1. I need to know what I'm up against. So, am I going to be a fairly NEW experience if we become intimate or am I going to be one of the 40+ people you have under your belt? This goes to a question of experience. How much experience have you had in this department? This makes a difference whether I need to bring special tools and talents or not. In other words, it gives me a frame of reference to go by. I've dated people who were carrying their V-card still and those who have been around the block a couple hundred times. Just need to know who I'm dealing with here.
2. I'm nosey. Yeah, it's really that simple. I'm nosey. Inquiring minds want to know. Sometimes I ask questions just to be nosey.
3. It lets me know what was your life like before we started dating. Were you sleeping with everything within a 10 mile radius or hiding in the bushes the moment someone winked in your direction? I realize these are extremes. Yet, asking the dreaded number question helps me understand your sexual behavior before we met. It allows me to draw a picture of the kind of dating habits you encounter. Again, it's simply a point of reference.
4. If we are together, do I need to watch my back? After all, if you've been with half the women in the county, I may need to know so nothing is sprung up on me.
I know what you are thinking, "Why does it matter?" It is not THAT important. But, like I mentioned earlier, it gives me a frame of reference to go by. And lets be honest for a moment: you want to know. Don't act like I'm the only person that is curious to how many people your significant other has been intimate with. Certainly it is not grounds for breaking up with someone. In fact, it's not that deep. But, again, it's a frame of reference. So, you may freak out at the answer, but at least you have an idea. However, let me just be honest with this whole number system: 9 times out of 10, the person is either going to lie, tell you what you want to hear, or be embarrassed by their answer. With that in mind, they will make sure they turn the tables on you to see how many people YOU have been with. After all, you opened the door. So after you processed their number, whether it is real or not, you are asked to share your number. Crap. You were expecting the conversation to end after you asked them their number. You figure they would either be getting over their embarrassment or lie. Quickly, the spotlight is on you. You wonder a few things at this point.
1. First, you are pissed that they have the audacity to ask you that question. Okay, so you did ask them first. But how dare they turn around and ask you? How rude.
2. Do those one night stands count? Should I include them in the number? After all, they were just that one time when you were drunk in college. Perhaps I should exclude them, they were just one time, right?
3. Do you include the times the sex was whack? Do those even count? Should you include them in your number if they were the epitome of the Minute Man?
4. Now, do those college "experiments" really count? I mean, honestly. Most people explore their sexuality during this time. So this time period should be excluded from the numbers. That's what you tell yourself anyway to lower your number.
I do believe that men and women approach this question differently. Women may try to exclude partners because they do not want to be labeled as a slut while men may add partners to make themselves appear more experienced. Even if the partner was their hand or in their head. This just shows you how socialized we are regarding our sexual behavior. While in North Carolina, my girlfriend and I were having dinner one night. Somehow, we got on the topic of our "numbers". We were embarrassed by our numbers, trying to keep it "low". In our minds, once you get to a certain number, you should start "slowing down". The question is, why should we be ashamed? Furthermore, why should we slow down? Our numbers are not considerably high. And if so, what's the big deal? Women are taught to be reserved when it comes to sex while men are taught to tap everything moving. It's a terrible double standard. I suppose men are expected to have fun while women sit around saving themselves for marriage. However, we all know the truth. If not, let me drop a dime on you. You remember in American Pie 2 when the girl mentioned the rule of 3? If a woman says she's been with 1 guy, then that usually means she's been with 4 guys. On the other hand, if a guy says he's been with 4 women, then that typically means 1 woman. In other words, you add with a woman and subtract with a man. Simple math.
But at the end of the day, does it really matter? This dreaded number is a conversation topic that could easily be ignored in a new relationship. After all, when you are starting to date someone, you want to feel like YOU are the only one that matters. In other words, you want to be special. No one wants to walk around wondering whether their significant other is comparing them to other lovers. You may have been with 20 different people in the past, but I still want to believe that I'm the best lover you've ever had. I know it sounds crazy because the educated sistah within me knows that there will always be someone better. However, my emotional 20 somethin' self wants to believe that I am special. But I realized, no matter how many partners a person had in the past, they did not have you. And that should be enough to make you feel awesome. There's only one you. As long as that person does not bring up these previous escapades, then you should be content in the fact that they want to focus their attention on YOU.
I'm guilty of thinking too much, which takes me out of the current moment. I've been told that I need to learn to live in the moment. And I'm starting to realize that the dreaded number question takes you out of the moment you are sharing with your significant other. Yes, I've asked this question. And I've walked into something I was not ready to hear. But we cannot assume that people were saints before they met us. People lived full lives before they even knew we existed. The same goes for you. After all, you've had experiences with other people before you started talking to this new person.
So what's the big deal? Who knows. It's not that deep. But we still ask anyway.
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