Old School versus New School: The Joys and Pains of Social Networks on Relationships

You remember the days when you would exchange notes between classes? You know, those times you actually had to put the pen on a piece of paper and write something that did not resemble chicken scratch? When I was in high school, a friend and I bought a notebook that we exchanged between classes that contained notes for one another. I recalled the anticipation while I sat in class, excited to read whatever she wrote in response to my note. You recall those "go out with me" notes? The ones we always looked forward to from that special someone that read:

"Will you go out with me?"

 Check Yes, No, or Maybe. 

You would hope and pray for that special person to write you this note. Believe it or not, that person actually put a pen on a piece of paper and drew the check boxes. That person would wait in anticipation for the person to check a box and return the note to them. That took real effort as well as courage. You had to REALLY like someone to go through all that. I never received a note like that. But, I prayed for the day that I would get that note from a crush of mine. However, I digress. Looking back at that time, you feel a sense of nostalgia. The days before text messaging, Facebook, or Twitter. A life where you had to actually leave your house to talk to someone, unless it was a phone call. It was the time were AOL started to emerge. You know, dial-up internet. Could you imagine waiting for 15 minutes to connect to the internet, all the while hearing the most annoying clicks and buzzing. People born after 1990 do not understand this concept. By the time they were in middle school and high school, cell phones and high speed internet became the norm. They don't even know about that anticipation because they were able to send text messages and Facebook messages instantly. I doubt any student nowadays carries a pen with them to classes because they rarely have to use them. Back in the note passing days, you had to have a pen. You may have not used it much for school work, but you used it to write a note or two. They were usually gel pens with different sparkling colors. Those were the days. 

Yet, the internet exploded. Before we knew it, AOL transformed into Internet Explorer, Internet Explorer became Google, Google became Facebook, Facebook became Twitter..dial-up became Ethernet  then Ethernet became wireless....and on and on. It seemed to happen overnight. Now I cannot imagine my life without Facebook, Twitter, or Google. It makes me wonder whether these major technological transformations affected our relationships with one another? I don't have to think about it too long to come to the conclusion that it did. I'm sure many of you would agree. However, in what ways did it change our interpersonal relationships? If I could make a comparison between the days of note passing and now, then I could pinpoint a few things that changed: 

1. Instead of passing a note asking, "will you go out with me," people simply click on "in a relationship with ____" on Facebook. That's how a relationship is official now. There was never much complication when we were passing notes. You knew by the time you got that note back whether you two were together or not. Nowadays, people just add "in a relationship" to their profile and that makes it official  There are also a lot of people who claim that their relationship status is "complicated."(Sidenote: if it is "complicated", I will go out on a limb and say that chances are you are NOT in a relationship...) That would not have been an option back in the day. There was less complication. Either you were together or you were not. Not much gray area existed. However, now dating is nothing but gray. Well, unless someone checked "maybe" on the note. But usually they checked "maybe" because they did not want to appear too eager ;) 

2. We have text messaging language now. When we passed notes back in the day, we wrote in King James English. Sure, we had BASIC acronyms, but  not to the extent that we have now. Now you need a text metalanguage dictionary in order to understand what people are saying. I learn some new text language everyday! I did not know what to do when someone sent me a "WYD?" I asked, "Is this a typo?" Believe it or not, I still type out full sentences when I text. What can I say? I'm a bit old school. But I do "lol" a lot. ;) 

3. We have technology etiquette now. This is essential when it comes to our relationships. For example, everyone knows its inappropriate to send a text to break up with someone. (At least I HOPE that's common knowledge...). No one sends a text or Facebook message in all CAPS because it appears as though you are yelling. People believe that it is rude to subtweet on Twitter. You cannot really "mention" someone on Twitter that you are dating because you can't let EVERYONE know who you are dating. These are just a few examples of the "common sense" rules pertaining to social media and relationships. However, the need for technology etiquette proves that common sense isn't so common.  

4. Long distance relationships are much easier. It's POSSIBLE to have a long distance relationship now and keep in touch with your significant other without much problem. In the note passing days, the only thing we had was email communication. Now you can Tango, Skype, Facebook, Tweet, Gmail Chat, etc in order to keep in contact with your significant other. Perhaps that's one great thing. This option expands your horizons. After all, your dating options are not limited to your zip code. 

5. A lot of relationships are STARTING online now. Think about it. Who meets someone at the bar anymore?! Who goes out and randomly meets the person of their dreams? It happens very rarely. Now you get on Facebook and connect with a former college classmate or sign on to Match.com to meet new people. You can date without ever leaving your living room. People claim that meeting someone online is dangerous because the person could be crazy. Yeah, the same thing could happen if you meet someone in the coffee shop. Crazy is crazy regardless of the means of communication. 

6. We are on our phones ALL the time! Ever been in a restaurant and seen couples sitting on opposite ends of the table on their cell phones? It's obvious they are a couple or on a date. Yet, they are sitting on their phones. What's the point of being on the date if you are both going to be on your phones? How can we really engage with one another if we can't have dinner without our phones sitting on the table? Are we really giving each other attention if we are on our phones? We really can be disrespectful with our phones now. I know I am guilty of that as well. However, you have to make an effort to make sure your significant other gets attention. For example, making an effort to leave the cell phone in the car is a great start. You may be amazed at the difference. However, being on our phones all the time takes attention away from our significant other. We do not engage with each other like we used to because we are so busy on our phones. 

7. People become extra suspicious and mysterious. All the sudden, we have to be suspicious of the other person more than usual. Our phones are within our zone of privacy. In fact, if someone glances at your phone while we are checking Facebook or Twitter, then you get offended. When our phone goes off while we are with someone, we try to hide it like it's some CIA code. For whatever reason, we become more mysterious with our devices. We do not want to share them with anyone. We put codes on our phones to ensure no one goes through our phones. We raise suspicion by being so mysterious with our phones. Ultimately, we never learn to trust each other. 

8. Because of social media, we have become lazy. Yes, lazy. We don't have to make too much of an effort during courting anymore. The days of walking to the person's car carrying their books is over. Now it is replaced by the Facebook Poke or a direct message on Twitter to court someone. No need to make that extra effort to court someone. Simply flirt via Facebook or Twitter without taking it a step further. 

Ironically, technology such as text messages and Facebook are intended to HELP us communicate with each other. Yet, they may have hindered our interpersonal skills and relationships. Social networks have allowed us to communicate with each other in a way that we could not before. But, has it hindered our ability to engage with one another? Have these means of communication actually caused us to distrust one another? I do not suggest living in a world without technology or social networks. That would be crazy, especially since I am so addicted to Twitter and Facebook. Yet, I do think it should not be the only means we use to communicate with one another. Sometimes it is good to incorporate the old with the new. For example, instead of always communicating with your significant other via text message, why not make an effort to call them once a day? In a former relationship I had, I did not know what they sounded like on the phone because we always sent text messages. That's not healthy. These social media networks and text messages are meant to assist in our communication. We should not rely on technology communicate with each other or build a relationship. We are human beings, who appreciate human connection and touch. Our relationships need intimacy, which expands beyond sexual relations. This intimacy starts with our communication. We can use social media to HELP with that. However, there's nothing wrong with an old school note, phone call, or a phone-less dinner. All these things simply take EFFORT. It appears as though the human component to relationships have been replaced by laptops and Smartphones. We have more intimate relationships with our phones and computers than we do with one another. Of course, I want my cell phone to call my significant other via Tango ( I love this app! It's so much better than Skype...) since we live away from each other. Yet, I also have my note cards from Target, ready to use my gel pen to write them an old school note. ;) 

"You Should've Asked": The Theory of Non-Disclosure

The past few posts I have done may have been a little too much. After all, discussion on politics and religion are BOUND to put you on the "blocked" lists on Facebook and unfollowed on Twitter. With everything going on, it tends to divide people. So, let me attempt at reclaiming a sense of unity. Let us get back to that aspect of life we all can discuss regardless of race, sexuality, political preference, or religious affiliation. Ladies and gentleman, I am referring to the world of dating and relationships. Regardless of how you label yourself or your opinions about the various issues taking place in society, we all deal with relationships on some level. So, let me get back to my roots for a moment: ranting about dating.

One of the major things I have realized in my quest for love is that we do ourselves a disservice by making assumptions. I have done it. We all have. We assume that if he is coming up to talk to you, then he is not involved with someone. Or she must be heterosexual because she wears skirts. You assume that because YOU want marriage and kids that HE wants marriage and kids also. You may think that him picking out your outfit to go out to a club is bonding. You assume that you are mutual sex partners because you two spend so much time together. However, all these assumptions will get you in trouble in one way or another. After all, what word is in ASSUMPTION? I rest my case. So be careful before you start making assumptions about your dating situation. People love to make assumptions because it gives them a safe place in which to operate. I do not think people knowingly walk around being misinformed about their partner. A lot of people (myself included) probably think the best of people. Or assume that they would inform them of any impertinent information. So we commit the ultimate crime: we simply do not ask the questions. We "wait" for the conversation to present itself. Of course, so much time may pass, you may forget to ask those important questions. Unfortunately, you may run into a conversation such as this after a year of dating:

Person 1: So, if we were ever to get married, you'd have to understand that my hair appointments are important to me.

Person 2: I do not know if I want to get married. I just don't see myself as marriage material.

Person 1 (in shock). I thought you did!

Person 2: I never told you that. And besides, you never asked.

Person 1: (confused and hurt).

I am sure person 1 told person 2 that they wanted marriage. However, they assumed that since person 2 did not respond in another way that they wanted the same thing. Epic fail. This is when you end up with the conversation above. The problem is: we NEVER ASK! Closed mouths do not get fed. So, I decided to do ya'll a favor and create a list of questions that may APPEAR to be stupid, but are actually very necessary to sift through the dating situation with someone so you may not have the conversation mentioned above. They may seem trivial to you, but in the long run, they will be helpful for you.In fact, feel free to copy and past this questionnaire to an email and send it to your potential lover. However, you cannot be upset at me for the responses you receive. I merely provide the questions.

1. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? (I mean really, do you know what you are doing in the NEAR future? If you are an ambitious person and they cannot answer THIS question, LET THEM GO. They will become dead weight...in fact, YOU need to be able to answer this question...have some ambition for your own life)
2. What kind of relationship do you have with your family? Do you get along with your family or not? (Just a general "yes" or "no"...details can be exposed later. But just get the gist. Don't press it.) 
3. How many serious relationships have you been in? (You do not have to go into too much detail here...if they give you a number, leave it alone until you decide to visit the conversation at a later date.)
4. Do you have good credit? If not, explain why. (Now, if they say they got college loans, that's one thing versus having bad credit because they bought a flat screen on a credit card they couldn't afford...)
5. Are you currently dating anyone else? If so, please explain. (Doesn't hurt to ask...so if you are the other woman/man, at least you know...)
6. Are you currently in a sexual relationship with someone else? If so, please explain. (Again, it is helpful to know before you start becoming initiate with someone...)
7. Do you consider yourself straight, gay, or bisexual (or simply ask whether they are "fam")? Why? (This helps regardless of how you identify yourself...do not assume that simply because s/he approaches you that they are INTERESTED in you in an intimate way..they may just like hanging out with you Besides, if you identify yourself in a certain way, it can help you figure out whether you are even their preference.)
8. (Just in case you get confusion on question 7, you can ask this) Have you ever been in an intimate or emotional relationship with someone of the same sex? (Hey, I live in Atlanta...you can NEVER be so sure...)
9. Do you currently live with someone else? If so, please explain. (And please let them know that livin' with Mom counts...) 
10. Do you have any children, whether biological or a relationship you built with a child from a previous relationship? Please explain. (Imperative if you KNOW you do not want to be with someone who has that kind of responsibility...and whether you are ready to play step mom/dad)
11. Have you dated a woman/man with children before? If so, do you still have a relationship with those children? Please explain. (Hey, it may be something that comes up that may interfere with your time with them...)
12. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? (Gotta have a vision for your life beyond 5 years...)
13. Do you see yourself in a serious, committed relationship? Please explain answer. (Let me pause for the cause and go into a little more detail on this question. This is good whether you want a serious relationship or simply want to have a good time with someone. That way everyone is aware of each other's intentions. I theorize that people are not upfront with what they are looking for. If you want a committed relationship, do not date someone who just wants to "hang out". If you want to simply date around, don't waste the time of someone who is looking for a commitment. Just be upfront with what you want and maybe no one will get hurt. I said maybe. )
14. Do you see yourself married in the near future or several, several years from now? Please explain. (For those who want marriage, you may want to star this question...)
15. Do you want kids of your own one day? If so, how many? (Those who want kids, may want to get to this quick...)
16. Hold up, do you even have a job or unemployed? PLEASE explain. (In this economy...you gotta ask..lol) 
17. If employed, how long do you plan to stay at said job? (This is a question of ambition....)
18. What are your career plans? (Again, question of ambition...)
19. Now, what do you do for fun? (This is a bit of a trick question...because depending on what s/he does for fun may determine whether you have anything in common or whether they can teach you some new things. If they go to the strip club every weekend while you sit in your living room watching Redbox movies or reading, then you may have to think about whether you two have anything in common. However, if they go to the gun range and you have never been before, that could be a possible date for you two. You learn a lot about someone based on what they do on their leisure time. You can tell whether they are a nerd, adventurous, or outgoing. So pay attention to what they say they do for fun.)
20.What is the highest education you have obtained? (It's good to know whether your mate has a Doctorate or a GED. This is important for some people. Do not assume they have their MBA just because you do. And don't assume that everyone WANTS a formal education.)
21. If I gave you a piss test right now, would you be able to pass it? Please explain. (You can disregard this question if you TOO participate in these activities...)

This is NOT an exhaustive list! So, please do not get angry with me because I forgot to include a question or two. However, this is a decent foundation. Other questions can be asked based on the responses. But let us get the basics ladies and gentlemen! Even if the other person lies to you, at least you can say that you asked the question. If you find out they lied to you, then you have a reason to throw a tantrum. But how terrible is it to throw a tantrum about something you never inquired about. Then you just look like an idiot. The problem I have realized with dating is the fact that people do NOT ask the questions that they should ask. On the other hand, people withhold information thinking that the other person would not "understand" their situation. However, you would be surprised how many people may be able to handle the skeletons in your closet. Believe it or not brothas, some sistah's may be alright with you having a sexual relationship with other women. Sistahs, some brothas may not care if they found out you were with a woman at some point in your lives. In fact, that may be a dream come true for them. HOWEVER, the problem is not the actual information withheld, it's the fact that you actually WITHHELD the information. I was in a situation where I was dating someone who did not disclose information to me. Later, I find out about it. I was not mad at what they withheld. Heck, I could deal with that. It was the fact that they did not inform me. They failed to disclose the information to me. People do not trust that others could handle the information. And while that is true, there should be a level of honesty taking place. Lets aim to be more transparent when it comes to dating. You would be amazed at what people will accept.

With that in mind, I would theorize (yes, theorize..lol) that the problem with dating is not necessarily that people are innately evil or manipulative. I think people simply do not ask the right questions. Either that, or they do not ask at all. People make too many assumptions about people. If you do not ask, then people may not think to solicit information.While some questions may seem remedial, you may be surprised how much less confusion you will experience if you simply asked. I do not suggest that this will solve all of your romantic issues. However, it may be a start in really being honest with one another so there will be less people out there heartbroken....

The ULTIMATE Conspiracy of Chic-fil-A...Ya'll gave in to the hype.

First of all, I want to apologize for taking so long to write a post. Summer school has been kicking my tail, making it impossible to take time to write in my blog. However, this whole situation with Chic-fil-a has brought me out of my small hiatus. At first, I was not going to say anything about it other than the Facebook status' and Tweets I made over the past few weeks regarding the issue. Yet a part of me realized that was not enough. It became more evident that I was not clear in my position when I saw the comments that people made to my Facebook status or Tweets. So, let me take this opportunity to clear up how I REALLY feel about this issue. 

When I was an undergraduate student at North Carolina A&T (AGGIE PRIDE!!), I ate at Chic-fil-a almost daily. They built a Chic-fil-A in our student center, along with a Blimpe. Since I ate there so much then, I do not really eat at Chic-fil-A much anymore. So I was not really eating there prior to the CEO making his statement. While I love their lemonade and waffle fries, I would probably opt to eat at other places. But that's just me. Anywho, it's a shame that this is the second post I have had to do about this whole issue of LGBTI rights. A part of me is hurt to have to repeat myself over again. I feel like this is going to be an issue people will be fighting for many years to come. This issues have been here for many years and will continue to be here for years to come. This has become the new civil rights movement. Obviously it is not to the degree of the Civil Rights Movement during the 1950s and 1960s, but still an issue when defining human rights. We have yet to reach that in any capacity. First of all, people despise what they do not understand. Lets be honest: people just do not UNDERSTAND issues pertaining to sexual identity and preference. It's a little too "gray" and fluid for people to grasp. So, we marginalize instead of try to understand. We are too busy trying to marginalize one another for a piece of this mythical American pie that is full of racism, sexism, homophobia, and class ism. Yet we are diligently fighting for it because we think it will provide us with a sense of power and take us out of the margin. That's the real American way. We will step on our brothers and sisters just for some sense of power.  We try to use the "master's" tools to marginalize one another. However, Audre Lorde said it perfectly when she stated, "For the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change." Marinate on that for a little bit....

But, let me make a few observations about this whole situation situation and ask you a few questions to really think about the issue: 

1. I'm mad that he even opened his mouth. We all knew how you felt dude! Your company is even closed on Sundays! And quite frankly, I do not CARE how you feel about gay rights. That does not affect the way people live their lives. You will still have employees, customers,and stock holders who are gay (whether openly or not). So, honestly, I do not care how you feel about gay rights. You serve CHICKEN. I mean really. There are plenty of other places people can go to for some chicken. Besides, while you may support this whole notion of "traditional" marriage, there are plenty of groups out there lobbying for LGBTI rights. So your stance does not stop the movement from happening. Or stop people from getting their fried chicken. You are just making a statement to put money in YOUR pockets. Get off of my TL and Newsfeed with your useless comments. If you are not creating policy or pouring money into legislation, I really do not care what your stance is. (Sidenote: I heard he does financially support lobbying groups that support "traditional marriages". He has a right to do that. However, he does not give enough to make it a big deal...)

2. What IS traditional marriage? Who decided what is considered "traditional" marriage? God? The Bible? Well, marriage in the Bible was dictated in a different manner. Let's take a look at Ruth. When she "laid at the feet" of Boaz.Take a moment to marinate on what "lay at Boaz's feet" means. Many folks in the Bible were "married" but was that a "traditional" marriage the way we think of it now? If our ancestors saw the way we do marriage now, they may not label it as "traditional". Just something to think about. All the sudden we want to "uphold the Bible"? Yeah. Okay. I need this guy to define what he means by "traditional marriage" because that can be real ambiguous and socially constructed, not based on the Bible. And if folks believed in this notion of "traditional marriage" there would be a heckofalot less foster children, Baby Mama/Daddy drama, and less folks having premarital sex. Unfortunately, that is not the case even in the world of "traditional marriages". 

3. Yes, he has a right to say what he wanted to say. The First Amendment protects him. HOWEVER, while he has a right to say what he said, I will not CELEBRATE that he said it. I am not going to run to Chic-fil-A because he "upheld his First Amendment right". Newsflash: WE ALL have that right. HE DID NOTHING SPECIAL. Now people are going in droves to Chic-fil-a to support him doing something we all have a right to do. I just don't get it. To me, him utilizing his First Amendment right is not that deep. We all have that right. Besides, there are cases that even put limitations on the First Amendment.... 

4. I wonder what the reaction would be if he made some sort of racially or sexually offensive statement. What if he disagreed with African Americans receiving a formal education yet would still serve them chicken? Would we be going out in droves to support him then? After all, he would still be upholding his First Amendment right. Would we even be supporting his "right to speech" that if he made a racist or sexist comment? You do not have to answer that, just think about it. He made this comment about traditional marriages, but what would his next comment be? Could it be about you? Could it be a statement that made you uncomfortable? Folks are saying he has a right to say what he wants because it does not hit home for them. It does not affect you because it is not talking about you. It does not make you uncomfortable, so it's no big deal. But I am nervous that he will start speaking carelessly since he has so much support now. So be careful before you start celebrating something. After all, a lot of people hide behind the First Amendment to justify their negative comments about black people, women, or poor people. Yes, they have a right to say it. But like I said earlier, lets not celebrate it. 

5. Ya'll fell for the ULTIMATE CONSPIRACY of Chic-fil-A. Oh yeah, big time. Let me start with some basic facts. Chic-fil-A is an openly Christian establishment, the CEO made a statement about supporting "traditional marriage" that has been repeated within the news for WEEKS, and all the sudden they have an "Appreciation Day" for customers? Am I correct on those facts? I just want to make sure. While I am not surprised at what he said, this is not an issue of moral superiority or a discussion of free speech. At first, that's what I thought. But after thinking about it, I realized it's all about CAPITALISM and MARKETING. Think about it.Why does he all the sudden feel the need to make a sociopolitical statement as a business owner? The first thing I thought was, "Where did this come from?" He knew exactly what to say to get media attention. LGBTI rights is a MAJOR issue right now. He said what he needed to get media attention AND PROMOTE his business. Point blank: he is trying to market his BUSINESS. He did not need the cows on the build boards to market his business. We have been doing his marketing for him. He could probably fire his whole marketing department because we have diligently been working for him to promote his business, whether positive or negative. With that in mind, I would theorize that it has nothing to do with him "upholding Biblical values" or "his right to free speech". It has to do with the brotha trying to put a little money in his pocket. So before we start supporting his "right to say what he wants to say", let us not celebrate it too much. He knows exactly what he was doing. And you guys fell for it. I am sure more people will be going to Chic-fil-A, either to protest or support, putting money in his pockets. 

Nonetheless, the conversation still continues. However, I urge you my brothers and sisters not to give into all the hype without really THINKING about what is really happening. This is not necessarily a conversation about whether you support gay rights or not. In fact, this is more of  question about humanity and how we value (or devalue) human rights. It is a question of whether you will allow rhetoric to dictate your opinions or whether you will step out of the box and think about what is presented to you. Do not accept something simply because it appears to look "right". Take a deeper look into something so that you do not become a hopeless victim in conspiracies such as this. My professors always urge us as students to look at things beyond the surface. So I am urging you to do the same. Be smart people. Do not always give in to the hype. 

Words from an Emotional Warrior...

I hate talking about this topic because it puts me in a space of anger and resentment. I find myself trying to find the appropriate, more "politically correct" terms to say before I write a post about this topic. However, it's something that we all have experienced throughout our lives. What I am talking about is heartbreak. Disappointment. That moment when a relationship ends or someone you were developing a relationship with hurts you in some capacity. I like to talk about those fun, positive aspects about relationships. Hence why talking about this is difficult for me to do. Yet, a voice told me that I needed to share my experiences with other people, even if it is not a pleasant experience. 

While being single has it's perks, it definitely has it's downside as well. I would not lie to you and tell you that all of your dating situations are going to turn out positive. Lately, I feel like people have been dating me as some sort of conquest. One minute I am chilling, minding my own business. Then, before I know it, this person who I think is wonderful enters into my life. But unfortunately, it ends before anything ever really starts. Either that, or it does not progress any further than a great friendship. I think to myself, "Why did they even bother with me?" I'm not one of those people that is desperate to be in a relationship. After all, I certainly am content with my singlehood. However, people who enter my space give me a hope for something positive to happen in my love life. It gives me a different kind of smile to put on my face and provides a different kind of energy that awakens so many things that remain dormant in my heart. But, as many things, it never lasts forever. It makes me wonder why people feel the need to bother with me. Are they bored? Get a hobby and leave my heart out of it. Let me tell you: there are assholes out there who entered into your life for their own pleasure. They want what they want from you and once they receive it, they are gone before you even have a chance to blink or gain your thoughts. Everyone that is single is not out there to find a partner to settle down with. A lot of them are single for the mere fact that they want to be. Dating becomes something to do to pass the time and meet new people. Sometimes people use dating to fill some sort of void in their lives. Whatever reason, people have made dating a dangerous game instead of a fun, respectful venture. 

A friend of mine told me a few years ago how I was an "emotional warrior" because I appear to jump from one romantic situation to the other without much problem. It was a compliment, which I received with a smile and laugh. However, little do people know the hurt and frustration that occurs between dating situations. It does take a toll on your spirit each time someone disappoints you. No matter how much it appears to others that you have it together, inside you are still healing. Yet, he does have a point. I do bounce back eventually, no matter what happens in my love life. It's like I told a friend of mine the other day: no one takes my joy away for that long. I am not saying that there are still not remnants of hurt from the previous situations. Yet, it does not hinder my life in any major capacity. I will live on without you and you will carry on with your life. It's like my favorite break up quote from my favorite show Living Single between Regine and her soon-to-be ex, Keith. 

Keith: "I don't know what to say Regine. Other than, we can still be friends."

Regine: "We can Keith. Just not with each other."

(Sidenote: I hate when people say we can still be friends. No, we cannot! I barley liked you as a mate, much less a friend. And some of the things people do to others in the course of dating is not something a friend does to another friend. So save that talk for someone else. When we stop seeing each other, I doubt I am going to be calling you about what to have for dinner or how my day went. So we can be friends, just not with each other.)

Being an emotional warrior is a difficult task, only mastered through plenty of practice. I would not recommend you become an expert at it like myself. I honestly hope you never have to deal with heartbreak or disappointment too much in your life. I pray that your dating situations are not full of disappointments. However, if it is, you can easily be an emotional warrior as well if you keep the following things in mind: 

1. The person who hurt you sucks as an individual. (You know someone has to suck as individuals in my posts...lol) Seriously, the person who can not see how wonderful you are does not deserve to be with you. Do you realize how awesome you are? They suck because they let go of the kind of person that would be an amazing asset in their pathetic lives. So, if they decide to leave, let them. Because they ultimately suck as individuals for not recognizing how fantastic you are. Yes, you are wonderful, awesome, and fantastic asset all at the same time. ;) 

2. Maintain your spiritual walk. Your relationship with a spiritual source, whatever that may be, will assist you. This is one of the major relationships you maintain while you are single because in moments when human beings disappoint you, you can rely back on that spiritual source because it will never fail you. This spiritual walk provides you with strength. I believe a person is completely whole on their own when they are actively engaged with that spiritual side of themselves. Regardless of whether man loves me, I know God loves me. And that brings me joy. So whether it's God, Jesus Christ, Buddah, Auset, or Allah, you need to focus on a spiritual walk so situations like this does not hinder your spirit. That's the center of your joy, not a human being. 

3. They were not the first person to hurt you, and they may not be the last. I know it's terrible to say. But, this was not the first time you have been disappointed. You have dealt with this before. You still have some remains of the previous relationship you were in. Even if this person was "different" from other person, they are still human. And unfortunately, human beings can hurt others. So, trust me, you can handle this situation. And I'm sure it will not be the last time you deal with disappoint. Because, like I said, dating has become a dangerous sport and human beings are imperfect. So 9 times out of 10, you'll be disappointed again. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it is simply keeping things in perspective. 

4. Sometimes that person was removed from your life for a reason. Be thankful for that. You may find out that they are cheaters or liars. Why would you want to develop a relationship with someone who is hurtful to other people? What kind of relationship can you build with someone who sucks as an individual? Be thankful you did not develop a serious, committed relationship with this person because they would have ended up hurting you worse. And if you two did develop a serious, committed relationship, at least it is over and you have a chance to heal. Thank God that they left your life when they did. Remember, it could be worse. 

5. The next person that enters into your life will be better than that person. Trust me. Even if it does not work out with the next person, at least they will be a step up from the person you previously dated. I remembered dating someone and I thought I could not find anyone better. The amazing thing about God is how she (yes, I said she, take that back to your next Bible study..lol) is able to open your eyes about previous situations once you are away from them. When I thought this dude was the best thing since sliced bread, I met someone who was definitely a step up from him. While that situation did not last either, it was a step up from what I had. So remember that each situation is a stepping stone towards your ultimate dream mate. I have faith that my next situation will be a step up from what I had. And that brings a smile to my face. 

6. Keep in mind those positive aspects the person brought into your life. Maybe they opened the door for you to discover another side to you. Perhaps they were a great friend at the time. They may have shared a special family recipe with you. Regardless of what it is, that individual brought something positive into your life. Whatever that is, keep that in mind. While it did not work out, they did contribute something to your life in some capacity. You can be thankful for what they brought to your life and move on. No matter how terrible the split was, there was something you either learned or gained from being involved with them. 

7. Allow yourself to FEEL the hurt for a little bit. I know that sounds odd. But, trust me, it is healthy for you. Someone told me a long time ago that each relationship that ends is like a death. You go through the motions as if you have experienced a death. You may yell, scream, cry, cuss, punch a pillow, threaten the person, etc. And that's alright! You should FEEL that for a moment. If you shut down, you are not dealing with those feelings in order to deal with the situation. You cannot go through this life as a zombie because some idiot did not see how awesome you were. So, go crazy for a moment. Nothing wrong with it. That way you can remember you are human and heal from that. 

At the end of the day, we are all on the quest for this metaphorical notion of "love". Some were able to grasp it earlier than others. Yet, my sistahs and brothas in our 20s need to be equipped with certain tools on this journey of finding love. After all, heartbreak and disappointment is inevitable. However, it does not have to be the end of the world each time it happens. Take it from a pro, you will continue to live your life as usual. Life will continue to present you with various people until you find the one you want to share your life with. You may be taken off your rocker for a moment, but once you take a step back and evaluate the situation, you will come out of the situation a stronger person. 

No Panty Day Rant: Seriously?

I'm sure you have caught this image somewhere in your Twitter Log, Facebook Newsfeed, or Instagram. When I saw this the other day, I did not take them seriously. In fact, I laughed at the notion that anyone would take any time to discussing or celebrating this Instagram holiday. However, I woke up this morning with my Twitter Log filled with discussions about the No Panty Day.  I thought to myself, "Seriously? Did someone really start a conversation about this." I thought it was one of those random pictures people put on social media. After all, I put up several pictures a day. When I saw the conversation from the brothas and sistahs, I started to get annoyed. Extremely annoyed. I felt my blood pressure start to increase because I know there was some dumb broad out there who was going commando because some stupid Instagram picture told them to do so. I started making a few comments on Twitter and Facebook earlier. But I felt like I had more to say. Besides, most of the day today I was helping my friend and getting some school work done before my free day. (Sidenote: If you are a graduate student, my advice is to take ONE free day where you do not do any work. We all need a break before we burn ourselves out...but I digress.) However, I knew that I was going to rant further about this day later. Let me just tell you why I was confused about today. I just have a few things to say about this day before it ends:

1. Women going commando is NOT an unusual thing. Real women do not need an Instagram to tell us to go panty-less. So, for that person who created that Instragram, they just wanted that for their own pleasure. And let me tell you, when women go commando, it does not look like that. You'd be surprised at the women in Target who are going panty-less. However, they do not boast about it. It's not because they are trying to get attention. Sometimes it's for the sole purpose of utility or needing some freedom. If she has to run to the store after that evening shower, then she puts on some leggings without panties and runs to Publix. A lot of women do not sleep with panties on (unless they are entertaining...). Many women may wear long dresses without underwear on a warm day. Sometimes women don't want that panty line to show in white pants. Whatever the situation, women TYPICALLY go commando. Sometime throughout the day the sistah has no draws on. It's not worth making a fuss over. It just is what it is.

2. Certain things should be kept between women. I'm so tired of that one sistah out there who messes it up for all of sistahood simply because they want some male attention. The whole panty conversation should remain between women. It's just one of those things that we could keep to ourselves. I know that I'm a blabber mouth, an open book. However, my commando status is usually kept within that girl circle. MAYBE whomever I'm dating at the time knows. Otherwise, it's not really any of your business. At least not for me to share on social networks.

3. It amazes me how some women react to male horny impulses. Are women REALLY that hungry for male attention? I'm making an assumption that this image was made by a man because no woman would make a celebration of this. And we wonder whether patriarchy is alive today? Of course it is! The mere fact that a man can put something on social networks to get attention from women. Sisters, we can claim that we are so "free" from patriarchy, but we often are the ones perpetrating it for attention. Think about it: it's a day to facilitate HIS fantasy, not yours. His fantasy is to have you walk around commando. You think there will ever be a "boxer/brief free" day tomorrow? Come on now. Every woman knows hot penis is not sexy. 

4. I was tempted to wear my granny panties just to rebel. Yeah, the ones you wear during that time of the month that come in the Jockey 3 pack you get from Target. But I was already dressed before I decided to revolt. I was thinking of a Canary Blue color just to make a point. My form of activism and rebellion.

5. Simply because I consider myself a feminist does not mean I believe in the burning bra myth. Yes, the burning bra symbol of feminism is a MYTH. And quite frankly, I like my underwear! The older generation of women passed down this jewel that I will always remember: every woman should always have a solid foundation because if she feels good underneath, she will carry herself with more confidence. Having great underwear on leads to increased self worth? I don't know. However, there's some validity in that. Believe it or not, that's a billion dollar industry for a reason. Do you think that women wear fun/sexy underwear for the benefit of others? Hate to break the news to you, but we wear them because we like the way they fit and what they do for our bodies. That push up bra works really well with a certain shirt. The thong works well with a dress we have in our closet. We like what it does for us. Believe it or not, under garments have nothing to do with sexual attention. Besides, I have heard plenty of people say that underwear only "hinders the process". So, it's really for us.

6. A woman's REAL liberation is doing what she want to do regardless of what she's told to do. In other words, it's like I said earlier, commando is not unusual. Women who are comfortable with their bodies do what they want to do on their own terms. That is real liberation for women. We wear underwear because we want, not for societal norms. We go commando from time to time because we feel like it, not because some Instagram told us it was cute for one day. Grown, mature women are liberated because we rise above societal norms and do things because we feel like it. I'm starting to realize how freeing it is to just be your own person, removing all those things you "should do" and incorporate those things you "want". Of course no one is running a muck. Yet, it's doing you without any regret. At the end of the day, that's real liberation, not because you decided not to wear underwear one day it was in style.

The good thing about today was the fact that people were having conversations about  personal hygiene. Some brothas and sistahs received a tutorial about the female anatomy outside of sex. As I was looking on my Twitter Log, it was flooded with Vagina talk. I loved it. I was also disappointed to learn how little my sistahs knew about their own bodies. I could understand why the brotha's don't know, they only want the Vajayjay for one reason anyway. But, my sisters asking questions disturbed me on so many levels. So, perhaps the creator of this day had this in mind when he developed the idea for this so-called celebration. Enough people were annoyed enough to discuss it, brothas made enough jokes about it, and sistahs started to correct the brothas. Before you know it, regardless of gender, we all spent our Friday discussing this "V" spot. So, while I am ranting about it now, I see the outcome wasn't as terrible as I anticipated. We all got our  adult sex education today. So instead of calling today "No Panty Day" it should be a "Adult Vajayjay Education Day".  Eh, nevermind, it's not catchy enough. Well, until next year ladies, continue to do what you do. Because we all know that we do this all the time. ;)

After reading 50 Shades of Grey, here's your official warning....

You cannot walk into a bookstore without seeing this book. In the course of a week, I was told by at least four different people that I needed to read this novel. Even my MOTHER knew about this book because her coworkers were reading it during their lunch break. My mother was curious enough to put it on her Kindle. One of my friends sent me a text because she felt "naughty" reading it while she was at work. The conversation went a little like this: 

"Have you read this book Fifty Shades of Grey?"

"Fifty Shades of WHAT?" 

"Grey...it's so hot! I love it!" 

"What does that even mean?"

"You just have to get the book It's so great!"

"If you say so. Are you reading it right now?"

"Yes!"

"Aren't you at work?"

"Yup!"

"Is that wise?" 

"Probably not, I'm so naughty!" 

"Naughty? What kind of book is this?" 

"One that will get you all hot and bothered."

"Whoa....it's that hot?! No BOOK is THAT hot."

Of course I rebelled. I always do. I said on multiple occasions, "I've heard, but what's the big deal about this book?" Well, one day, I'm walking through Target (Sidenote: I need to buy stock in Target as much money as I spend in that store) one day with one of my girlfriends and see the book sitting on the shelf by the electronics. I thought to myself, "Well hell, let me open this book and see what all the fuss is about." So while she's shopping for various things, I lean against the red shopping cart and start reading the first few pages. It was cute. I was curious enough to flip to the middle of the book....I almost forgot to breathe. Literally, I stopped in my tracks almost bumping into a lady who was walking a little too close to me. She sucked her teeth and walked past me. But I didn't care. That short little passage made me fan myself like an old church lady right there in Target. I finally caught up with my friend and exclaimed, "I may not be broke as a joke, but I'm getting this book!" 

I became hooked to this story. Good thing I started reading it before summer school started. For weeks, I carried the book around with me, reading it at every free moment I received. When I really got into it, I had to call my mother and warn her about the book. I told her it may be a little too much for a 50-somethin' year old Christian Black woman. Her response was, "Jayme, I've read trashy love novels longer than you've been alive." I had nothing more to say after that point. However, while people were glorifying this book, I wish they could have warned me. A part of me believes that if you are going to read this book, there are a few things you need to know first. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell you what happens. I figured I'd complete my community service for the day and share with my sistah's some insight BEFORE they pick up the book. 

1. This is NOT your everyday romance novel. There are parts of it that are. But, for the most part, it's not your mother's romance book with Fabio in the front cover. It has a modern day twist that you would never suspect or imagine. While people told me about it, I was not ready for what the book was about. You'd have to read it to understand what I mean by this. 

2. The author is VERY descriptive. When they say say erotic literature, it is REALLY EROTIC literature. If you do not have a vivid imagination, this author will force you to have one. Once you get through a quarter of the book, your imagination becomes REAL graphic because the author's language is so detailed. Typically, when you read a book and intimacy is involved, the author leaves a lot of room for interpretation. Not this book. You know EVERY. SINGLE. THING. There's absolutely no ambiguity. You know exactly what is happening, when it's happening, and how it's happening. So if you are not ready to read some VIVID details, you may want to leave it on the bookshelf. This brings me to my third point.

3. Yes, the book has a lot of sex in it. A lot of sex. Plenty of hot and passionate sex. I suppose the notion sex sells has some truth to it. It WILL get you hot and bothered. 

4. Try not to read the book at night while your boo is sleep beside you snoring. It will only make you angry. While they lay there innocently sleeping, you are fuming because they are not Christian Grey. The book will frustrate you because you realize your mate is NO Christian Grey. Remember: he does not exist. He is a figment of a British woman's imagination. So try not to smother your significant other with a pillow during the course of reading this novel. If you feel the urge, go into another room and read it. This brings me to my next point. 

5. Try not wear your partner out sexually because you are worked up. I'm sure they will willingly accept the gesture. They may be confused as to where this sudden energy came from, but I'm sure they won't mind. However, try warm them up first. If it's been a while since you two been intimate, they may need to stretch and shower. But, I repeat, they are NOT Christian Grey. Your partner may not have the skill of Christian Grey. They weren't that great before you bought the book and they won't be after you finish the book. 

6. If you are single, Christian Grey will become your new boo. ;) You can snuggle to him every night and think about him during the day. However, I will repeat: Christian Grey does NOT exist. And if you do not have "equipment" or a "bag of goodies" before getting this book, you may need some....just warning you. 

 

7. Characters speak in a European vernacular/speech. I do not mean white, but British. Their conversations are a bit off. They say things that typical American folk do not say. After all, we aren't that bright. But I love their witty exchanges. Sometimes you are able to understand it, and sometimes you are not. They use larger words in a normal conversation as frequently as we do not. If you are taking a standardized test anytime soon with vocabulary words, this is a great book for you. 

8. If you have read the Twilight series, 50 Shades of Grey has several character similarities. There's a Jacob, Edward, Alice, Bella, Bella's mom, and Charlie. So, if you are aware of Twilight, 50 Shades of Grey is not a stretch. You basically have the same characters. 

9. Did I need to remind you again that Christian Grey does not exist? Well if you didn't catch it, let me reiterate: Christian Grey does NOT exist.  Lets be realistic people. 

So, before you pick up the book, keep in mind the items listed above. That way you can make a choice to whether you want to wake up your inner goddess (Ironically, that's in the book). It's the kind of book you can discuss with your girlfriends, not your partner. If you are a single woman, then you have as much fun as you want with this book. It is great for single women because we have something to look forward to in the romance department. While we know that these are fictional characters and situations, the book appears to be popular because it awakens something within all of us. Whether you are single or in a relationship, the book has had an impact upon people in some way. I do not claim that it is profound compared to other books. But it's the kind of book that allows you to let your hair down a little and challenge your inhibitions. I do not think the author is going to be giving relationship advice anytime soon. But, I do appreciate her for sharing her imagination with us so we all can live a little. ;) 

And yes, I'm going to pick up the sequel as soon as possible. Oh yeah, I heard they were making it into a movie. If so, I'm there opening night. ;) 

Being Selective: Smartest Thing A Single Woman Can Do....

Many articles have been written about women and dating. For some strange reasons, people are interested in the lives of single, black women. I don't understand it. Most of the articles I have come across deal with women being too picky, having unrealistic expectations, and needing to be "better" women for their men. (Can you smell the patriarchy?) My question is: where are the articles for the brothas out there to be better men? BUT ANYWHO, I digress. I find it interesting the assumptions people make about single women, whether they are in their 20s or 50s. The assumption is that you entertain every situation that comes your way. We simply walk around talking to every single person on the planet because we are so desperate to find someone to share our lives with. However, the reality is: everything is not worth entertaining. I know what you are thinking: how dare you be single and SELECTIVE in mate choices?  With all the plethora of single people out there, how dare you complain that there are not any compatible mates for you? That's real cute to ask that question when you have found your mate, or at least a simulation of a mate. The truth of the matter is, when you are single, you have to be VERY selective. 


Check out this scenario: You are introduced to someone who looks good on paper. They wear the right clothes, have the right job, no baby mama or kids lurking around somewhere, participate in community service projects, ambitious, the kind of person you can take home to meet the family, and the kind of person you can take to church with you on Sunday. Overall, they look pretty dern good on paper. You know this is the kind of person you SHOULD be with. But when you are on the phone with them, they start grandstanding. Did this become a job interview? They talk all about themselves, but never ask how your day is going. When you speak your opinion, you are "a trip". When the feminist banter starts to emerge from the conversation, they start talking about the women in their family, who "were quiet sources of power".  So, before you know it, you realize that you are not the woman for them. They are not bad for you, they simply are not the right fit for you. Yes, you are being selective in your mate choice. And the reality is: there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's completely natural for single women to be selective for the following reasons:


1. You are somewhat smarter than you were in your early 20s. If you are single and dealt with several relationships, you become a little wiser in your mate choices. I'm not saying we do not still make mistakes. Yet, you start to catch those red flags, realizing the individual is not the right fit for you. It's a "been there, done that" situation. It's not about being paranoid, it's about being cautious.


2. Simply because the person looks good on paper does not mean you are compatible. Sure, this person would be the perfect guy to introduce to daddy. Yet, you are bored to tears when you are with them. You have different interest. There's no chemistry. No "umph". And let me pause for the cause and say that simply because the brotha or sistah received the same education as you does not mean that they are Mr/Mrs Right. Sure, both of you have your MBAs, but that does not mean you two are compatible. 


3. No one wants to waste their time. This is not about wasting time because you are reaching your 30s and your eggs are about expire. It's about wasting your time dating someone you are not romantically connected to. Why would someone waste their time dating someone they know they have NO intention of staying with? Sure, the sex may be good for a moment. But after a while, that can get old. Yes, they are funny, but it gets old when you need them to be serious. So, why would you waste your time dealing with someone that you feel lukewarm for when you can involve yourself with an individual that you are on fire for? Think about it. *rowr* 


4. Settling is a sin. Yes, a sin. I believe that Moses mentioned it somewhere in the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not settle for mediocrity."  It's just sinful. I've met a lot of sistahs who have settled for someone simply because they think that they cannot find anything better. The sad thing about it, the people they settle for is a clear reflection of how they feel about themselves. The lower they feel about themselves, the lower the quality of man they deal with. That must be a terrible feeling, being trapped in that space not knowing you can get something better. Some women also settle for security. Because they desire financial security, they may deal with a brotha who puts them to sleep when they become intimate. They are "dry like toast...not honey, no jam, just DRY." (I'll give you 20 points if you can guess what movie that is from). That's the downside of settling. 

Now, let me pause and make one point very clear. Simply because you are selective, it does NOT mean you have ridiculous standards. No one would ever tell you not to have standards. But not dating a guy because he does not drive a certain kind of car is ridiculous. If you determine a mate based on superficial aspects (car, job type, educational attainment, income, short/tall, light skinned/dark skinned, etc.) perhaps you need some special couch time in someones psychologists office. And lets be real, he can fit your "type" and STILL be incompatible with you. There's nothing wrong with being selective, just don't be ridiculous. 


I'm not being selective because I think I'm so perfect. In fact, I know how IMPERFECT I am. Additionally, I realize how it takes a special kind of person to deal with someone like me. I'm loud, opinionated, controlling, and critical. Pretty much what you see is what you get. I may have changed in some aspects throughout my life, but I'm pretty much the same Jayme I've always been. Whoever decides to stick it out with me would have to understand that. Therefore, my selection has nothing to do with the notion that I'm "oh so wonderful". It's plain and simple: I know me. While I may change and evolve, at this very moment, I have a pretty decent grasp of who I am. More importantly, I know what kind of mate would work for me. With that in mind, I do not have to entertain every situation that comes into my direction. And you do not either. Singledom does not mean that you grab every person that sends you a nice message or smiles your way. You have the option to select who you want to invest your time with. Yes, the option. I know the magazine articles and blogs are telling you that decent single people are an endangered species. But that does not mean you have to be fearful of finding the right person for you. People are not selective because they are fearful of remaining single. And when you pick that person to spend extra time with, even if it does not work out in the end, you can have a clear conscious knowing that you selected them because you genuinely connected with them. And that person should be thankful that you choose them. ;)