Being Selective: Smartest Thing A Single Woman Can Do....

Many articles have been written about women and dating. For some strange reasons, people are interested in the lives of single, black women. I don't understand it. Most of the articles I have come across deal with women being too picky, having unrealistic expectations, and needing to be "better" women for their men. (Can you smell the patriarchy?) My question is: where are the articles for the brothas out there to be better men? BUT ANYWHO, I digress. I find it interesting the assumptions people make about single women, whether they are in their 20s or 50s. The assumption is that you entertain every situation that comes your way. We simply walk around talking to every single person on the planet because we are so desperate to find someone to share our lives with. However, the reality is: everything is not worth entertaining. I know what you are thinking: how dare you be single and SELECTIVE in mate choices?  With all the plethora of single people out there, how dare you complain that there are not any compatible mates for you? That's real cute to ask that question when you have found your mate, or at least a simulation of a mate. The truth of the matter is, when you are single, you have to be VERY selective. 


Check out this scenario: You are introduced to someone who looks good on paper. They wear the right clothes, have the right job, no baby mama or kids lurking around somewhere, participate in community service projects, ambitious, the kind of person you can take home to meet the family, and the kind of person you can take to church with you on Sunday. Overall, they look pretty dern good on paper. You know this is the kind of person you SHOULD be with. But when you are on the phone with them, they start grandstanding. Did this become a job interview? They talk all about themselves, but never ask how your day is going. When you speak your opinion, you are "a trip". When the feminist banter starts to emerge from the conversation, they start talking about the women in their family, who "were quiet sources of power".  So, before you know it, you realize that you are not the woman for them. They are not bad for you, they simply are not the right fit for you. Yes, you are being selective in your mate choice. And the reality is: there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's completely natural for single women to be selective for the following reasons:


1. You are somewhat smarter than you were in your early 20s. If you are single and dealt with several relationships, you become a little wiser in your mate choices. I'm not saying we do not still make mistakes. Yet, you start to catch those red flags, realizing the individual is not the right fit for you. It's a "been there, done that" situation. It's not about being paranoid, it's about being cautious.


2. Simply because the person looks good on paper does not mean you are compatible. Sure, this person would be the perfect guy to introduce to daddy. Yet, you are bored to tears when you are with them. You have different interest. There's no chemistry. No "umph". And let me pause for the cause and say that simply because the brotha or sistah received the same education as you does not mean that they are Mr/Mrs Right. Sure, both of you have your MBAs, but that does not mean you two are compatible. 


3. No one wants to waste their time. This is not about wasting time because you are reaching your 30s and your eggs are about expire. It's about wasting your time dating someone you are not romantically connected to. Why would someone waste their time dating someone they know they have NO intention of staying with? Sure, the sex may be good for a moment. But after a while, that can get old. Yes, they are funny, but it gets old when you need them to be serious. So, why would you waste your time dealing with someone that you feel lukewarm for when you can involve yourself with an individual that you are on fire for? Think about it. *rowr* 


4. Settling is a sin. Yes, a sin. I believe that Moses mentioned it somewhere in the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not settle for mediocrity."  It's just sinful. I've met a lot of sistahs who have settled for someone simply because they think that they cannot find anything better. The sad thing about it, the people they settle for is a clear reflection of how they feel about themselves. The lower they feel about themselves, the lower the quality of man they deal with. That must be a terrible feeling, being trapped in that space not knowing you can get something better. Some women also settle for security. Because they desire financial security, they may deal with a brotha who puts them to sleep when they become intimate. They are "dry like toast...not honey, no jam, just DRY." (I'll give you 20 points if you can guess what movie that is from). That's the downside of settling. 

Now, let me pause and make one point very clear. Simply because you are selective, it does NOT mean you have ridiculous standards. No one would ever tell you not to have standards. But not dating a guy because he does not drive a certain kind of car is ridiculous. If you determine a mate based on superficial aspects (car, job type, educational attainment, income, short/tall, light skinned/dark skinned, etc.) perhaps you need some special couch time in someones psychologists office. And lets be real, he can fit your "type" and STILL be incompatible with you. There's nothing wrong with being selective, just don't be ridiculous. 


I'm not being selective because I think I'm so perfect. In fact, I know how IMPERFECT I am. Additionally, I realize how it takes a special kind of person to deal with someone like me. I'm loud, opinionated, controlling, and critical. Pretty much what you see is what you get. I may have changed in some aspects throughout my life, but I'm pretty much the same Jayme I've always been. Whoever decides to stick it out with me would have to understand that. Therefore, my selection has nothing to do with the notion that I'm "oh so wonderful". It's plain and simple: I know me. While I may change and evolve, at this very moment, I have a pretty decent grasp of who I am. More importantly, I know what kind of mate would work for me. With that in mind, I do not have to entertain every situation that comes into my direction. And you do not either. Singledom does not mean that you grab every person that sends you a nice message or smiles your way. You have the option to select who you want to invest your time with. Yes, the option. I know the magazine articles and blogs are telling you that decent single people are an endangered species. But that does not mean you have to be fearful of finding the right person for you. People are not selective because they are fearful of remaining single. And when you pick that person to spend extra time with, even if it does not work out in the end, you can have a clear conscious knowing that you selected them because you genuinely connected with them. And that person should be thankful that you choose them. ;)