"You Should've Asked": The Theory of Non-Disclosure

The past few posts I have done may have been a little too much. After all, discussion on politics and religion are BOUND to put you on the "blocked" lists on Facebook and unfollowed on Twitter. With everything going on, it tends to divide people. So, let me attempt at reclaiming a sense of unity. Let us get back to that aspect of life we all can discuss regardless of race, sexuality, political preference, or religious affiliation. Ladies and gentleman, I am referring to the world of dating and relationships. Regardless of how you label yourself or your opinions about the various issues taking place in society, we all deal with relationships on some level. So, let me get back to my roots for a moment: ranting about dating.

One of the major things I have realized in my quest for love is that we do ourselves a disservice by making assumptions. I have done it. We all have. We assume that if he is coming up to talk to you, then he is not involved with someone. Or she must be heterosexual because she wears skirts. You assume that because YOU want marriage and kids that HE wants marriage and kids also. You may think that him picking out your outfit to go out to a club is bonding. You assume that you are mutual sex partners because you two spend so much time together. However, all these assumptions will get you in trouble in one way or another. After all, what word is in ASSUMPTION? I rest my case. So be careful before you start making assumptions about your dating situation. People love to make assumptions because it gives them a safe place in which to operate. I do not think people knowingly walk around being misinformed about their partner. A lot of people (myself included) probably think the best of people. Or assume that they would inform them of any impertinent information. So we commit the ultimate crime: we simply do not ask the questions. We "wait" for the conversation to present itself. Of course, so much time may pass, you may forget to ask those important questions. Unfortunately, you may run into a conversation such as this after a year of dating:

Person 1: So, if we were ever to get married, you'd have to understand that my hair appointments are important to me.

Person 2: I do not know if I want to get married. I just don't see myself as marriage material.

Person 1 (in shock). I thought you did!

Person 2: I never told you that. And besides, you never asked.

Person 1: (confused and hurt).

I am sure person 1 told person 2 that they wanted marriage. However, they assumed that since person 2 did not respond in another way that they wanted the same thing. Epic fail. This is when you end up with the conversation above. The problem is: we NEVER ASK! Closed mouths do not get fed. So, I decided to do ya'll a favor and create a list of questions that may APPEAR to be stupid, but are actually very necessary to sift through the dating situation with someone so you may not have the conversation mentioned above. They may seem trivial to you, but in the long run, they will be helpful for you.In fact, feel free to copy and past this questionnaire to an email and send it to your potential lover. However, you cannot be upset at me for the responses you receive. I merely provide the questions.

1. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? (I mean really, do you know what you are doing in the NEAR future? If you are an ambitious person and they cannot answer THIS question, LET THEM GO. They will become dead weight...in fact, YOU need to be able to answer this question...have some ambition for your own life)
2. What kind of relationship do you have with your family? Do you get along with your family or not? (Just a general "yes" or "no"...details can be exposed later. But just get the gist. Don't press it.) 
3. How many serious relationships have you been in? (You do not have to go into too much detail here...if they give you a number, leave it alone until you decide to visit the conversation at a later date.)
4. Do you have good credit? If not, explain why. (Now, if they say they got college loans, that's one thing versus having bad credit because they bought a flat screen on a credit card they couldn't afford...)
5. Are you currently dating anyone else? If so, please explain. (Doesn't hurt to ask...so if you are the other woman/man, at least you know...)
6. Are you currently in a sexual relationship with someone else? If so, please explain. (Again, it is helpful to know before you start becoming initiate with someone...)
7. Do you consider yourself straight, gay, or bisexual (or simply ask whether they are "fam")? Why? (This helps regardless of how you identify yourself...do not assume that simply because s/he approaches you that they are INTERESTED in you in an intimate way..they may just like hanging out with you Besides, if you identify yourself in a certain way, it can help you figure out whether you are even their preference.)
8. (Just in case you get confusion on question 7, you can ask this) Have you ever been in an intimate or emotional relationship with someone of the same sex? (Hey, I live in Atlanta...you can NEVER be so sure...)
9. Do you currently live with someone else? If so, please explain. (And please let them know that livin' with Mom counts...) 
10. Do you have any children, whether biological or a relationship you built with a child from a previous relationship? Please explain. (Imperative if you KNOW you do not want to be with someone who has that kind of responsibility...and whether you are ready to play step mom/dad)
11. Have you dated a woman/man with children before? If so, do you still have a relationship with those children? Please explain. (Hey, it may be something that comes up that may interfere with your time with them...)
12. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? (Gotta have a vision for your life beyond 5 years...)
13. Do you see yourself in a serious, committed relationship? Please explain answer. (Let me pause for the cause and go into a little more detail on this question. This is good whether you want a serious relationship or simply want to have a good time with someone. That way everyone is aware of each other's intentions. I theorize that people are not upfront with what they are looking for. If you want a committed relationship, do not date someone who just wants to "hang out". If you want to simply date around, don't waste the time of someone who is looking for a commitment. Just be upfront with what you want and maybe no one will get hurt. I said maybe. )
14. Do you see yourself married in the near future or several, several years from now? Please explain. (For those who want marriage, you may want to star this question...)
15. Do you want kids of your own one day? If so, how many? (Those who want kids, may want to get to this quick...)
16. Hold up, do you even have a job or unemployed? PLEASE explain. (In this economy...you gotta ask..lol) 
17. If employed, how long do you plan to stay at said job? (This is a question of ambition....)
18. What are your career plans? (Again, question of ambition...)
19. Now, what do you do for fun? (This is a bit of a trick question...because depending on what s/he does for fun may determine whether you have anything in common or whether they can teach you some new things. If they go to the strip club every weekend while you sit in your living room watching Redbox movies or reading, then you may have to think about whether you two have anything in common. However, if they go to the gun range and you have never been before, that could be a possible date for you two. You learn a lot about someone based on what they do on their leisure time. You can tell whether they are a nerd, adventurous, or outgoing. So pay attention to what they say they do for fun.)
20.What is the highest education you have obtained? (It's good to know whether your mate has a Doctorate or a GED. This is important for some people. Do not assume they have their MBA just because you do. And don't assume that everyone WANTS a formal education.)
21. If I gave you a piss test right now, would you be able to pass it? Please explain. (You can disregard this question if you TOO participate in these activities...)

This is NOT an exhaustive list! So, please do not get angry with me because I forgot to include a question or two. However, this is a decent foundation. Other questions can be asked based on the responses. But let us get the basics ladies and gentlemen! Even if the other person lies to you, at least you can say that you asked the question. If you find out they lied to you, then you have a reason to throw a tantrum. But how terrible is it to throw a tantrum about something you never inquired about. Then you just look like an idiot. The problem I have realized with dating is the fact that people do NOT ask the questions that they should ask. On the other hand, people withhold information thinking that the other person would not "understand" their situation. However, you would be surprised how many people may be able to handle the skeletons in your closet. Believe it or not brothas, some sistah's may be alright with you having a sexual relationship with other women. Sistahs, some brothas may not care if they found out you were with a woman at some point in your lives. In fact, that may be a dream come true for them. HOWEVER, the problem is not the actual information withheld, it's the fact that you actually WITHHELD the information. I was in a situation where I was dating someone who did not disclose information to me. Later, I find out about it. I was not mad at what they withheld. Heck, I could deal with that. It was the fact that they did not inform me. They failed to disclose the information to me. People do not trust that others could handle the information. And while that is true, there should be a level of honesty taking place. Lets aim to be more transparent when it comes to dating. You would be amazed at what people will accept.

With that in mind, I would theorize (yes, theorize..lol) that the problem with dating is not necessarily that people are innately evil or manipulative. I think people simply do not ask the right questions. Either that, or they do not ask at all. People make too many assumptions about people. If you do not ask, then people may not think to solicit information.While some questions may seem remedial, you may be surprised how much less confusion you will experience if you simply asked. I do not suggest that this will solve all of your romantic issues. However, it may be a start in really being honest with one another so there will be less people out there heartbroken....

The ULTIMATE Conspiracy of Chic-fil-A...Ya'll gave in to the hype.

First of all, I want to apologize for taking so long to write a post. Summer school has been kicking my tail, making it impossible to take time to write in my blog. However, this whole situation with Chic-fil-a has brought me out of my small hiatus. At first, I was not going to say anything about it other than the Facebook status' and Tweets I made over the past few weeks regarding the issue. Yet a part of me realized that was not enough. It became more evident that I was not clear in my position when I saw the comments that people made to my Facebook status or Tweets. So, let me take this opportunity to clear up how I REALLY feel about this issue. 

When I was an undergraduate student at North Carolina A&T (AGGIE PRIDE!!), I ate at Chic-fil-a almost daily. They built a Chic-fil-A in our student center, along with a Blimpe. Since I ate there so much then, I do not really eat at Chic-fil-A much anymore. So I was not really eating there prior to the CEO making his statement. While I love their lemonade and waffle fries, I would probably opt to eat at other places. But that's just me. Anywho, it's a shame that this is the second post I have had to do about this whole issue of LGBTI rights. A part of me is hurt to have to repeat myself over again. I feel like this is going to be an issue people will be fighting for many years to come. This issues have been here for many years and will continue to be here for years to come. This has become the new civil rights movement. Obviously it is not to the degree of the Civil Rights Movement during the 1950s and 1960s, but still an issue when defining human rights. We have yet to reach that in any capacity. First of all, people despise what they do not understand. Lets be honest: people just do not UNDERSTAND issues pertaining to sexual identity and preference. It's a little too "gray" and fluid for people to grasp. So, we marginalize instead of try to understand. We are too busy trying to marginalize one another for a piece of this mythical American pie that is full of racism, sexism, homophobia, and class ism. Yet we are diligently fighting for it because we think it will provide us with a sense of power and take us out of the margin. That's the real American way. We will step on our brothers and sisters just for some sense of power.  We try to use the "master's" tools to marginalize one another. However, Audre Lorde said it perfectly when she stated, "For the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change." Marinate on that for a little bit....

But, let me make a few observations about this whole situation situation and ask you a few questions to really think about the issue: 

1. I'm mad that he even opened his mouth. We all knew how you felt dude! Your company is even closed on Sundays! And quite frankly, I do not CARE how you feel about gay rights. That does not affect the way people live their lives. You will still have employees, customers,and stock holders who are gay (whether openly or not). So, honestly, I do not care how you feel about gay rights. You serve CHICKEN. I mean really. There are plenty of other places people can go to for some chicken. Besides, while you may support this whole notion of "traditional" marriage, there are plenty of groups out there lobbying for LGBTI rights. So your stance does not stop the movement from happening. Or stop people from getting their fried chicken. You are just making a statement to put money in YOUR pockets. Get off of my TL and Newsfeed with your useless comments. If you are not creating policy or pouring money into legislation, I really do not care what your stance is. (Sidenote: I heard he does financially support lobbying groups that support "traditional marriages". He has a right to do that. However, he does not give enough to make it a big deal...)

2. What IS traditional marriage? Who decided what is considered "traditional" marriage? God? The Bible? Well, marriage in the Bible was dictated in a different manner. Let's take a look at Ruth. When she "laid at the feet" of Boaz.Take a moment to marinate on what "lay at Boaz's feet" means. Many folks in the Bible were "married" but was that a "traditional" marriage the way we think of it now? If our ancestors saw the way we do marriage now, they may not label it as "traditional". Just something to think about. All the sudden we want to "uphold the Bible"? Yeah. Okay. I need this guy to define what he means by "traditional marriage" because that can be real ambiguous and socially constructed, not based on the Bible. And if folks believed in this notion of "traditional marriage" there would be a heckofalot less foster children, Baby Mama/Daddy drama, and less folks having premarital sex. Unfortunately, that is not the case even in the world of "traditional marriages". 

3. Yes, he has a right to say what he wanted to say. The First Amendment protects him. HOWEVER, while he has a right to say what he said, I will not CELEBRATE that he said it. I am not going to run to Chic-fil-A because he "upheld his First Amendment right". Newsflash: WE ALL have that right. HE DID NOTHING SPECIAL. Now people are going in droves to Chic-fil-a to support him doing something we all have a right to do. I just don't get it. To me, him utilizing his First Amendment right is not that deep. We all have that right. Besides, there are cases that even put limitations on the First Amendment.... 

4. I wonder what the reaction would be if he made some sort of racially or sexually offensive statement. What if he disagreed with African Americans receiving a formal education yet would still serve them chicken? Would we be going out in droves to support him then? After all, he would still be upholding his First Amendment right. Would we even be supporting his "right to speech" that if he made a racist or sexist comment? You do not have to answer that, just think about it. He made this comment about traditional marriages, but what would his next comment be? Could it be about you? Could it be a statement that made you uncomfortable? Folks are saying he has a right to say what he wants because it does not hit home for them. It does not affect you because it is not talking about you. It does not make you uncomfortable, so it's no big deal. But I am nervous that he will start speaking carelessly since he has so much support now. So be careful before you start celebrating something. After all, a lot of people hide behind the First Amendment to justify their negative comments about black people, women, or poor people. Yes, they have a right to say it. But like I said earlier, lets not celebrate it. 

5. Ya'll fell for the ULTIMATE CONSPIRACY of Chic-fil-A. Oh yeah, big time. Let me start with some basic facts. Chic-fil-A is an openly Christian establishment, the CEO made a statement about supporting "traditional marriage" that has been repeated within the news for WEEKS, and all the sudden they have an "Appreciation Day" for customers? Am I correct on those facts? I just want to make sure. While I am not surprised at what he said, this is not an issue of moral superiority or a discussion of free speech. At first, that's what I thought. But after thinking about it, I realized it's all about CAPITALISM and MARKETING. Think about it.Why does he all the sudden feel the need to make a sociopolitical statement as a business owner? The first thing I thought was, "Where did this come from?" He knew exactly what to say to get media attention. LGBTI rights is a MAJOR issue right now. He said what he needed to get media attention AND PROMOTE his business. Point blank: he is trying to market his BUSINESS. He did not need the cows on the build boards to market his business. We have been doing his marketing for him. He could probably fire his whole marketing department because we have diligently been working for him to promote his business, whether positive or negative. With that in mind, I would theorize that it has nothing to do with him "upholding Biblical values" or "his right to free speech". It has to do with the brotha trying to put a little money in his pocket. So before we start supporting his "right to say what he wants to say", let us not celebrate it too much. He knows exactly what he was doing. And you guys fell for it. I am sure more people will be going to Chic-fil-A, either to protest or support, putting money in his pockets. 

Nonetheless, the conversation still continues. However, I urge you my brothers and sisters not to give into all the hype without really THINKING about what is really happening. This is not necessarily a conversation about whether you support gay rights or not. In fact, this is more of  question about humanity and how we value (or devalue) human rights. It is a question of whether you will allow rhetoric to dictate your opinions or whether you will step out of the box and think about what is presented to you. Do not accept something simply because it appears to look "right". Take a deeper look into something so that you do not become a hopeless victim in conspiracies such as this. My professors always urge us as students to look at things beyond the surface. So I am urging you to do the same. Be smart people. Do not always give in to the hype.