Dating Someone You Already Dated: Fairy tale or Epic Fail?

Don't you hate those conversations you have with your friends where you have to PRETEND that you are happy for them when you really want to tell them they are idiots? Well, I had that a few times with my friends, both men and women, who entertained the idea of dating a former lover. The conversation usually goes a lil somethin' like this:

Person: So, I heard from ____, and we had a great conversation.

Me: Oh really? Well, I'm glad to hear ya'll were able to have a decent conversation.

Person: *looks at phone* Oh look, they are texting me now.

Me: And you're going to respond?

Person: Well yeah, I'm really thinking that they've changed. We're just talking for now and seeing where it goes. 

Me: You mean the same crazy person you dated before who lied to you, yelled at petty stuff, and drove your blood pressure up so much you had to get counseling? You want to see where THAT goes? 

Person: People change Jayme. And it was nice to hear from them. We'll see where it goes. Maybe we can make an honest go at it. 

It's usually at this time when I shut up and respond with a melody of "Hmm". Honestly, I do not know what to say. At this point, they have made up their minds that they are going to consider talking to this crazy ex boyfriend or girlfriend. That's the problem with telling your friends all your business when dating someone: your friend is just as invested in the relationship as you are. So if things go wrong within a relationship, then they become more protective of you. Word to the wise: some things you keep to yourself. Anywho, I've become that friend that had to sit back and allow things to happen in my friend's lives. It really sucks because you want to scream at them, "Are you FREAKIN CRAZY?! She/He was PSYCHO, AN UNSUB!" I've seen so many of my family and friends do it. Trust me, I've had this conversation several times. 

But, I have to take a step back because we have all considered it at some point in our lives. All of us have thought to ourselves, "I wonder what ___ is up to." Before you know it, you are picking up your phone to send a text or sending a FB message. Then, several weeks pass and you two are still chatting it up. You ask yourself, "Maybe this could work again?" Then the justifications come in your mind.

"Well, they are off the narcotics and are sobered up now."

"Well, she's on her medication, so she's not as psychotic as she was when we dated."

"He only cheated on me once, and he said he hasn't stopped thinking about me."

"We did have some great times together..."

Honestly, looking back at my former relationships, there may be ONE PERSON that I would entertain dating again. But the rest of them jokers? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Hear me, ABSOLUTELY NOT. Don't get me wrong. My formers were not terrible individuals. We simply were not meant for each other. However, if I did rekindle a relationship with a former, I would have to keep in mind the following things: 

1. Remember why you two broke up in the first place. I think people get caught up in that moment of rekindling something with someone because they focus on the GOOD things they shared with that person. While it's nice to remember the good things, be cautious of those things you DID NOT like about the person. If you are going back into a relationship that ended for a reason, make sure ya'll don't break up again for the same reason. It is like the cliche', "Ya'll broke up for a reason." Keep that reason in mind and work on that. Whether it was trust, insecurity, or petty drama, focus on mending that issue before trying to rekindle something. 

2. Keep your friends/family OUT of it. Perhaps that's why ya'll broke up in the first place. It's not healthy for everyone to be involved in your relationship anyway. There are some matters of the relationship you should keep private. After all, family and friends will already have their judgments about the individual based on the previous experience you had with them. If you choose to rekindle with a former, keep in mind that they will STILL feel that way about them. So, focus on the relationship, and keep family, friends, coworkers, mentors OUT of it. This brings me to my next point. 

3. Your friends, family, coworkers, mentors WILL NOT forgive this person like you did. I can think of several people that my friends and family have dated that I did not like. In fact, I was thrilled when the relationship ended because I didn't have to deal with that person anymore. But if they decided to rekindle the former that I could not stand, I will STILL NOT forgive that person. I will always remember how they hurt my friend/family. So, you can tell me that this person rescued a person from a burning building, I will still not care. The only thing I will remember is when she/he cheated on you, busted your windows, or stood you up on your anniversary. 

4. Proceed with extreme caution. Do NOT be fooled by the same con. You remember they did the same thing when you first started talking to them? They seemed so sweet and considerate at first. Before you know it, she's following the directions of Jasmine Sullivan and busting the windows out of your car. So, make sure when dating a former that your proceed with caution. Look at their behavior. If it is too familiar and too similar to the last time ya'll dated, you may want to be VERY careful because that means nothing has changed. Some may take that as a comfort. But when it comes to a former, it's a dangerous path. Be careful. When my friend told me he was dating an ex (who was crazy...like unsub crazy), I told him the same thing. BE CAREFUL. 

5. Typically, people don't change when dealing with dating, they just get craftier. Don't get me wrong, I believe that people can transform...but it's not a huge transformation. While you may not need the narcotics anymore, you may chain smoke to ease the urges. While you may still lie, you just are more crafty and sophisticated with your lies. When people show you who they are, believe them. Whether good or bad, people show you who they really are. It's a matter of whether you recognize it or not. But go in with your eyes WIDE open. 

So overall, is it worth it? It depends. You have to do a lot of self evaluation to figure out whether it is worth your time or not. It could be a fairy-tale situation, or you may end up rehashing old wounds. When I asked on Facebook whether people would date a former lover, many people responded with a flat out, "No!" I expected that. I would have to say that I would agree with this sentiment. In your 20s, there are too many options out there! This is the time to know what you can and cannot handle, what you do and do not like, what works your nerves, what turns you on, etc. However, if you date someone already, you've already experienced what you like and do not like about the individual. Been there, done that. So what's the point? You may rekindle something for a brief period, but would it last? Is it worth your time that you could be spending with someone new? That's what the 20s are all about: learning about new people, having new experiences as well as compiling a database for future references regarding self and others. Yet I understand the other side. After all, there is always that ONE person that you could go back to. I know I have that person. Also, if you don't try it, you will not ever know for sure what it could be. I get that. 

But it boils down to this: is this situation worth your time? is it worth the risk? And you better have better answers for those questions than the justifications mentioned above. If you decide to roll on with that dude/chic that you dated four years ago that you think is "oh so wonderful", then that's your prerogative. No judgement here. However, I will tell you to consider some things before you make that decision.......and keep your options open. ;)