Dating a Friend's Former : Is it REALLY that deep?

Don't they look so cute in this picture? Before we celebrate, we may need to know the whole story. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy. They take random pictures of each other. But HOW did she meet the boy? Was it a friend's former? Hmmm? 

So this morning I read an article from one of my favorite feminist bloggers, The Crunk Feminist Collective. She understands a lot of the issues that educated, single sistah's deal with. Her blog today centered around loosing a friend in 10 days...over a dude. (Here's a link to the blog if you want to check it out: Crunk Feminist Collective ) While reading the blog, I thought to myself, "This isn't really true. A friend wouldn't do this to another friend." But, I slowly realized that it's very possible when it comes to dating. As single women, are we that desperate to obtain  marriage with 2.5 kids and the golden retriever that we can easily dismiss our friendships with one another? Is it like THAT?

There are a lot of associates in my life, but very few true friends. Sure, I can chill with you, but that does not mean that we are close friends. However, there are some women in my life that I consider sisters. These are the kind of women that will ALWAYS have your back, no matter what happens in your life. You are so close to these women that you even fight like sisters. But at the end of the day, you are my sister. I couldn't imagine letting a dude get in between that friendship. Over a dude? You cannot be serious. However, dating today is like an episode of Survival, where you are constantly coming up with new tactics in order to get to the next level. So, is it possible that we would compromise our friendships just to have an opportunity to be "Mrs. So-in-So"? Like my sistah said in the blog, I'm lucky enough to have friends who have different taste in men. That's why we fight like sisters, because we are so different. This extends to our taste in men too. Yet, could the dating game change that, where some women disregard the importance of female companionship? Honestly, a part of you wonders whether your life is destined to be in this endless, going nowhere cycle of dating. It made me wonder whether this level of frustration could ultimately lead to us making certain decisions about who we date. Granted, my friends and I all have different taste in men. Yet, what if she had chemistry with an ex boyfriend of mine? What if I meet one of her exes and started talking to him?  Would I make that move, knowing that I could risk loosing my sister?  Has this mundane, frustrating practice of dating caused single women to consider desperate measures in order to obtain the ring?

The other week I posed a question on Facebook about this topic. I asked whether or not a person would date a friend's former lover. I just KNEW that people were going to give me a flat out, "No!" While a few people did, I was surprised to find that a lot of people answered, "It depends on..." Now, the researcher in me has to consider the people who responded in that manner. Many of the people who said, "It depends" are intelligent, considerate, loyal people who have maintained relationships, both romantic and friendship. So, this research shed light on a few things regarding this topic:

1. The people who said, "It depends on.." understand that most situations are circumstantial. These folks are not desperate folks trying to grab a significant other in their lives. They are simply pointing out a realistic perspective on dating. They basically said, "things can happen depending on certain factors." Moreover, they recognize the fact that dating has become tricky. Things are not as black and white as they once were. We stay in the gray when it comes to dating.

2. People may not date a friend's former lover out of desperation. We assume that women  are so desperate to find someone that they will go through any lengths to get that ring. However, women who find themselves in this position are usually put in a certain circumstance. They may not necessarily be searching for it.

3. Women who ARE looking at your former ex's like they are a profile on Match.com are terrible friends to begin with. Period. If the woman intentionally investigates your former relationships as part of her dating pool, she was not your friend to begin with. And they suck as individuals. 

4. Time passed makes a  HUGE difference. When did you date them? In high school, college, middle school? If a friend runs into a former that you dated in high school, then they may not be be as pressed. However, if was it was a recent relationship that just ended a few months ago, then they may have some issues with that. Some of the folks responded in this way, I can dig that.

5. The KIND of relationship it was makes a huge difference as well. The question you have to ask yourself is, "What kind of relationship did I have with this former?" Was it a meaningful relationship or just a fling to pass the time? Within your 20s, you may only have a small amount of meaningful relationships. Your TRUE friends know that and wouldn't even consider dating them. However, we do have those people in our 20s where we just "kicked it" with. Whose to say that your friend may not have a meaningful relationship with your former part-time cuddle buddy?

6. It depends on what kind of relationship you have with that friend (or so-called friend). Now, if this chic is just someone you KNOW, then you may not care if she/he dates your former. I've been in situations where a girl I knew dated a former of mine. Did I go postal on her? Of course not. Because we were not close friends. We knew each other and hung out a few times. But we were not the best of friends. So she is now married to my former. And honestly, she can HAVE him. ;)

YET, regardless of  rationality and realities to consider, I honestly do not think I would date a former of someone I consider a friend OR associate. I've never done it and honestly don't think I ever will. How can I make such a bold statement about something I've never experienced? Well, here are a few reasons:

1.  It's not that deep for me. Let me repeat: it's not that deep.While I am single and annoyed with the whole dating scene, I don't think it's that deep for me to find solace in my friend's former. I believe there are plenty of other single people out there to date, despite the harsh statistics the media tries to throw out there about the lack of black men. (Side note: I personally think that's an economic, political conspiracy to cause single, black women to make certain decisions because they are freaking out that they will never find a good black man....but that's a blog for another day...)

2. Drama and conflict are bound to surface. Sure, you two can be mature adults about it. But, there will always be some level of drama attached to dating a friend's former. They would want to talk about it to you, and you won't want to hear it. You'll start questioning your relationship with that former, wondering what they see in your friend that they didn't see in you. You may even question your friendship with that girl that is dating your former. You two may even start sharing stories and/or the friend may ask for advice on how to handle certain things with your former. It just becomes messy. Whether it is an internal or external conflict, it will cause you some sleepless nights.

3. Friendships mean too much to me. Like I stated earlier, there are a lot of people I consider associates, but very few I consider real friends. When I consider you a real friend, you are like a brother or sister to me. I don't take friendships lightly. So, I would respect you too much to even cross that boundary. At the end of the day, this person may not stay in my life. However, I would like to think that my true friends will always have my back no matter what. With that being said, I wouldn't want to risk loosing a TRUE friend over some relationship that may not even work. Again, it's not that deep for me.

4. If it didn't work with a friend and/or associate, then what makes me think it will work with me? I am not here to assume that all your friends are the same. All my friends are different. However, I argue that ya'll may share similar values and morals. You know, those important things that you have in common. My true friends and I have similar perspectives on dating and men. So, 9 times out of 10, if it didn't work with my friend or associate, then I doubt it's going to work for me. And honestly, I'm not desperate enough to find out. I repeat, it's not that deep for me.

5. Be honest,  dating a friend's former doesn't simply "happen". I do not believe there is a switch that goes off when you meet a friend's former. You actively engaged in the activity of pursuit, whether it is texting, FB messaging, or meeting them for drinks. There's a chase of some sort. You start spending more time with that person. In other words, you know exactly what you are doing. It didn't just happen. So why open the door?

At the end of the day, I'd want people to know me as a good friend. Not perfect, but pretty good. My FB question and experiences help me  understand the desperation as well as the possibility of dating a friend's former. In your 20s, you start recognizing the lengths that people would go through to be a +1, even if that means possibly ruining a friendship. However, there are some things that I wouldn't engage in because it is not that deep for me. Even dating in my 20s, there are certain things that I would do to get a ring and certain things that I wouldn't do. Dating a friend of a former is one of them. Ultimately, the dating desperation in your 20s shouldn't lead you to compromise your friendships. After all, your 20s is a good time to establish those lasting relationships with other people, whether it is romantic or not. Why not focus on trying to be a good friend during your singledom instead of doing all you can so you are married by the time you turn 30? Is it really worth it? Is it really that deep? No ma'am, not for me.

"Oh No, They Didn't": The Aggravation of Cheating

We have all experienced it. Whether you were aware of  the situation or not, sistahs in their 20s have experienced some form of cheating within this time period. If we did a poll of the number of people who have been the victims (or the culprits) of cheating, then I theorize we would have a lot of sistahs sharing their cheating stories. This is a subject I have purposely ignored for a while because I recently was a victim of cheating. I suppose I did not want to talk about it until I was able to engage in the conversation without being pissed off. I couldn't even write a FB question about it because I did not want to admit to myself that it happened. Since I'm pretty much over it, I figured it is time for me to share this experience with other people.

I remembered the first time I was the "other woman". It was sometime in middle school. Yes, middle school. I met a guy at the skating rink. Of course that's not a shock. That's the only social activity you were allowed to do in middle school, but I digress. He pursued me that night and soon after we were frequently talking on the phone. That following weekend, I'm getting my hair braided. Come to find out, the sistah doing my hair was his current girlfriend. I was glad that she didn't mess up my hair. Needless to say, I broke it off as soon as I found out. I'm not sure whether she broke up with him or not. I know I removed myself from the situation when I realized I was the other woman. But this happened before the age of 20. You'd think that people would have enough sense not to attempt cheating after college age. After all, even Jesus said that everything that is the truth comes to the light. So why do it? Settle your tail down, you are too old for all that.

Some of my friends know about the situation I found myself in a few months ago with a former who reentered my life. He was one of those people that tended to jump in and out of my life for as long as I've known him. He was the first guy I met when I moved to Atlanta. He was my favorite Atlien, born and raised in Atlanta. I'm sure I fell in love with him harder than I should have. But there's always that person in your 20s that you can never really get out of your system. There's some hold they have over you. And you find yourself consumed by them most of your 20s, until you get to the realization that they are wasting your time. In your 20s, you may find yourself in those situations. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, and they come in and out of each other's lives throughout their 20s. They may date other people, but they always seem to keep in touch with each other, keeping each other in arms length. In other words, he's your main guy. However, you two have not formed a SERIOUS relationship. It's really is just a good friendship with benefits. We all had that person in our 20s. Some of us still have this person in their lives.

Just recently, we started to chat through text messaging. It was the innocent, "How are you?", "Good Morning" text messages. You know, the "let me see what he/she is up to" messages. Before I knew it, we were both in NC for a week. Long story short, we ended up seeing one another. Things got a little heated physically between us when we saw each other. Come to find out, I look on Facebook and see that he's in a relationship with someone. My heart is racing, my mind is asking a million questions at one time. I just knew this person had more respect for me. After all, this was my steady-non-relationship boo that I've been involved with throughout most of my 20s. I convinced myself that it was some clerical error. Come to find out, it wasn't. Yet again, I became the "other woman" in my 20s. I was so aggravated by the situation, I told him to loose my number. The moment I was about to click on "delete contact" on my phone, I realized that I could not let go of the number or the text messages. One question creeped into my mind, "What if I hear from the girlfriend?" Then another question came in my head, "What was it about her that made him decide to settle down with her and not me?"

Being a single, educated sistah in my 20s, I realize the following things about this lapse of judgement we call cheating based on this experience: 

1. Cheating leads to aggravation, confusion, and revelation. You are aggravated that the person put you in that situation involuntarily, confused by why they actually conducted in that behavior, then relieved when you find out how big of a dochebag they really are.

2. You dumb@$$! The people involved ALWAYS find out. I don't know whether he told his girlfriend about me or not. At this point, I really don't care because that it is on his head, not mine. However, I found out rather quickly and I'm sure the poor girlfriend will somehow find out sooner or later. This leads me to my following point.

3. When you cheat, you loose  power and control over your life. The moment you are dishonest, you always have to watch your back. Who wants to go through all that? Every time you go into a certain area, you always have to make sure that person isn't around. When your significant other is around, you have to be careful not to leave your phone or computer open because you will always be terrified that the person will find something about your infidelity.

4. Cheating is a manifestation of dishonesty. If you were honest with yourself and the other person prior to the incident, the cheating may have never occurred. That's our overall problem in dating that makes cheating so aggravating. Dishonesty is a contagious disease that infects everyone in it's path. 

5. The people who cheat (or knowingly involved in cheating) suck as individuals in the WORST kind of way. Yup, that's about it for that point.

6. Drama always follows after cheating...it may not happen RIGHT afterwords but it's coming...and it's not going to be pretty. If you want your drama fix, then DVR some Desperate Housewives of WHATEVER and leave regular people alone.

Being 20-something, you will ultimately deal with cheating on some level. And it is one of the most aggravating experiences that we will have to deal with. You'd think that people have matured past this juvenile, slow-bus behavior. Unfortunately, people still do it beyond their 20s. Cheating does not discriminate based on age. However, I argue by the time you are in your 20s, you should be able to handle your dating situations and relationships with a little more class. Of course, we will continue to stumble and make mistakes. Yet, cheating shouldn't be a continuous problem in our 20s. That's high school drama, grow up. The only thing you can do is be honest with yourself and the other individual. During our 20s, we should learn to be more mature in handling our business, whether in dating, relationships, finances, or career. So there's really no excuse for the nonsense. Take control over yourself by being honest with yourself. Then perhaps you can not harm the people around you. You may not be able to control those around you, but you can control your behavior. While people have been cheating since the dawn of time, it's a huge aggravation within relationships and dating. I say all that to say that  even  in your rambunctious 20s cheating is not cute on any level. Grow up.

Its only the beginning...

So I'm sure all of you are wondering what it means to be a single 20-something year old, educated sistah living in the 21st century. I'm sure you suspect that I am typing this introduction post in some fun after hour spot with friends swarming me. However, I'm already in my pj's in bed while eating leftover cake and strawberries while typing on a phone. Yes, on my phone. Isnt technology amazing? Anyway, that's really the life of the 20-somethin educated woman. You'd be surprised how boring it really is. People outside of their 20's turn their noses up at women my age. There's really no reason to. Our lives are filled with so much confusion, temporary joys, frustrations, aggervations, etc. Either people hate us or envy us. Think about it. Ladies and gentlemen over 30, do you REALLY want to be in your 20s again? Of course not! You want the advantages of being older while having the "freedom" and supposed youthful nature of a 20 year old. You can't possibly envy a woman who is swarming in student loan debt and typing on her phone because her internet/cable is gone. Yep, this is the life of a REAL 20-somethin graduate student. Its not glamour, but its real and humbling.

While I rant and complain about people's misperception of us, I can honestly say that I am loving each year of my 20s. Its a time of growth and transition. You are constantly transforming. You are open to learning about yourself in the world. You are alright with NOT knowing everything. Its just a great time to be alive. Many of us in our 20s are not where we want to be in our career or love life. Yet, these two things are open and evolving as we learn about ourselves. With that being said, a part of me somewhat understands why people have this love/hate relationship with us. We are just awesome. And we are experiencing a unique moment in our lives. This is the time to make several mistakes without getting the side eye. (Of course, some things stopped being cute at 25...but I digress.). In our 20s we develop relationships, start careers, make lifestyle choices. In a nutshell, we are at the prime of our learning.

So, with ALL that in mind, the purpose of this blog is to share those experiences of a 20-something, educated sistah. I loved my other blog. But I created it at a time where I didn't really know what I wanted to talk about. I had to discover my gift. That's another great thing about being 20. You can uncover sides of you that you thought you weren't capable of. Well, I discovered my gift: ranting about being single, educated in my 20s.

One of the main purposes of this blog is to discuss dating and relationships. With technology as it is, whether it is through Facebook, Twitter, Google +, PinInterest, it has helped AND hindered our relationships. How the heck do you navigate dating WITH technology? That's the plight of the 20-something, single, educated sistah. You may not exchange numbers until you have spoken on FB chat at least a month. Then its a text message saying, "Whats up?" And we wonder why our romance and interpersonal relationships suck. No one sends out wedding announcements anymore. Just put a photo of your engagement ring on FB.........all your friends will see it (and "Like" it) within 24 hours. Quick, easy, and simple.

So this is the place where I say those things you WANT to say. I will rant and rave about how aggervating it is to hear someone Tweeting about their hubby or complaining that they don't have a man yet. This is where I will share my past experiences within my 20s as well as current battles and questions. Im not ashamed to share my experiences, both shaped my understanding of who I am up to this point. As single women (and some married...not all of y'all, but some married sistahs) in our 20s, we shouldn't be ashamed to share and learn from each other. We all tryin to figure all this stuff out. In the meantime, we can rant, vent, complain, explain, and explore. And that's what this place is for. ;o)

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