Old School versus New School: The Joys and Pains of Social Networks on Relationships

You remember the days when you would exchange notes between classes? You know, those times you actually had to put the pen on a piece of paper and write something that did not resemble chicken scratch? When I was in high school, a friend and I bought a notebook that we exchanged between classes that contained notes for one another. I recalled the anticipation while I sat in class, excited to read whatever she wrote in response to my note. You recall those "go out with me" notes? The ones we always looked forward to from that special someone that read:

"Will you go out with me?"

 Check Yes, No, or Maybe. 

You would hope and pray for that special person to write you this note. Believe it or not, that person actually put a pen on a piece of paper and drew the check boxes. That person would wait in anticipation for the person to check a box and return the note to them. That took real effort as well as courage. You had to REALLY like someone to go through all that. I never received a note like that. But, I prayed for the day that I would get that note from a crush of mine. However, I digress. Looking back at that time, you feel a sense of nostalgia. The days before text messaging, Facebook, or Twitter. A life where you had to actually leave your house to talk to someone, unless it was a phone call. It was the time were AOL started to emerge. You know, dial-up internet. Could you imagine waiting for 15 minutes to connect to the internet, all the while hearing the most annoying clicks and buzzing. People born after 1990 do not understand this concept. By the time they were in middle school and high school, cell phones and high speed internet became the norm. They don't even know about that anticipation because they were able to send text messages and Facebook messages instantly. I doubt any student nowadays carries a pen with them to classes because they rarely have to use them. Back in the note passing days, you had to have a pen. You may have not used it much for school work, but you used it to write a note or two. They were usually gel pens with different sparkling colors. Those were the days. 

Yet, the internet exploded. Before we knew it, AOL transformed into Internet Explorer, Internet Explorer became Google, Google became Facebook, Facebook became Twitter..dial-up became Ethernet  then Ethernet became wireless....and on and on. It seemed to happen overnight. Now I cannot imagine my life without Facebook, Twitter, or Google. It makes me wonder whether these major technological transformations affected our relationships with one another? I don't have to think about it too long to come to the conclusion that it did. I'm sure many of you would agree. However, in what ways did it change our interpersonal relationships? If I could make a comparison between the days of note passing and now, then I could pinpoint a few things that changed: 

1. Instead of passing a note asking, "will you go out with me," people simply click on "in a relationship with ____" on Facebook. That's how a relationship is official now. There was never much complication when we were passing notes. You knew by the time you got that note back whether you two were together or not. Nowadays, people just add "in a relationship" to their profile and that makes it official  There are also a lot of people who claim that their relationship status is "complicated."(Sidenote: if it is "complicated", I will go out on a limb and say that chances are you are NOT in a relationship...) That would not have been an option back in the day. There was less complication. Either you were together or you were not. Not much gray area existed. However, now dating is nothing but gray. Well, unless someone checked "maybe" on the note. But usually they checked "maybe" because they did not want to appear too eager ;) 

2. We have text messaging language now. When we passed notes back in the day, we wrote in King James English. Sure, we had BASIC acronyms, but  not to the extent that we have now. Now you need a text metalanguage dictionary in order to understand what people are saying. I learn some new text language everyday! I did not know what to do when someone sent me a "WYD?" I asked, "Is this a typo?" Believe it or not, I still type out full sentences when I text. What can I say? I'm a bit old school. But I do "lol" a lot. ;) 

3. We have technology etiquette now. This is essential when it comes to our relationships. For example, everyone knows its inappropriate to send a text to break up with someone. (At least I HOPE that's common knowledge...). No one sends a text or Facebook message in all CAPS because it appears as though you are yelling. People believe that it is rude to subtweet on Twitter. You cannot really "mention" someone on Twitter that you are dating because you can't let EVERYONE know who you are dating. These are just a few examples of the "common sense" rules pertaining to social media and relationships. However, the need for technology etiquette proves that common sense isn't so common.  

4. Long distance relationships are much easier. It's POSSIBLE to have a long distance relationship now and keep in touch with your significant other without much problem. In the note passing days, the only thing we had was email communication. Now you can Tango, Skype, Facebook, Tweet, Gmail Chat, etc in order to keep in contact with your significant other. Perhaps that's one great thing. This option expands your horizons. After all, your dating options are not limited to your zip code. 

5. A lot of relationships are STARTING online now. Think about it. Who meets someone at the bar anymore?! Who goes out and randomly meets the person of their dreams? It happens very rarely. Now you get on Facebook and connect with a former college classmate or sign on to Match.com to meet new people. You can date without ever leaving your living room. People claim that meeting someone online is dangerous because the person could be crazy. Yeah, the same thing could happen if you meet someone in the coffee shop. Crazy is crazy regardless of the means of communication. 

6. We are on our phones ALL the time! Ever been in a restaurant and seen couples sitting on opposite ends of the table on their cell phones? It's obvious they are a couple or on a date. Yet, they are sitting on their phones. What's the point of being on the date if you are both going to be on your phones? How can we really engage with one another if we can't have dinner without our phones sitting on the table? Are we really giving each other attention if we are on our phones? We really can be disrespectful with our phones now. I know I am guilty of that as well. However, you have to make an effort to make sure your significant other gets attention. For example, making an effort to leave the cell phone in the car is a great start. You may be amazed at the difference. However, being on our phones all the time takes attention away from our significant other. We do not engage with each other like we used to because we are so busy on our phones. 

7. People become extra suspicious and mysterious. All the sudden, we have to be suspicious of the other person more than usual. Our phones are within our zone of privacy. In fact, if someone glances at your phone while we are checking Facebook or Twitter, then you get offended. When our phone goes off while we are with someone, we try to hide it like it's some CIA code. For whatever reason, we become more mysterious with our devices. We do not want to share them with anyone. We put codes on our phones to ensure no one goes through our phones. We raise suspicion by being so mysterious with our phones. Ultimately, we never learn to trust each other. 

8. Because of social media, we have become lazy. Yes, lazy. We don't have to make too much of an effort during courting anymore. The days of walking to the person's car carrying their books is over. Now it is replaced by the Facebook Poke or a direct message on Twitter to court someone. No need to make that extra effort to court someone. Simply flirt via Facebook or Twitter without taking it a step further. 

Ironically, technology such as text messages and Facebook are intended to HELP us communicate with each other. Yet, they may have hindered our interpersonal skills and relationships. Social networks have allowed us to communicate with each other in a way that we could not before. But, has it hindered our ability to engage with one another? Have these means of communication actually caused us to distrust one another? I do not suggest living in a world without technology or social networks. That would be crazy, especially since I am so addicted to Twitter and Facebook. Yet, I do think it should not be the only means we use to communicate with one another. Sometimes it is good to incorporate the old with the new. For example, instead of always communicating with your significant other via text message, why not make an effort to call them once a day? In a former relationship I had, I did not know what they sounded like on the phone because we always sent text messages. That's not healthy. These social media networks and text messages are meant to assist in our communication. We should not rely on technology communicate with each other or build a relationship. We are human beings, who appreciate human connection and touch. Our relationships need intimacy, which expands beyond sexual relations. This intimacy starts with our communication. We can use social media to HELP with that. However, there's nothing wrong with an old school note, phone call, or a phone-less dinner. All these things simply take EFFORT. It appears as though the human component to relationships have been replaced by laptops and Smartphones. We have more intimate relationships with our phones and computers than we do with one another. Of course, I want my cell phone to call my significant other via Tango ( I love this app! It's so much better than Skype...) since we live away from each other. Yet, I also have my note cards from Target, ready to use my gel pen to write them an old school note. ;)