The past few posts I have done may have been a little too much. After all, discussion on politics and religion are BOUND to put you on the "blocked" lists on Facebook and unfollowed on Twitter. With everything going on, it tends to divide people. So, let me attempt at reclaiming a sense of unity. Let us get back to that aspect of life we all can discuss regardless of race, sexuality, political preference, or religious affiliation. Ladies and gentleman, I am referring to the world of dating and relationships. Regardless of how you label yourself or your opinions about the various issues taking place in society, we all deal with relationships on some level. So, let me get back to my roots for a moment: ranting about dating.
One of the major things I have realized in my quest for love is that we do ourselves a disservice by making assumptions. I have done it. We all have. We assume that if he is coming up to talk to you, then he is not involved with someone. Or she must be heterosexual because she wears skirts. You assume that because YOU want marriage and kids that HE wants marriage and kids also. You may think that him picking out your outfit to go out to a club is bonding. You assume that you are mutual sex partners because you two spend so much time together. However, all these assumptions will get you in trouble in one way or another. After all, what word is in ASSUMPTION? I rest my case. So be careful before you start making assumptions about your dating situation. People love to make assumptions because it gives them a safe place in which to operate. I do not think people knowingly walk around being misinformed about their partner. A lot of people (myself included) probably think the best of people. Or assume that they would inform them of any impertinent information. So we commit the ultimate crime: we simply do not ask the questions. We "wait" for the conversation to present itself. Of course, so much time may pass, you may forget to ask those important questions. Unfortunately, you may run into a conversation such as this after a year of dating:
Person 1: So, if we were ever to get married, you'd have to understand that my hair appointments are important to me.
Person 2: I do not know if I want to get married. I just don't see myself as marriage material.
Person 1 (in shock). I thought you did!
Person 2: I never told you that. And besides, you never asked.
Person 1: (confused and hurt).
I am sure person 1 told person 2 that they wanted marriage. However, they assumed that since person 2 did not respond in another way that they wanted the same thing. Epic fail. This is when you end up with the conversation above. The problem is: we NEVER ASK! Closed mouths do not get fed. So, I decided to do ya'll a favor and create a list of questions that may APPEAR to be stupid, but are actually very necessary to sift through the dating situation with someone so you may not have the conversation mentioned above. They may seem trivial to you, but in the long run, they will be helpful for you.In fact, feel free to copy and past this questionnaire to an email and send it to your potential lover. However, you cannot be upset at me for the responses you receive. I merely provide the questions.
1. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? (I mean really, do you know what you are doing in the NEAR future? If you are an ambitious person and they cannot answer THIS question, LET THEM GO. They will become dead weight...in fact, YOU need to be able to answer this question...have some ambition for your own life)
2. What kind of relationship do you have with your family? Do you get along with your family or not? (Just a general "yes" or "no"...details can be exposed later. But just get the gist. Don't press it.)
3. How many serious relationships have you been in? (You do not have to go into too much detail here...if they give you a number, leave it alone until you decide to visit the conversation at a later date.)
4. Do you have good credit? If not, explain why. (Now, if they say they got college loans, that's one thing versus having bad credit because they bought a flat screen on a credit card they couldn't afford...)
5. Are you currently dating anyone else? If so, please explain. (Doesn't hurt to ask...so if you are the other woman/man, at least you know...)
6. Are you currently in a sexual relationship with someone else? If so, please explain. (Again, it is helpful to know before you start becoming initiate with someone...)
7. Do you consider yourself straight, gay, or bisexual (or simply ask whether they are "fam")? Why? (This helps regardless of how you identify yourself...do not assume that simply because s/he approaches you that they are INTERESTED in you in an intimate way..they may just like hanging out with you Besides, if you identify yourself in a certain way, it can help you figure out whether you are even their preference.)
8. (Just in case you get confusion on question 7, you can ask this) Have you ever been in an intimate or emotional relationship with someone of the same sex? (Hey, I live in Atlanta...you can NEVER be so sure...)
9. Do you currently live with someone else? If so, please explain. (And please let them know that livin' with Mom counts...)
10. Do you have any children, whether biological or a relationship you built with a child from a previous relationship? Please explain. (Imperative if you KNOW you do not want to be with someone who has that kind of responsibility...and whether you are ready to play step mom/dad)
11. Have you dated a woman/man with children before? If so, do you still have a relationship with those children? Please explain. (Hey, it may be something that comes up that may interfere with your time with them...)
12. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? (Gotta have a vision for your life beyond 5 years...)
13. Do you see yourself in a serious, committed relationship? Please explain answer. (Let me pause for the cause and go into a little more detail on this question. This is good whether you want a serious relationship or simply want to have a good time with someone. That way everyone is aware of each other's intentions. I theorize that people are not upfront with what they are looking for. If you want a committed relationship, do not date someone who just wants to "hang out". If you want to simply date around, don't waste the time of someone who is looking for a commitment. Just be upfront with what you want and maybe no one will get hurt. I said maybe. )
14. Do you see yourself married in the near future or several, several years from now? Please explain. (For those who want marriage, you may want to star this question...)
15. Do you want kids of your own one day? If so, how many? (Those who want kids, may want to get to this quick...)
16. Hold up, do you even have a job or unemployed? PLEASE explain. (In this economy...you gotta ask..lol)
17. If employed, how long do you plan to stay at said job? (This is a question of ambition....)
18. What are your career plans? (Again, question of ambition...)
19. Now, what do you do for fun? (This is a bit of a trick question...because depending on what s/he does for fun may determine whether you have anything in common or whether they can teach you some new things. If they go to the strip club every weekend while you sit in your living room watching Redbox movies or reading, then you may have to think about whether you two have anything in common. However, if they go to the gun range and you have never been before, that could be a possible date for you two. You learn a lot about someone based on what they do on their leisure time. You can tell whether they are a nerd, adventurous, or outgoing. So pay attention to what they say they do for fun.)
20.What is the highest education you have obtained? (It's good to know whether your mate has a Doctorate or a GED. This is important for some people. Do not assume they have their MBA just because you do. And don't assume that everyone WANTS a formal education.)
21. If I gave you a piss test right now, would you be able to pass it? Please explain. (You can disregard this question if you TOO participate in these activities...)
This is NOT an exhaustive list! So, please do not get angry with me because I forgot to include a question or two. However, this is a decent foundation. Other questions can be asked based on the responses. But let us get the basics ladies and gentlemen! Even if the other person lies to you, at least you can say that you asked the question. If you find out they lied to you, then you have a reason to throw a tantrum. But how terrible is it to throw a tantrum about something you never inquired about. Then you just look like an idiot. The problem I have realized with dating is the fact that people do NOT ask the questions that they should ask. On the other hand, people withhold information thinking that the other person would not "understand" their situation. However, you would be surprised how many people may be able to handle the skeletons in your closet. Believe it or not brothas, some sistah's may be alright with you having a sexual relationship with other women. Sistahs, some brothas may not care if they found out you were with a woman at some point in your lives. In fact, that may be a dream come true for them. HOWEVER, the problem is not the actual information withheld, it's the fact that you actually WITHHELD the information. I was in a situation where I was dating someone who did not disclose information to me. Later, I find out about it. I was not mad at what they withheld. Heck, I could deal with that. It was the fact that they did not inform me. They failed to disclose the information to me. People do not trust that others could handle the information. And while that is true, there should be a level of honesty taking place. Lets aim to be more transparent when it comes to dating. You would be amazed at what people will accept.
With that in mind, I would theorize (yes, theorize..lol) that the problem with dating is not necessarily that people are innately evil or manipulative. I think people simply do not ask the right questions. Either that, or they do not ask at all. People make too many assumptions about people. If you do not ask, then people may not think to solicit information.While some questions may seem remedial, you may be surprised how much less confusion you will experience if you simply asked. I do not suggest that this will solve all of your romantic issues. However, it may be a start in really being honest with one another so there will be less people out there heartbroken....
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