Don't they look so cute in this picture? Before we celebrate, we may need to know the whole story. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy. They take random pictures of each other. But HOW did she meet the boy? Was it a friend's former? Hmmm?
There are a lot of associates in my life, but very few true friends. Sure, I can chill with you, but that does not mean that we are close friends. However, there are some women in my life that I consider sisters. These are the kind of women that will ALWAYS have your back, no matter what happens in your life. You are so close to these women that you even fight like sisters. But at the end of the day, you are my sister. I couldn't imagine letting a dude get in between that friendship. Over a dude? You cannot be serious. However, dating today is like an episode of Survival, where you are constantly coming up with new tactics in order to get to the next level. So, is it possible that we would compromise our friendships just to have an opportunity to be "Mrs. So-in-So"? Like my sistah said in the blog, I'm lucky enough to have friends who have different taste in men. That's why we fight like sisters, because we are so different. This extends to our taste in men too. Yet, could the dating game change that, where some women disregard the importance of female companionship? Honestly, a part of you wonders whether your life is destined to be in this endless, going nowhere cycle of dating. It made me wonder whether this level of frustration could ultimately lead to us making certain decisions about who we date. Granted, my friends and I all have different taste in men. Yet, what if she had chemistry with an ex boyfriend of mine? What if I meet one of her exes and started talking to him? Would I make that move, knowing that I could risk loosing my sister? Has this mundane, frustrating practice of dating caused single women to consider desperate measures in order to obtain the ring?
The other week I posed a question on Facebook about this topic. I asked whether or not a person would date a friend's former lover. I just KNEW that people were going to give me a flat out, "No!" While a few people did, I was surprised to find that a lot of people answered, "It depends on..." Now, the researcher in me has to consider the people who responded in that manner. Many of the people who said, "It depends" are intelligent, considerate, loyal people who have maintained relationships, both romantic and friendship. So, this research shed light on a few things regarding this topic:
1. The people who said, "It depends on.." understand that most situations are circumstantial. These folks are not desperate folks trying to grab a significant other in their lives. They are simply pointing out a realistic perspective on dating. They basically said, "things can happen depending on certain factors." Moreover, they recognize the fact that dating has become tricky. Things are not as black and white as they once were. We stay in the gray when it comes to dating.
2. People may not date a friend's former lover out of desperation. We assume that women are so desperate to find someone that they will go through any lengths to get that ring. However, women who find themselves in this position are usually put in a certain circumstance. They may not necessarily be searching for it.
3. Women who ARE looking at your former ex's like they are a profile on Match.com are terrible friends to begin with. Period. If the woman intentionally investigates your former relationships as part of her dating pool, she was not your friend to begin with. And they suck as individuals.
4. Time passed makes a HUGE difference. When did you date them? In high school, college, middle school? If a friend runs into a former that you dated in high school, then they may not be be as pressed. However, if was it was a recent relationship that just ended a few months ago, then they may have some issues with that. Some of the folks responded in this way, I can dig that.
5. The KIND of relationship it was makes a huge difference as well. The question you have to ask yourself is, "What kind of relationship did I have with this former?" Was it a meaningful relationship or just a fling to pass the time? Within your 20s, you may only have a small amount of meaningful relationships. Your TRUE friends know that and wouldn't even consider dating them. However, we do have those people in our 20s where we just "kicked it" with. Whose to say that your friend may not have a meaningful relationship with your former part-time cuddle buddy?
6. It depends on what kind of relationship you have with that friend (or so-called friend). Now, if this chic is just someone you KNOW, then you may not care if she/he dates your former. I've been in situations where a girl I knew dated a former of mine. Did I go postal on her? Of course not. Because we were not close friends. We knew each other and hung out a few times. But we were not the best of friends. So she is now married to my former. And honestly, she can HAVE him. ;)
YET, regardless of rationality and realities to consider, I honestly do not think I would date a former of someone I consider a friend OR associate. I've never done it and honestly don't think I ever will. How can I make such a bold statement about something I've never experienced? Well, here are a few reasons:
1. It's not that deep for me. Let me repeat: it's not that deep.While I am single and annoyed with the whole dating scene, I don't think it's that deep for me to find solace in my friend's former. I believe there are plenty of other single people out there to date, despite the harsh statistics the media tries to throw out there about the lack of black men. (Side note: I personally think that's an economic, political conspiracy to cause single, black women to make certain decisions because they are freaking out that they will never find a good black man....but that's a blog for another day...)
2. Drama and conflict are bound to surface. Sure, you two can be mature adults about it. But, there will always be some level of drama attached to dating a friend's former. They would want to talk about it to you, and you won't want to hear it. You'll start questioning your relationship with that former, wondering what they see in your friend that they didn't see in you. You may even question your friendship with that girl that is dating your former. You two may even start sharing stories and/or the friend may ask for advice on how to handle certain things with your former. It just becomes messy. Whether it is an internal or external conflict, it will cause you some sleepless nights.
3. Friendships mean too much to me. Like I stated earlier, there are a lot of people I consider associates, but very few I consider real friends. When I consider you a real friend, you are like a brother or sister to me. I don't take friendships lightly. So, I would respect you too much to even cross that boundary. At the end of the day, this person may not stay in my life. However, I would like to think that my true friends will always have my back no matter what. With that being said, I wouldn't want to risk loosing a TRUE friend over some relationship that may not even work. Again, it's not that deep for me.
4. If it didn't work with a friend and/or associate, then what makes me think it will work with me? I am not here to assume that all your friends are the same. All my friends are different. However, I argue that ya'll may share similar values and morals. You know, those important things that you have in common. My true friends and I have similar perspectives on dating and men. So, 9 times out of 10, if it didn't work with my friend or associate, then I doubt it's going to work for me. And honestly, I'm not desperate enough to find out. I repeat, it's not that deep for me.
5. Be honest, dating a friend's former doesn't simply "happen". I do not believe there is a switch that goes off when you meet a friend's former. You actively engaged in the activity of pursuit, whether it is texting, FB messaging, or meeting them for drinks. There's a chase of some sort. You start spending more time with that person. In other words, you know exactly what you are doing. It didn't just happen. So why open the door?
At the end of the day, I'd want people to know me as a good friend. Not perfect, but pretty good. My FB question and experiences help me understand the desperation as well as the possibility of dating a friend's former. In your 20s, you start recognizing the lengths that people would go through to be a +1, even if that means possibly ruining a friendship. However, there are some things that I wouldn't engage in because it is not that deep for me. Even dating in my 20s, there are certain things that I would do to get a ring and certain things that I wouldn't do. Dating a friend of a former is one of them. Ultimately, the dating desperation in your 20s shouldn't lead you to compromise your friendships. After all, your 20s is a good time to establish those lasting relationships with other people, whether it is romantic or not. Why not focus on trying to be a good friend during your singledom instead of doing all you can so you are married by the time you turn 30? Is it really worth it? Is it really that deep? No ma'am, not for me.
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