that for a moment. If you shut down, you are not dealing with those feelings in order to deal with the situation. You cannot go through this life as a zombie because some idiot did not see how awesome you were. So, go crazy for a moment. Nothing wrong with it. That way you can remember you are human and heal from that.
At the end of the day, we are all on the quest for this metaphorical notion of "love". Some were able to grasp it earlier than others. Yet, my sistahs and brothas in our 20s need to be equipped with certain tools on this journey of finding love. After all, heartbreak and disappointment is inevitable. However, it does not have to be the end of the world each time it happens. Take it from a pro, you will continue to live your life as usual. Life will continue to present you with various people until you find the one you want to share your life with. You may be taken off your rocker for a moment, but once you take a step back and evaluate the situation, you will come out of the situation a stronger person.
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