Is it too late to discuss the movie "Think Like A Man"?

Long time no chat huh? Well, I'm back after a small hiatus. Don't hate me too much, you knew I'd be coming back. ;)

I'm not one of those people that go see a movie the first weekend it is released. In fact, I'm probably the last person in the group to actually see a movie. While everyone is talking about the movie, I'm sitting quietly wondering if I feel like paying $20 bucks to see a movie that I may not like or wait until it comes out on Redbox. You can never loose with Redbox. Anyway, I finally went to see that movie "Think Like A Man" that everyone has been raving about. Before the movie even came out, people were telling me, "Jayme, you need to go see that movie and tell us what you think." Well, I finally went to see the movie one random Thursday night with some girlfriends of mine. I over payed for the movie ticket and nachos to see this movie. And you really want to know what I think?

It was cute. 

That's it. The movie was cute. It wasn't profound and I doubt I will buy the DVD. When I go spend $50 dollars to go see a movie in the movie theater, I do like to think that I would POSSIBLY buy the movie on DVD. However, this was not one of those movies. I'm not knocking it because it was a cute movie. It was a pretty good romantic comedy. Nothing out of the ordinary, they simply incorporated Steve Harvey's book within it. While I only saw it as "cute", there were some other observations I made about the movie. Disclaimer: If you have not seen the movie yet, then do not read these observations. 

1. I hope they did not plan to have a soundtrack out for that movie because the only song they played throughout the entire movie was John Legend's "Tonight's the Night". Don't get me wrong, it's a fantastic song. But I don't want to hear it over...and over.....and over...and over again. I'm sure they could have played more love songs. I have an Ipod shuffle list full of love songs they could have picked from other than John Legend. Come on now.

2. I appreciated witnessing the male bonding. We were able to get a glimpse into the male bonding in a funny, productive way. All of them were different men with different walks of life that are genuinely friends. It made me wonder whether brotha's actually have similar conversations. As a woman, it was good to know that men can have similar conversations as women in a group setting. I haven't seen a good male-bonding movie since The Brothers and The Wood.

3. I'm so glad they did not glorify the book! That was the best part for me. I was expecting them to infer that the book was the best thing ever created for women. However, it appeared as though they were poking fun at how women looked at the book like a dating bible. While it was messed up, the brotha's in the movie used the book against women. This is an aspect I don't think anyone really considered when the book was released. Whose to say a brotha did not pick up the book and use it as a resource tool? When the book came out, I wondered to myself, "I wonder how many brotha's out there are mad that Steve rewrote the man book for women?" And yes ladies, there's a mythical Man Book out there other than Steve Harvey's book. I think they receive the manual at birth, I'm not sure.

4. There were WAAYYYYY too many cameos! Did every black person in the entertainment community decide to play a role in this movie? My goodness. Was there some sort of group rate for the movie? Just pick a few good actors and actresses to play the roles and call it a day. They were just doing too much. Don't they know that less is more?

5.  The movie was more about the hype than the actual quality of the movie. Again, don't get me wrong. It was a cute movie. But the way people were hyping up the movie, you'd think it was the next Love Jones or Waiting to Exhale. But, it was not even remotely in that category. Like I said, it was a cute movie, but nothing legendary. Many people hyped up the movie so people went to see it. Every time you went on Facebook or turned on the television (well, before they cut off my cable..*tear*), you would hear how we HAD to go see this movie. Yes, it did very well in the box office. But simply because it did well in the box office does not make it a good movie. That simply means you marketed the movie well. Promotion was exceptional for this movie, which caused us to run to see it. Yet, at the end of the day, it was alright.

6. Honestly, I appreciated the romantic scenes. While some of the romantic scenes were a result of the characters trying to "beat the women in their own game", they actually did a great job romancing them. I saw chocolate and roses in the same scene, that did it for me. Perhaps this can help some couples get some ideas on what REAL ROMANCE is. Take some notes ladies and gentleman. Romance is possible in a relationship.

7. THE ONE THING that may make me buy the DVD was Kevin Hart's character. I thought he was hilarious in the movie. He played the role extremely well. But, I'm a Kevin Hart fan.  I read an article saying that Kevin Hart may be the next romantic comedy star? I would not go that far to say that. However, his character added some extra fun to the movie.

8. Why is it that the only white guy in the group had to tell these brotha's how to treat their women? It perpetrated this savior complex, that we had to get sound advice from a white, married man. Don't get me wrong, I love him as an actor. Also, I hear he's married to a sistah. However, throughout the movie, you mean to tell me that he was the ONLY voice of reason? I suppose I expected that from Kevin Hart's character. But he was too busy wanting to go to the strip clubs. This is the moment where my scholar cap came on. (Sidenote: never go see a movie with a scholar. We start analyzing the movie from a completely different context. So unless you want our insight, you may want to see the movie with someone else.) So, you mean to tell me that the only person who could give them some sound advice was the white guy? What kind of image is that portraying? I'm sure I'm going to be told I'm over analyzing it, but I don't think I am. Is the entertainment industry trying to infer that black people cannot engage in healthy conversations when dealing with relationships on their own? Furthermore, the only way we can "see the light" is when the white guy tells us what to do? Hmm. That did not sit right with me. Feel free to call me a militant, but that bothered the scholar within me.

9. The movie did not insight any serious conversations regarding relationships. I searched for days after the movie was released and did not see much of anything other than the box office ratings. I understand that the purpose of the movie was to entertain. However, I think that venue would have been a great opportunity for us to engage in a serious conversation about relationships OUTSIDE of Steve Harvey's book. I was anticipating more conversation that did not happen. I do not think it is asking for too much to have a movie that allows future generations to look back and say, "That movie was a great representation of black relationships." I'm waiting for that movie. We've had some of them in the past. But that was some time ago. Perhaps I anticipated this movie to be "that" movie. Unfortunately, it was not.

HOWEVER, the movie served its purpose to entertain us. Perhaps it did for a brief moment. But just like every fad, it ended as quickly as it started. It was not a terrible movie. Like I said, it had some positive aspects. But I could have waited until it came out on Redbox. ;)

Ode to North Carolina: Speak a Little Louder Next Time....

The only thing I've been thinkin' about is that song by Petey Pablo, "Raise Up". "NORTH CAROLINA COME ON AND RAISE UP"....oh we raised up alright. We raised up a bit of controversy the last few days....

So, we have been waving our rainbow flags all week. First we have voiced our opinions against the Amendment 1 followed by Obama claiming that he supported same-sex marriage. Yeah, we are all gay now. I'm actually extremely proud of people taking a stand against those who have been marginalized based on their sexual preference. My problem is this: where was all this fire before? All the sudden, people love the idea of same sex relationships and fighting against what marriage entails. What bothers me is that we rarely visit this discussion until it is throw in our face by possible legislation or an issue brought to the president. Now all the sudden I see Facebook pictures and status dedicated to the issue. Unfortunately, I have not seen any discussion like this in a long time. I'm proud we are having the conversation. However, it came a minute too late.

Earlier this week, I had to work on my final paper. So, I was not able to write a blog as quickly as I wanted. Ironically, I did an analysis of Audre Lorde. She was an amazing scholar who discussed this entire issue that we have been tackling all this week. If you don't know who she is, then you suck as an individual and need to do your research on her before you support anything dealing with rights of same-sex relationships. She tackles this issue from a very realistic, unique perspective. The thing that I wondered while we were sitting here debating same-sex marriages and defining what marriage entails is what Audre Lorde would have to say about all of this. What would people like James Baldwin add to this conversation. Again, if you do not know who he is, I suggest you look him up as well to get off the "you suck" list. But I digress. These people were advocates for gay and lesbian rights within the black community. However, they have left this earth, leaving us with the same questions that they asked during their time. I wonder whether they are rolling in their graves right now, wondering whether their works were in vain. We are still battling inclusion. We still struggle with this issue of what equal rights entails. What bothers me is that it took a passage of a bill for us to start this conversation.

This is not only a week turmoil for same-sex marriages, but single women as well. We are under a siege right now. When I saw the Amendment 1, I recognized that my life was under a microscope as well. I thought to myself that the only way I can be protected as a single woman is if I'm married. Really? So, even if a couple decides they do not want to rush into marriage, this amendment makes it so that they should get married in order to receive any legal rights or protection. (Insert the confused face here ) So, I just want to make sure I get this right. You want to create a policy that defines marriage and parenting. Fine. However,  most marriages end in divorce. So even if you define marriage between a man and a woman, it does not help with divorce rates. Marriage is a legal and economic arrangement. Sure, you love the person. But you also know that if you marry this person, then your living expenses may significantly diminish. Also, just because a man and a woman create life does not mean they will make great parents. There are plenty of unsubs out there who had a mother and father who treated them poorly. So what exactly are you trying to accomplish with this policy to define what parenting and marriage entails? What is the purpose?

As a single woman, I do not believe I should be forced to marry a MAN simply because we share a life together. That's what this policy is trying to do. It perpetrates the notion that being single or not wanting to get married is somehow damaging to society. Also, that my life does not have much worth. Really? So, in a domestic violent situation, I will not be protected because I decided not to marry the man who is beating me? Hm. We are going back to the days when women's rights were not valid. My voice is not important and my choices are not protected because the government does not know what to do with an educated, single woman. So in order to be protected, my life has to follow a particular path. I have to get married to a man, have my 2.5 children with the golden retriever in the backyard. Sounds like a great life in theory. However, what if I don't want this life? Why can't I choose to carve my own path? Why can't I be protected by my choice?

Anywho,  I want to point out some of the things I realized regarding the Amendment as well as Obama's statement: 

1. We can see the exciting lives of single women in Sex in the City and invite gay men and women in our living rooms while watching Glee. However, people cannot accept the idea that these individuals have real rights. They are simply means of entertainment. My life as a single woman is not a means of entertaining you Mrs.Suburban Housewife. You just wish you had my life. You can admit it. You say you have gay and lesbian friends, but you do not want your son or daughter to identify themselves as gay. You can be around them, but you cannot include them in your life in a substantial way.

2. Some married people do not want to share their rights with those in same-sex relationships. When discussing this with my dad, he mentioned how people do not want to share their rights with same-sex couples. There's the assumption that same-sex relationships are not blessed, not a result of true love. But is marriage always a result of love? Also, how does my life somehow threaten your life? If a lesbian couple decided to marry, I would go to the wedding. If a woman decides not to marry the man she's with, she has a right to sue him if he assaults her. But people do not want their picture perfect lifestyles to be threatened in anyway. That's the American way, I suppose.

3. People need to dismantle these myths associated with single women or same-sex relationships. There's many misconceptions about these lifestyles as something sinful or degrading. If you are gay or lesbian, then you must be sexually repressed in some way or a nympho. If you are single and/or in a committed relationship that doesn't lead to marriage, they think you are trying to be a rebel. Both of these groups are challenging the status quo. Let's not give them rights so they can fold into the "normal" way of living. But what is "normal" nowadays? Even "normal" married folks deal with various issues. But, people are quick to reject what they don't understand.

4. Last time I checked, Jesus was too busy saving souls to be concerned with same-sex relationships or single folks. I've been doing some serious Bible reading this past year, focusing on the life of Jesus Christ. And, believe it or not, he did not mention a THING about marriage or same-sex relationships. He was too busy saving souls. He was criticizing the church and the church leaders. And that whole "God made Adam and Eve" argument is ridiculous. God needed us to reproduce. There was no artificial insemination at that time. I'm just saying, perhaps it is not a sin like we think.

5. There should be a CHOICE. Everything in life is a choice. I don't care whether you understand the lifestyles or not. Every human being should have a choice of how they plan to live their lives. That's a human right. While you may not agree with it, that's your problem. But do not take away an individual's choice to life their lives the way they choose. Period. Women's rights is all about giving women the option. That's it. Unfortunately, there appears to be only ONE path you can take in life. And if you do not take it, and something happens, then that is your punishment for not following the "normal" path.

6. We are A LONG WAY from reaching equality. We are NOT in a post racial society simply because Obama is president and immigrants are able to have a piece of the American pie. It's like this mythical place that we are trying to reach and we have no idea what it looks like. We have not escaped the -isms and patriarchy in our society. Unfortunately, we are surrounded by racism, class ism, sexism, as well as homophobia and patriarchy. They are alive and well within our American blood. You want to talk about a melting pot. I'm still trying to find the dern thing. Because as far as I'm concerned, it does not exist. People are defined based on difference. That's what helps other people feel better about their crappy situation.Newsflash: We are ALL in crappy situations. But don't hate on your neighbor because of that.

7. People always go to the extreme when you open the door of accepting different lifestyles. "So they want gay people to marry, what's next? They will allow a man to marry a goat?!" First of all, why the goat? Second, why does the extreme have to be so....well extreme. Next it will be a goat (poor goat), then it will be incest and the list will go on. One door has nothing to do with the other door. If Billy Bob wants to marry his goat, we can deal with that once we take care of this whole non-married couples/same-sex business. Billy Bob will just have to wait.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love North Carolina with all my heart and soul. It's like I tell people, I'm a Carolina girl to the bone. Yet, this Amendment passing does disappoint me. I understand the politics and the economics behind it. But the humanitarian in me is frustrated that we have lost yet another battle. However, a law is not going to change the mindset of people. Moreover, it will take a long time for policies to catch up to the mindset of people. Look how long it took for Jim and Jane Crow to be repealed. Remember how long it took for Women's Rights movement to receive recognition. This will just be added to the pile of 'isms that we have to continue to fight. While we've taken some steps to combat racism and sexism, they still exist. The same thing will go for sexual preference and lifestyle choices. It may be a continued battle for the next few years. I do not foresee any major progression taking place that will protect various lifestyles. However, we need to start educating ourselves and our children. Break the cycle of ignorance within our generations so that future generations won't carry the same burdens of hatred. We need to take a more active role in dispelling myths and accepting lifestyles that do not match our own. It's a battle we will all have to participate in if we want to see change occur in the future. Lets not let this disappointment defeat us. I don't want the memory of Audre Lorde and James Baldwin to be in vain. If anything, this defeat should cause us to fight harder and speak a little louder next time. :)

Dating Someone You Already Dated: Fairy tale or Epic Fail?

Don't you hate those conversations you have with your friends where you have to PRETEND that you are happy for them when you really want to tell them they are idiots? Well, I had that a few times with my friends, both men and women, who entertained the idea of dating a former lover. The conversation usually goes a lil somethin' like this:

Person: So, I heard from ____, and we had a great conversation.

Me: Oh really? Well, I'm glad to hear ya'll were able to have a decent conversation.

Person: *looks at phone* Oh look, they are texting me now.

Me: And you're going to respond?

Person: Well yeah, I'm really thinking that they've changed. We're just talking for now and seeing where it goes. 

Me: You mean the same crazy person you dated before who lied to you, yelled at petty stuff, and drove your blood pressure up so much you had to get counseling? You want to see where THAT goes? 

Person: People change Jayme. And it was nice to hear from them. We'll see where it goes. Maybe we can make an honest go at it. 

It's usually at this time when I shut up and respond with a melody of "Hmm". Honestly, I do not know what to say. At this point, they have made up their minds that they are going to consider talking to this crazy ex boyfriend or girlfriend. That's the problem with telling your friends all your business when dating someone: your friend is just as invested in the relationship as you are. So if things go wrong within a relationship, then they become more protective of you. Word to the wise: some things you keep to yourself. Anywho, I've become that friend that had to sit back and allow things to happen in my friend's lives. It really sucks because you want to scream at them, "Are you FREAKIN CRAZY?! She/He was PSYCHO, AN UNSUB!" I've seen so many of my family and friends do it. Trust me, I've had this conversation several times. 

But, I have to take a step back because we have all considered it at some point in our lives. All of us have thought to ourselves, "I wonder what ___ is up to." Before you know it, you are picking up your phone to send a text or sending a FB message. Then, several weeks pass and you two are still chatting it up. You ask yourself, "Maybe this could work again?" Then the justifications come in your mind.

"Well, they are off the narcotics and are sobered up now."

"Well, she's on her medication, so she's not as psychotic as she was when we dated."

"He only cheated on me once, and he said he hasn't stopped thinking about me."

"We did have some great times together..."

Honestly, looking back at my former relationships, there may be ONE PERSON that I would entertain dating again. But the rest of them jokers? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Hear me, ABSOLUTELY NOT. Don't get me wrong. My formers were not terrible individuals. We simply were not meant for each other. However, if I did rekindle a relationship with a former, I would have to keep in mind the following things: 

1. Remember why you two broke up in the first place. I think people get caught up in that moment of rekindling something with someone because they focus on the GOOD things they shared with that person. While it's nice to remember the good things, be cautious of those things you DID NOT like about the person. If you are going back into a relationship that ended for a reason, make sure ya'll don't break up again for the same reason. It is like the cliche', "Ya'll broke up for a reason." Keep that reason in mind and work on that. Whether it was trust, insecurity, or petty drama, focus on mending that issue before trying to rekindle something. 

2. Keep your friends/family OUT of it. Perhaps that's why ya'll broke up in the first place. It's not healthy for everyone to be involved in your relationship anyway. There are some matters of the relationship you should keep private. After all, family and friends will already have their judgments about the individual based on the previous experience you had with them. If you choose to rekindle with a former, keep in mind that they will STILL feel that way about them. So, focus on the relationship, and keep family, friends, coworkers, mentors OUT of it. This brings me to my next point. 

3. Your friends, family, coworkers, mentors WILL NOT forgive this person like you did. I can think of several people that my friends and family have dated that I did not like. In fact, I was thrilled when the relationship ended because I didn't have to deal with that person anymore. But if they decided to rekindle the former that I could not stand, I will STILL NOT forgive that person. I will always remember how they hurt my friend/family. So, you can tell me that this person rescued a person from a burning building, I will still not care. The only thing I will remember is when she/he cheated on you, busted your windows, or stood you up on your anniversary. 

4. Proceed with extreme caution. Do NOT be fooled by the same con. You remember they did the same thing when you first started talking to them? They seemed so sweet and considerate at first. Before you know it, she's following the directions of Jasmine Sullivan and busting the windows out of your car. So, make sure when dating a former that your proceed with caution. Look at their behavior. If it is too familiar and too similar to the last time ya'll dated, you may want to be VERY careful because that means nothing has changed. Some may take that as a comfort. But when it comes to a former, it's a dangerous path. Be careful. When my friend told me he was dating an ex (who was crazy...like unsub crazy), I told him the same thing. BE CAREFUL. 

5. Typically, people don't change when dealing with dating, they just get craftier. Don't get me wrong, I believe that people can transform...but it's not a huge transformation. While you may not need the narcotics anymore, you may chain smoke to ease the urges. While you may still lie, you just are more crafty and sophisticated with your lies. When people show you who they are, believe them. Whether good or bad, people show you who they really are. It's a matter of whether you recognize it or not. But go in with your eyes WIDE open. 

So overall, is it worth it? It depends. You have to do a lot of self evaluation to figure out whether it is worth your time or not. It could be a fairy-tale situation, or you may end up rehashing old wounds. When I asked on Facebook whether people would date a former lover, many people responded with a flat out, "No!" I expected that. I would have to say that I would agree with this sentiment. In your 20s, there are too many options out there! This is the time to know what you can and cannot handle, what you do and do not like, what works your nerves, what turns you on, etc. However, if you date someone already, you've already experienced what you like and do not like about the individual. Been there, done that. So what's the point? You may rekindle something for a brief period, but would it last? Is it worth your time that you could be spending with someone new? That's what the 20s are all about: learning about new people, having new experiences as well as compiling a database for future references regarding self and others. Yet I understand the other side. After all, there is always that ONE person that you could go back to. I know I have that person. Also, if you don't try it, you will not ever know for sure what it could be. I get that. 

But it boils down to this: is this situation worth your time? is it worth the risk? And you better have better answers for those questions than the justifications mentioned above. If you decide to roll on with that dude/chic that you dated four years ago that you think is "oh so wonderful", then that's your prerogative. No judgement here. However, I will tell you to consider some things before you make that decision.......and keep your options open. ;) 

Dating a Friend's Former : Is it REALLY that deep?

Don't they look so cute in this picture? Before we celebrate, we may need to know the whole story. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy. They take random pictures of each other. But HOW did she meet the boy? Was it a friend's former? Hmmm? 

So this morning I read an article from one of my favorite feminist bloggers, The Crunk Feminist Collective. She understands a lot of the issues that educated, single sistah's deal with. Her blog today centered around loosing a friend in 10 days...over a dude. (Here's a link to the blog if you want to check it out: Crunk Feminist Collective ) While reading the blog, I thought to myself, "This isn't really true. A friend wouldn't do this to another friend." But, I slowly realized that it's very possible when it comes to dating. As single women, are we that desperate to obtain  marriage with 2.5 kids and the golden retriever that we can easily dismiss our friendships with one another? Is it like THAT?

There are a lot of associates in my life, but very few true friends. Sure, I can chill with you, but that does not mean that we are close friends. However, there are some women in my life that I consider sisters. These are the kind of women that will ALWAYS have your back, no matter what happens in your life. You are so close to these women that you even fight like sisters. But at the end of the day, you are my sister. I couldn't imagine letting a dude get in between that friendship. Over a dude? You cannot be serious. However, dating today is like an episode of Survival, where you are constantly coming up with new tactics in order to get to the next level. So, is it possible that we would compromise our friendships just to have an opportunity to be "Mrs. So-in-So"? Like my sistah said in the blog, I'm lucky enough to have friends who have different taste in men. That's why we fight like sisters, because we are so different. This extends to our taste in men too. Yet, could the dating game change that, where some women disregard the importance of female companionship? Honestly, a part of you wonders whether your life is destined to be in this endless, going nowhere cycle of dating. It made me wonder whether this level of frustration could ultimately lead to us making certain decisions about who we date. Granted, my friends and I all have different taste in men. Yet, what if she had chemistry with an ex boyfriend of mine? What if I meet one of her exes and started talking to him?  Would I make that move, knowing that I could risk loosing my sister?  Has this mundane, frustrating practice of dating caused single women to consider desperate measures in order to obtain the ring?

The other week I posed a question on Facebook about this topic. I asked whether or not a person would date a friend's former lover. I just KNEW that people were going to give me a flat out, "No!" While a few people did, I was surprised to find that a lot of people answered, "It depends on..." Now, the researcher in me has to consider the people who responded in that manner. Many of the people who said, "It depends" are intelligent, considerate, loyal people who have maintained relationships, both romantic and friendship. So, this research shed light on a few things regarding this topic:

1. The people who said, "It depends on.." understand that most situations are circumstantial. These folks are not desperate folks trying to grab a significant other in their lives. They are simply pointing out a realistic perspective on dating. They basically said, "things can happen depending on certain factors." Moreover, they recognize the fact that dating has become tricky. Things are not as black and white as they once were. We stay in the gray when it comes to dating.

2. People may not date a friend's former lover out of desperation. We assume that women  are so desperate to find someone that they will go through any lengths to get that ring. However, women who find themselves in this position are usually put in a certain circumstance. They may not necessarily be searching for it.

3. Women who ARE looking at your former ex's like they are a profile on Match.com are terrible friends to begin with. Period. If the woman intentionally investigates your former relationships as part of her dating pool, she was not your friend to begin with. And they suck as individuals. 

4. Time passed makes a  HUGE difference. When did you date them? In high school, college, middle school? If a friend runs into a former that you dated in high school, then they may not be be as pressed. However, if was it was a recent relationship that just ended a few months ago, then they may have some issues with that. Some of the folks responded in this way, I can dig that.

5. The KIND of relationship it was makes a huge difference as well. The question you have to ask yourself is, "What kind of relationship did I have with this former?" Was it a meaningful relationship or just a fling to pass the time? Within your 20s, you may only have a small amount of meaningful relationships. Your TRUE friends know that and wouldn't even consider dating them. However, we do have those people in our 20s where we just "kicked it" with. Whose to say that your friend may not have a meaningful relationship with your former part-time cuddle buddy?

6. It depends on what kind of relationship you have with that friend (or so-called friend). Now, if this chic is just someone you KNOW, then you may not care if she/he dates your former. I've been in situations where a girl I knew dated a former of mine. Did I go postal on her? Of course not. Because we were not close friends. We knew each other and hung out a few times. But we were not the best of friends. So she is now married to my former. And honestly, she can HAVE him. ;)

YET, regardless of  rationality and realities to consider, I honestly do not think I would date a former of someone I consider a friend OR associate. I've never done it and honestly don't think I ever will. How can I make such a bold statement about something I've never experienced? Well, here are a few reasons:

1.  It's not that deep for me. Let me repeat: it's not that deep.While I am single and annoyed with the whole dating scene, I don't think it's that deep for me to find solace in my friend's former. I believe there are plenty of other single people out there to date, despite the harsh statistics the media tries to throw out there about the lack of black men. (Side note: I personally think that's an economic, political conspiracy to cause single, black women to make certain decisions because they are freaking out that they will never find a good black man....but that's a blog for another day...)

2. Drama and conflict are bound to surface. Sure, you two can be mature adults about it. But, there will always be some level of drama attached to dating a friend's former. They would want to talk about it to you, and you won't want to hear it. You'll start questioning your relationship with that former, wondering what they see in your friend that they didn't see in you. You may even question your friendship with that girl that is dating your former. You two may even start sharing stories and/or the friend may ask for advice on how to handle certain things with your former. It just becomes messy. Whether it is an internal or external conflict, it will cause you some sleepless nights.

3. Friendships mean too much to me. Like I stated earlier, there are a lot of people I consider associates, but very few I consider real friends. When I consider you a real friend, you are like a brother or sister to me. I don't take friendships lightly. So, I would respect you too much to even cross that boundary. At the end of the day, this person may not stay in my life. However, I would like to think that my true friends will always have my back no matter what. With that being said, I wouldn't want to risk loosing a TRUE friend over some relationship that may not even work. Again, it's not that deep for me.

4. If it didn't work with a friend and/or associate, then what makes me think it will work with me? I am not here to assume that all your friends are the same. All my friends are different. However, I argue that ya'll may share similar values and morals. You know, those important things that you have in common. My true friends and I have similar perspectives on dating and men. So, 9 times out of 10, if it didn't work with my friend or associate, then I doubt it's going to work for me. And honestly, I'm not desperate enough to find out. I repeat, it's not that deep for me.

5. Be honest,  dating a friend's former doesn't simply "happen". I do not believe there is a switch that goes off when you meet a friend's former. You actively engaged in the activity of pursuit, whether it is texting, FB messaging, or meeting them for drinks. There's a chase of some sort. You start spending more time with that person. In other words, you know exactly what you are doing. It didn't just happen. So why open the door?

At the end of the day, I'd want people to know me as a good friend. Not perfect, but pretty good. My FB question and experiences help me  understand the desperation as well as the possibility of dating a friend's former. In your 20s, you start recognizing the lengths that people would go through to be a +1, even if that means possibly ruining a friendship. However, there are some things that I wouldn't engage in because it is not that deep for me. Even dating in my 20s, there are certain things that I would do to get a ring and certain things that I wouldn't do. Dating a friend of a former is one of them. Ultimately, the dating desperation in your 20s shouldn't lead you to compromise your friendships. After all, your 20s is a good time to establish those lasting relationships with other people, whether it is romantic or not. Why not focus on trying to be a good friend during your singledom instead of doing all you can so you are married by the time you turn 30? Is it really worth it? Is it really that deep? No ma'am, not for me.

"Oh No, They Didn't": The Aggravation of Cheating

We have all experienced it. Whether you were aware of  the situation or not, sistahs in their 20s have experienced some form of cheating within this time period. If we did a poll of the number of people who have been the victims (or the culprits) of cheating, then I theorize we would have a lot of sistahs sharing their cheating stories. This is a subject I have purposely ignored for a while because I recently was a victim of cheating. I suppose I did not want to talk about it until I was able to engage in the conversation without being pissed off. I couldn't even write a FB question about it because I did not want to admit to myself that it happened. Since I'm pretty much over it, I figured it is time for me to share this experience with other people.

I remembered the first time I was the "other woman". It was sometime in middle school. Yes, middle school. I met a guy at the skating rink. Of course that's not a shock. That's the only social activity you were allowed to do in middle school, but I digress. He pursued me that night and soon after we were frequently talking on the phone. That following weekend, I'm getting my hair braided. Come to find out, the sistah doing my hair was his current girlfriend. I was glad that she didn't mess up my hair. Needless to say, I broke it off as soon as I found out. I'm not sure whether she broke up with him or not. I know I removed myself from the situation when I realized I was the other woman. But this happened before the age of 20. You'd think that people would have enough sense not to attempt cheating after college age. After all, even Jesus said that everything that is the truth comes to the light. So why do it? Settle your tail down, you are too old for all that.

Some of my friends know about the situation I found myself in a few months ago with a former who reentered my life. He was one of those people that tended to jump in and out of my life for as long as I've known him. He was the first guy I met when I moved to Atlanta. He was my favorite Atlien, born and raised in Atlanta. I'm sure I fell in love with him harder than I should have. But there's always that person in your 20s that you can never really get out of your system. There's some hold they have over you. And you find yourself consumed by them most of your 20s, until you get to the realization that they are wasting your time. In your 20s, you may find yourself in those situations. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, and they come in and out of each other's lives throughout their 20s. They may date other people, but they always seem to keep in touch with each other, keeping each other in arms length. In other words, he's your main guy. However, you two have not formed a SERIOUS relationship. It's really is just a good friendship with benefits. We all had that person in our 20s. Some of us still have this person in their lives.

Just recently, we started to chat through text messaging. It was the innocent, "How are you?", "Good Morning" text messages. You know, the "let me see what he/she is up to" messages. Before I knew it, we were both in NC for a week. Long story short, we ended up seeing one another. Things got a little heated physically between us when we saw each other. Come to find out, I look on Facebook and see that he's in a relationship with someone. My heart is racing, my mind is asking a million questions at one time. I just knew this person had more respect for me. After all, this was my steady-non-relationship boo that I've been involved with throughout most of my 20s. I convinced myself that it was some clerical error. Come to find out, it wasn't. Yet again, I became the "other woman" in my 20s. I was so aggravated by the situation, I told him to loose my number. The moment I was about to click on "delete contact" on my phone, I realized that I could not let go of the number or the text messages. One question creeped into my mind, "What if I hear from the girlfriend?" Then another question came in my head, "What was it about her that made him decide to settle down with her and not me?"

Being a single, educated sistah in my 20s, I realize the following things about this lapse of judgement we call cheating based on this experience: 

1. Cheating leads to aggravation, confusion, and revelation. You are aggravated that the person put you in that situation involuntarily, confused by why they actually conducted in that behavior, then relieved when you find out how big of a dochebag they really are.

2. You dumb@$$! The people involved ALWAYS find out. I don't know whether he told his girlfriend about me or not. At this point, I really don't care because that it is on his head, not mine. However, I found out rather quickly and I'm sure the poor girlfriend will somehow find out sooner or later. This leads me to my following point.

3. When you cheat, you loose  power and control over your life. The moment you are dishonest, you always have to watch your back. Who wants to go through all that? Every time you go into a certain area, you always have to make sure that person isn't around. When your significant other is around, you have to be careful not to leave your phone or computer open because you will always be terrified that the person will find something about your infidelity.

4. Cheating is a manifestation of dishonesty. If you were honest with yourself and the other person prior to the incident, the cheating may have never occurred. That's our overall problem in dating that makes cheating so aggravating. Dishonesty is a contagious disease that infects everyone in it's path. 

5. The people who cheat (or knowingly involved in cheating) suck as individuals in the WORST kind of way. Yup, that's about it for that point.

6. Drama always follows after cheating...it may not happen RIGHT afterwords but it's coming...and it's not going to be pretty. If you want your drama fix, then DVR some Desperate Housewives of WHATEVER and leave regular people alone.

Being 20-something, you will ultimately deal with cheating on some level. And it is one of the most aggravating experiences that we will have to deal with. You'd think that people have matured past this juvenile, slow-bus behavior. Unfortunately, people still do it beyond their 20s. Cheating does not discriminate based on age. However, I argue by the time you are in your 20s, you should be able to handle your dating situations and relationships with a little more class. Of course, we will continue to stumble and make mistakes. Yet, cheating shouldn't be a continuous problem in our 20s. That's high school drama, grow up. The only thing you can do is be honest with yourself and the other individual. During our 20s, we should learn to be more mature in handling our business, whether in dating, relationships, finances, or career. So there's really no excuse for the nonsense. Take control over yourself by being honest with yourself. Then perhaps you can not harm the people around you. You may not be able to control those around you, but you can control your behavior. While people have been cheating since the dawn of time, it's a huge aggravation within relationships and dating. I say all that to say that  even  in your rambunctious 20s cheating is not cute on any level. Grow up.

Its only the beginning...

So I'm sure all of you are wondering what it means to be a single 20-something year old, educated sistah living in the 21st century. I'm sure you suspect that I am typing this introduction post in some fun after hour spot with friends swarming me. However, I'm already in my pj's in bed while eating leftover cake and strawberries while typing on a phone. Yes, on my phone. Isnt technology amazing? Anyway, that's really the life of the 20-somethin educated woman. You'd be surprised how boring it really is. People outside of their 20's turn their noses up at women my age. There's really no reason to. Our lives are filled with so much confusion, temporary joys, frustrations, aggervations, etc. Either people hate us or envy us. Think about it. Ladies and gentlemen over 30, do you REALLY want to be in your 20s again? Of course not! You want the advantages of being older while having the "freedom" and supposed youthful nature of a 20 year old. You can't possibly envy a woman who is swarming in student loan debt and typing on her phone because her internet/cable is gone. Yep, this is the life of a REAL 20-somethin graduate student. Its not glamour, but its real and humbling.

While I rant and complain about people's misperception of us, I can honestly say that I am loving each year of my 20s. Its a time of growth and transition. You are constantly transforming. You are open to learning about yourself in the world. You are alright with NOT knowing everything. Its just a great time to be alive. Many of us in our 20s are not where we want to be in our career or love life. Yet, these two things are open and evolving as we learn about ourselves. With that being said, a part of me somewhat understands why people have this love/hate relationship with us. We are just awesome. And we are experiencing a unique moment in our lives. This is the time to make several mistakes without getting the side eye. (Of course, some things stopped being cute at 25...but I digress.). In our 20s we develop relationships, start careers, make lifestyle choices. In a nutshell, we are at the prime of our learning.

So, with ALL that in mind, the purpose of this blog is to share those experiences of a 20-something, educated sistah. I loved my other blog. But I created it at a time where I didn't really know what I wanted to talk about. I had to discover my gift. That's another great thing about being 20. You can uncover sides of you that you thought you weren't capable of. Well, I discovered my gift: ranting about being single, educated in my 20s.

One of the main purposes of this blog is to discuss dating and relationships. With technology as it is, whether it is through Facebook, Twitter, Google +, PinInterest, it has helped AND hindered our relationships. How the heck do you navigate dating WITH technology? That's the plight of the 20-something, single, educated sistah. You may not exchange numbers until you have spoken on FB chat at least a month. Then its a text message saying, "Whats up?" And we wonder why our romance and interpersonal relationships suck. No one sends out wedding announcements anymore. Just put a photo of your engagement ring on FB.........all your friends will see it (and "Like" it) within 24 hours. Quick, easy, and simple.

So this is the place where I say those things you WANT to say. I will rant and rave about how aggervating it is to hear someone Tweeting about their hubby or complaining that they don't have a man yet. This is where I will share my past experiences within my 20s as well as current battles and questions. Im not ashamed to share my experiences, both shaped my understanding of who I am up to this point. As single women (and some married...not all of y'all, but some married sistahs) in our 20s, we shouldn't be ashamed to share and learn from each other. We all tryin to figure all this stuff out. In the meantime, we can rant, vent, complain, explain, and explore. And that's what this place is for. ;o)

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