"You Should've Asked": The Theory of Non-Disclosure

The past few posts I have done may have been a little too much. After all, discussion on politics and religion are BOUND to put you on the "blocked" lists on Facebook and unfollowed on Twitter. With everything going on, it tends to divide people. So, let me attempt at reclaiming a sense of unity. Let us get back to that aspect of life we all can discuss regardless of race, sexuality, political preference, or religious affiliation. Ladies and gentleman, I am referring to the world of dating and relationships. Regardless of how you label yourself or your opinions about the various issues taking place in society, we all deal with relationships on some level. So, let me get back to my roots for a moment: ranting about dating.

One of the major things I have realized in my quest for love is that we do ourselves a disservice by making assumptions. I have done it. We all have. We assume that if he is coming up to talk to you, then he is not involved with someone. Or she must be heterosexual because she wears skirts. You assume that because YOU want marriage and kids that HE wants marriage and kids also. You may think that him picking out your outfit to go out to a club is bonding. You assume that you are mutual sex partners because you two spend so much time together. However, all these assumptions will get you in trouble in one way or another. After all, what word is in ASSUMPTION? I rest my case. So be careful before you start making assumptions about your dating situation. People love to make assumptions because it gives them a safe place in which to operate. I do not think people knowingly walk around being misinformed about their partner. A lot of people (myself included) probably think the best of people. Or assume that they would inform them of any impertinent information. So we commit the ultimate crime: we simply do not ask the questions. We "wait" for the conversation to present itself. Of course, so much time may pass, you may forget to ask those important questions. Unfortunately, you may run into a conversation such as this after a year of dating:

Person 1: So, if we were ever to get married, you'd have to understand that my hair appointments are important to me.

Person 2: I do not know if I want to get married. I just don't see myself as marriage material.

Person 1 (in shock). I thought you did!

Person 2: I never told you that. And besides, you never asked.

Person 1: (confused and hurt).

I am sure person 1 told person 2 that they wanted marriage. However, they assumed that since person 2 did not respond in another way that they wanted the same thing. Epic fail. This is when you end up with the conversation above. The problem is: we NEVER ASK! Closed mouths do not get fed. So, I decided to do ya'll a favor and create a list of questions that may APPEAR to be stupid, but are actually very necessary to sift through the dating situation with someone so you may not have the conversation mentioned above. They may seem trivial to you, but in the long run, they will be helpful for you.In fact, feel free to copy and past this questionnaire to an email and send it to your potential lover. However, you cannot be upset at me for the responses you receive. I merely provide the questions.

1. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? (I mean really, do you know what you are doing in the NEAR future? If you are an ambitious person and they cannot answer THIS question, LET THEM GO. They will become dead weight...in fact, YOU need to be able to answer this question...have some ambition for your own life)
2. What kind of relationship do you have with your family? Do you get along with your family or not? (Just a general "yes" or "no"...details can be exposed later. But just get the gist. Don't press it.) 
3. How many serious relationships have you been in? (You do not have to go into too much detail here...if they give you a number, leave it alone until you decide to visit the conversation at a later date.)
4. Do you have good credit? If not, explain why. (Now, if they say they got college loans, that's one thing versus having bad credit because they bought a flat screen on a credit card they couldn't afford...)
5. Are you currently dating anyone else? If so, please explain. (Doesn't hurt to ask...so if you are the other woman/man, at least you know...)
6. Are you currently in a sexual relationship with someone else? If so, please explain. (Again, it is helpful to know before you start becoming initiate with someone...)
7. Do you consider yourself straight, gay, or bisexual (or simply ask whether they are "fam")? Why? (This helps regardless of how you identify yourself...do not assume that simply because s/he approaches you that they are INTERESTED in you in an intimate way..they may just like hanging out with you Besides, if you identify yourself in a certain way, it can help you figure out whether you are even their preference.)
8. (Just in case you get confusion on question 7, you can ask this) Have you ever been in an intimate or emotional relationship with someone of the same sex? (Hey, I live in Atlanta...you can NEVER be so sure...)
9. Do you currently live with someone else? If so, please explain. (And please let them know that livin' with Mom counts...) 
10. Do you have any children, whether biological or a relationship you built with a child from a previous relationship? Please explain. (Imperative if you KNOW you do not want to be with someone who has that kind of responsibility...and whether you are ready to play step mom/dad)
11. Have you dated a woman/man with children before? If so, do you still have a relationship with those children? Please explain. (Hey, it may be something that comes up that may interfere with your time with them...)
12. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? (Gotta have a vision for your life beyond 5 years...)
13. Do you see yourself in a serious, committed relationship? Please explain answer. (Let me pause for the cause and go into a little more detail on this question. This is good whether you want a serious relationship or simply want to have a good time with someone. That way everyone is aware of each other's intentions. I theorize that people are not upfront with what they are looking for. If you want a committed relationship, do not date someone who just wants to "hang out". If you want to simply date around, don't waste the time of someone who is looking for a commitment. Just be upfront with what you want and maybe no one will get hurt. I said maybe. )
14. Do you see yourself married in the near future or several, several years from now? Please explain. (For those who want marriage, you may want to star this question...)
15. Do you want kids of your own one day? If so, how many? (Those who want kids, may want to get to this quick...)
16. Hold up, do you even have a job or unemployed? PLEASE explain. (In this economy...you gotta ask..lol) 
17. If employed, how long do you plan to stay at said job? (This is a question of ambition....)
18. What are your career plans? (Again, question of ambition...)
19. Now, what do you do for fun? (This is a bit of a trick question...because depending on what s/he does for fun may determine whether you have anything in common or whether they can teach you some new things. If they go to the strip club every weekend while you sit in your living room watching Redbox movies or reading, then you may have to think about whether you two have anything in common. However, if they go to the gun range and you have never been before, that could be a possible date for you two. You learn a lot about someone based on what they do on their leisure time. You can tell whether they are a nerd, adventurous, or outgoing. So pay attention to what they say they do for fun.)
20.What is the highest education you have obtained? (It's good to know whether your mate has a Doctorate or a GED. This is important for some people. Do not assume they have their MBA just because you do. And don't assume that everyone WANTS a formal education.)
21. If I gave you a piss test right now, would you be able to pass it? Please explain. (You can disregard this question if you TOO participate in these activities...)

This is NOT an exhaustive list! So, please do not get angry with me because I forgot to include a question or two. However, this is a decent foundation. Other questions can be asked based on the responses. But let us get the basics ladies and gentlemen! Even if the other person lies to you, at least you can say that you asked the question. If you find out they lied to you, then you have a reason to throw a tantrum. But how terrible is it to throw a tantrum about something you never inquired about. Then you just look like an idiot. The problem I have realized with dating is the fact that people do NOT ask the questions that they should ask. On the other hand, people withhold information thinking that the other person would not "understand" their situation. However, you would be surprised how many people may be able to handle the skeletons in your closet. Believe it or not brothas, some sistah's may be alright with you having a sexual relationship with other women. Sistahs, some brothas may not care if they found out you were with a woman at some point in your lives. In fact, that may be a dream come true for them. HOWEVER, the problem is not the actual information withheld, it's the fact that you actually WITHHELD the information. I was in a situation where I was dating someone who did not disclose information to me. Later, I find out about it. I was not mad at what they withheld. Heck, I could deal with that. It was the fact that they did not inform me. They failed to disclose the information to me. People do not trust that others could handle the information. And while that is true, there should be a level of honesty taking place. Lets aim to be more transparent when it comes to dating. You would be amazed at what people will accept.

With that in mind, I would theorize (yes, theorize..lol) that the problem with dating is not necessarily that people are innately evil or manipulative. I think people simply do not ask the right questions. Either that, or they do not ask at all. People make too many assumptions about people. If you do not ask, then people may not think to solicit information.While some questions may seem remedial, you may be surprised how much less confusion you will experience if you simply asked. I do not suggest that this will solve all of your romantic issues. However, it may be a start in really being honest with one another so there will be less people out there heartbroken....

The ULTIMATE Conspiracy of Chic-fil-A...Ya'll gave in to the hype.

First of all, I want to apologize for taking so long to write a post. Summer school has been kicking my tail, making it impossible to take time to write in my blog. However, this whole situation with Chic-fil-a has brought me out of my small hiatus. At first, I was not going to say anything about it other than the Facebook status' and Tweets I made over the past few weeks regarding the issue. Yet a part of me realized that was not enough. It became more evident that I was not clear in my position when I saw the comments that people made to my Facebook status or Tweets. So, let me take this opportunity to clear up how I REALLY feel about this issue. 

When I was an undergraduate student at North Carolina A&T (AGGIE PRIDE!!), I ate at Chic-fil-a almost daily. They built a Chic-fil-A in our student center, along with a Blimpe. Since I ate there so much then, I do not really eat at Chic-fil-A much anymore. So I was not really eating there prior to the CEO making his statement. While I love their lemonade and waffle fries, I would probably opt to eat at other places. But that's just me. Anywho, it's a shame that this is the second post I have had to do about this whole issue of LGBTI rights. A part of me is hurt to have to repeat myself over again. I feel like this is going to be an issue people will be fighting for many years to come. This issues have been here for many years and will continue to be here for years to come. This has become the new civil rights movement. Obviously it is not to the degree of the Civil Rights Movement during the 1950s and 1960s, but still an issue when defining human rights. We have yet to reach that in any capacity. First of all, people despise what they do not understand. Lets be honest: people just do not UNDERSTAND issues pertaining to sexual identity and preference. It's a little too "gray" and fluid for people to grasp. So, we marginalize instead of try to understand. We are too busy trying to marginalize one another for a piece of this mythical American pie that is full of racism, sexism, homophobia, and class ism. Yet we are diligently fighting for it because we think it will provide us with a sense of power and take us out of the margin. That's the real American way. We will step on our brothers and sisters just for some sense of power.  We try to use the "master's" tools to marginalize one another. However, Audre Lorde said it perfectly when she stated, "For the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change." Marinate on that for a little bit....

But, let me make a few observations about this whole situation situation and ask you a few questions to really think about the issue: 

1. I'm mad that he even opened his mouth. We all knew how you felt dude! Your company is even closed on Sundays! And quite frankly, I do not CARE how you feel about gay rights. That does not affect the way people live their lives. You will still have employees, customers,and stock holders who are gay (whether openly or not). So, honestly, I do not care how you feel about gay rights. You serve CHICKEN. I mean really. There are plenty of other places people can go to for some chicken. Besides, while you may support this whole notion of "traditional" marriage, there are plenty of groups out there lobbying for LGBTI rights. So your stance does not stop the movement from happening. Or stop people from getting their fried chicken. You are just making a statement to put money in YOUR pockets. Get off of my TL and Newsfeed with your useless comments. If you are not creating policy or pouring money into legislation, I really do not care what your stance is. (Sidenote: I heard he does financially support lobbying groups that support "traditional marriages". He has a right to do that. However, he does not give enough to make it a big deal...)

2. What IS traditional marriage? Who decided what is considered "traditional" marriage? God? The Bible? Well, marriage in the Bible was dictated in a different manner. Let's take a look at Ruth. When she "laid at the feet" of Boaz.Take a moment to marinate on what "lay at Boaz's feet" means. Many folks in the Bible were "married" but was that a "traditional" marriage the way we think of it now? If our ancestors saw the way we do marriage now, they may not label it as "traditional". Just something to think about. All the sudden we want to "uphold the Bible"? Yeah. Okay. I need this guy to define what he means by "traditional marriage" because that can be real ambiguous and socially constructed, not based on the Bible. And if folks believed in this notion of "traditional marriage" there would be a heckofalot less foster children, Baby Mama/Daddy drama, and less folks having premarital sex. Unfortunately, that is not the case even in the world of "traditional marriages". 

3. Yes, he has a right to say what he wanted to say. The First Amendment protects him. HOWEVER, while he has a right to say what he said, I will not CELEBRATE that he said it. I am not going to run to Chic-fil-A because he "upheld his First Amendment right". Newsflash: WE ALL have that right. HE DID NOTHING SPECIAL. Now people are going in droves to Chic-fil-a to support him doing something we all have a right to do. I just don't get it. To me, him utilizing his First Amendment right is not that deep. We all have that right. Besides, there are cases that even put limitations on the First Amendment.... 

4. I wonder what the reaction would be if he made some sort of racially or sexually offensive statement. What if he disagreed with African Americans receiving a formal education yet would still serve them chicken? Would we be going out in droves to support him then? After all, he would still be upholding his First Amendment right. Would we even be supporting his "right to speech" that if he made a racist or sexist comment? You do not have to answer that, just think about it. He made this comment about traditional marriages, but what would his next comment be? Could it be about you? Could it be a statement that made you uncomfortable? Folks are saying he has a right to say what he wants because it does not hit home for them. It does not affect you because it is not talking about you. It does not make you uncomfortable, so it's no big deal. But I am nervous that he will start speaking carelessly since he has so much support now. So be careful before you start celebrating something. After all, a lot of people hide behind the First Amendment to justify their negative comments about black people, women, or poor people. Yes, they have a right to say it. But like I said earlier, lets not celebrate it. 

5. Ya'll fell for the ULTIMATE CONSPIRACY of Chic-fil-A. Oh yeah, big time. Let me start with some basic facts. Chic-fil-A is an openly Christian establishment, the CEO made a statement about supporting "traditional marriage" that has been repeated within the news for WEEKS, and all the sudden they have an "Appreciation Day" for customers? Am I correct on those facts? I just want to make sure. While I am not surprised at what he said, this is not an issue of moral superiority or a discussion of free speech. At first, that's what I thought. But after thinking about it, I realized it's all about CAPITALISM and MARKETING. Think about it.Why does he all the sudden feel the need to make a sociopolitical statement as a business owner? The first thing I thought was, "Where did this come from?" He knew exactly what to say to get media attention. LGBTI rights is a MAJOR issue right now. He said what he needed to get media attention AND PROMOTE his business. Point blank: he is trying to market his BUSINESS. He did not need the cows on the build boards to market his business. We have been doing his marketing for him. He could probably fire his whole marketing department because we have diligently been working for him to promote his business, whether positive or negative. With that in mind, I would theorize that it has nothing to do with him "upholding Biblical values" or "his right to free speech". It has to do with the brotha trying to put a little money in his pocket. So before we start supporting his "right to say what he wants to say", let us not celebrate it too much. He knows exactly what he was doing. And you guys fell for it. I am sure more people will be going to Chic-fil-A, either to protest or support, putting money in his pockets. 

Nonetheless, the conversation still continues. However, I urge you my brothers and sisters not to give into all the hype without really THINKING about what is really happening. This is not necessarily a conversation about whether you support gay rights or not. In fact, this is more of  question about humanity and how we value (or devalue) human rights. It is a question of whether you will allow rhetoric to dictate your opinions or whether you will step out of the box and think about what is presented to you. Do not accept something simply because it appears to look "right". Take a deeper look into something so that you do not become a hopeless victim in conspiracies such as this. My professors always urge us as students to look at things beyond the surface. So I am urging you to do the same. Be smart people. Do not always give in to the hype. 

Words from an Emotional Warrior...

I hate talking about this topic because it puts me in a space of anger and resentment. I find myself trying to find the appropriate, more "politically correct" terms to say before I write a post about this topic. However, it's something that we all have experienced throughout our lives. What I am talking about is heartbreak. Disappointment. That moment when a relationship ends or someone you were developing a relationship with hurts you in some capacity. I like to talk about those fun, positive aspects about relationships. Hence why talking about this is difficult for me to do. Yet, a voice told me that I needed to share my experiences with other people, even if it is not a pleasant experience. 

While being single has it's perks, it definitely has it's downside as well. I would not lie to you and tell you that all of your dating situations are going to turn out positive. Lately, I feel like people have been dating me as some sort of conquest. One minute I am chilling, minding my own business. Then, before I know it, this person who I think is wonderful enters into my life. But unfortunately, it ends before anything ever really starts. Either that, or it does not progress any further than a great friendship. I think to myself, "Why did they even bother with me?" I'm not one of those people that is desperate to be in a relationship. After all, I certainly am content with my singlehood. However, people who enter my space give me a hope for something positive to happen in my love life. It gives me a different kind of smile to put on my face and provides a different kind of energy that awakens so many things that remain dormant in my heart. But, as many things, it never lasts forever. It makes me wonder why people feel the need to bother with me. Are they bored? Get a hobby and leave my heart out of it. Let me tell you: there are assholes out there who entered into your life for their own pleasure. They want what they want from you and once they receive it, they are gone before you even have a chance to blink or gain your thoughts. Everyone that is single is not out there to find a partner to settle down with. A lot of them are single for the mere fact that they want to be. Dating becomes something to do to pass the time and meet new people. Sometimes people use dating to fill some sort of void in their lives. Whatever reason, people have made dating a dangerous game instead of a fun, respectful venture. 

A friend of mine told me a few years ago how I was an "emotional warrior" because I appear to jump from one romantic situation to the other without much problem. It was a compliment, which I received with a smile and laugh. However, little do people know the hurt and frustration that occurs between dating situations. It does take a toll on your spirit each time someone disappoints you. No matter how much it appears to others that you have it together, inside you are still healing. Yet, he does have a point. I do bounce back eventually, no matter what happens in my love life. It's like I told a friend of mine the other day: no one takes my joy away for that long. I am not saying that there are still not remnants of hurt from the previous situations. Yet, it does not hinder my life in any major capacity. I will live on without you and you will carry on with your life. It's like my favorite break up quote from my favorite show Living Single between Regine and her soon-to-be ex, Keith. 

Keith: "I don't know what to say Regine. Other than, we can still be friends."

Regine: "We can Keith. Just not with each other."

(Sidenote: I hate when people say we can still be friends. No, we cannot! I barley liked you as a mate, much less a friend. And some of the things people do to others in the course of dating is not something a friend does to another friend. So save that talk for someone else. When we stop seeing each other, I doubt I am going to be calling you about what to have for dinner or how my day went. So we can be friends, just not with each other.)

Being an emotional warrior is a difficult task, only mastered through plenty of practice. I would not recommend you become an expert at it like myself. I honestly hope you never have to deal with heartbreak or disappointment too much in your life. I pray that your dating situations are not full of disappointments. However, if it is, you can easily be an emotional warrior as well if you keep the following things in mind: 

1. The person who hurt you sucks as an individual. (You know someone has to suck as individuals in my posts...lol) Seriously, the person who can not see how wonderful you are does not deserve to be with you. Do you realize how awesome you are? They suck because they let go of the kind of person that would be an amazing asset in their pathetic lives. So, if they decide to leave, let them. Because they ultimately suck as individuals for not recognizing how fantastic you are. Yes, you are wonderful, awesome, and fantastic asset all at the same time. ;) 

2. Maintain your spiritual walk. Your relationship with a spiritual source, whatever that may be, will assist you. This is one of the major relationships you maintain while you are single because in moments when human beings disappoint you, you can rely back on that spiritual source because it will never fail you. This spiritual walk provides you with strength. I believe a person is completely whole on their own when they are actively engaged with that spiritual side of themselves. Regardless of whether man loves me, I know God loves me. And that brings me joy. So whether it's God, Jesus Christ, Buddah, Auset, or Allah, you need to focus on a spiritual walk so situations like this does not hinder your spirit. That's the center of your joy, not a human being. 

3. They were not the first person to hurt you, and they may not be the last. I know it's terrible to say. But, this was not the first time you have been disappointed. You have dealt with this before. You still have some remains of the previous relationship you were in. Even if this person was "different" from other person, they are still human. And unfortunately, human beings can hurt others. So, trust me, you can handle this situation. And I'm sure it will not be the last time you deal with disappoint. Because, like I said, dating has become a dangerous sport and human beings are imperfect. So 9 times out of 10, you'll be disappointed again. I know that sounds pessimistic, but it is simply keeping things in perspective. 

4. Sometimes that person was removed from your life for a reason. Be thankful for that. You may find out that they are cheaters or liars. Why would you want to develop a relationship with someone who is hurtful to other people? What kind of relationship can you build with someone who sucks as an individual? Be thankful you did not develop a serious, committed relationship with this person because they would have ended up hurting you worse. And if you two did develop a serious, committed relationship, at least it is over and you have a chance to heal. Thank God that they left your life when they did. Remember, it could be worse. 

5. The next person that enters into your life will be better than that person. Trust me. Even if it does not work out with the next person, at least they will be a step up from the person you previously dated. I remembered dating someone and I thought I could not find anyone better. The amazing thing about God is how she (yes, I said she, take that back to your next Bible study..lol) is able to open your eyes about previous situations once you are away from them. When I thought this dude was the best thing since sliced bread, I met someone who was definitely a step up from him. While that situation did not last either, it was a step up from what I had. So remember that each situation is a stepping stone towards your ultimate dream mate. I have faith that my next situation will be a step up from what I had. And that brings a smile to my face. 

6. Keep in mind those positive aspects the person brought into your life. Maybe they opened the door for you to discover another side to you. Perhaps they were a great friend at the time. They may have shared a special family recipe with you. Regardless of what it is, that individual brought something positive into your life. Whatever that is, keep that in mind. While it did not work out, they did contribute something to your life in some capacity. You can be thankful for what they brought to your life and move on. No matter how terrible the split was, there was something you either learned or gained from being involved with them. 

7. Allow yourself to FEEL the hurt for a little bit. I know that sounds odd. But, trust me, it is healthy for you. Someone told me a long time ago that each relationship that ends is like a death. You go through the motions as if you have experienced a death. You may yell, scream, cry, cuss, punch a pillow, threaten the person, etc. And that's alright! You should FEEL that for a moment. If you shut down, you are not dealing with those feelings in order to deal with the situation. You cannot go through this life as a zombie because some idiot did not see how awesome you were. So, go crazy for a moment. Nothing wrong with it. That way you can remember you are human and heal from that. 

At the end of the day, we are all on the quest for this metaphorical notion of "love". Some were able to grasp it earlier than others. Yet, my sistahs and brothas in our 20s need to be equipped with certain tools on this journey of finding love. After all, heartbreak and disappointment is inevitable. However, it does not have to be the end of the world each time it happens. Take it from a pro, you will continue to live your life as usual. Life will continue to present you with various people until you find the one you want to share your life with. You may be taken off your rocker for a moment, but once you take a step back and evaluate the situation, you will come out of the situation a stronger person. 

No Panty Day Rant: Seriously?

I'm sure you have caught this image somewhere in your Twitter Log, Facebook Newsfeed, or Instagram. When I saw this the other day, I did not take them seriously. In fact, I laughed at the notion that anyone would take any time to discussing or celebrating this Instagram holiday. However, I woke up this morning with my Twitter Log filled with discussions about the No Panty Day.  I thought to myself, "Seriously? Did someone really start a conversation about this." I thought it was one of those random pictures people put on social media. After all, I put up several pictures a day. When I saw the conversation from the brothas and sistahs, I started to get annoyed. Extremely annoyed. I felt my blood pressure start to increase because I know there was some dumb broad out there who was going commando because some stupid Instagram picture told them to do so. I started making a few comments on Twitter and Facebook earlier. But I felt like I had more to say. Besides, most of the day today I was helping my friend and getting some school work done before my free day. (Sidenote: If you are a graduate student, my advice is to take ONE free day where you do not do any work. We all need a break before we burn ourselves out...but I digress.) However, I knew that I was going to rant further about this day later. Let me just tell you why I was confused about today. I just have a few things to say about this day before it ends:

1. Women going commando is NOT an unusual thing. Real women do not need an Instagram to tell us to go panty-less. So, for that person who created that Instragram, they just wanted that for their own pleasure. And let me tell you, when women go commando, it does not look like that. You'd be surprised at the women in Target who are going panty-less. However, they do not boast about it. It's not because they are trying to get attention. Sometimes it's for the sole purpose of utility or needing some freedom. If she has to run to the store after that evening shower, then she puts on some leggings without panties and runs to Publix. A lot of women do not sleep with panties on (unless they are entertaining...). Many women may wear long dresses without underwear on a warm day. Sometimes women don't want that panty line to show in white pants. Whatever the situation, women TYPICALLY go commando. Sometime throughout the day the sistah has no draws on. It's not worth making a fuss over. It just is what it is.

2. Certain things should be kept between women. I'm so tired of that one sistah out there who messes it up for all of sistahood simply because they want some male attention. The whole panty conversation should remain between women. It's just one of those things that we could keep to ourselves. I know that I'm a blabber mouth, an open book. However, my commando status is usually kept within that girl circle. MAYBE whomever I'm dating at the time knows. Otherwise, it's not really any of your business. At least not for me to share on social networks.

3. It amazes me how some women react to male horny impulses. Are women REALLY that hungry for male attention? I'm making an assumption that this image was made by a man because no woman would make a celebration of this. And we wonder whether patriarchy is alive today? Of course it is! The mere fact that a man can put something on social networks to get attention from women. Sisters, we can claim that we are so "free" from patriarchy, but we often are the ones perpetrating it for attention. Think about it: it's a day to facilitate HIS fantasy, not yours. His fantasy is to have you walk around commando. You think there will ever be a "boxer/brief free" day tomorrow? Come on now. Every woman knows hot penis is not sexy. 

4. I was tempted to wear my granny panties just to rebel. Yeah, the ones you wear during that time of the month that come in the Jockey 3 pack you get from Target. But I was already dressed before I decided to revolt. I was thinking of a Canary Blue color just to make a point. My form of activism and rebellion.

5. Simply because I consider myself a feminist does not mean I believe in the burning bra myth. Yes, the burning bra symbol of feminism is a MYTH. And quite frankly, I like my underwear! The older generation of women passed down this jewel that I will always remember: every woman should always have a solid foundation because if she feels good underneath, she will carry herself with more confidence. Having great underwear on leads to increased self worth? I don't know. However, there's some validity in that. Believe it or not, that's a billion dollar industry for a reason. Do you think that women wear fun/sexy underwear for the benefit of others? Hate to break the news to you, but we wear them because we like the way they fit and what they do for our bodies. That push up bra works really well with a certain shirt. The thong works well with a dress we have in our closet. We like what it does for us. Believe it or not, under garments have nothing to do with sexual attention. Besides, I have heard plenty of people say that underwear only "hinders the process". So, it's really for us.

6. A woman's REAL liberation is doing what she want to do regardless of what she's told to do. In other words, it's like I said earlier, commando is not unusual. Women who are comfortable with their bodies do what they want to do on their own terms. That is real liberation for women. We wear underwear because we want, not for societal norms. We go commando from time to time because we feel like it, not because some Instagram told us it was cute for one day. Grown, mature women are liberated because we rise above societal norms and do things because we feel like it. I'm starting to realize how freeing it is to just be your own person, removing all those things you "should do" and incorporate those things you "want". Of course no one is running a muck. Yet, it's doing you without any regret. At the end of the day, that's real liberation, not because you decided not to wear underwear one day it was in style.

The good thing about today was the fact that people were having conversations about  personal hygiene. Some brothas and sistahs received a tutorial about the female anatomy outside of sex. As I was looking on my Twitter Log, it was flooded with Vagina talk. I loved it. I was also disappointed to learn how little my sistahs knew about their own bodies. I could understand why the brotha's don't know, they only want the Vajayjay for one reason anyway. But, my sisters asking questions disturbed me on so many levels. So, perhaps the creator of this day had this in mind when he developed the idea for this so-called celebration. Enough people were annoyed enough to discuss it, brothas made enough jokes about it, and sistahs started to correct the brothas. Before you know it, regardless of gender, we all spent our Friday discussing this "V" spot. So, while I am ranting about it now, I see the outcome wasn't as terrible as I anticipated. We all got our  adult sex education today. So instead of calling today "No Panty Day" it should be a "Adult Vajayjay Education Day".  Eh, nevermind, it's not catchy enough. Well, until next year ladies, continue to do what you do. Because we all know that we do this all the time. ;)

After reading 50 Shades of Grey, here's your official warning....

You cannot walk into a bookstore without seeing this book. In the course of a week, I was told by at least four different people that I needed to read this novel. Even my MOTHER knew about this book because her coworkers were reading it during their lunch break. My mother was curious enough to put it on her Kindle. One of my friends sent me a text because she felt "naughty" reading it while she was at work. The conversation went a little like this: 

"Have you read this book Fifty Shades of Grey?"

"Fifty Shades of WHAT?" 

"Grey...it's so hot! I love it!" 

"What does that even mean?"

"You just have to get the book It's so great!"

"If you say so. Are you reading it right now?"

"Yes!"

"Aren't you at work?"

"Yup!"

"Is that wise?" 

"Probably not, I'm so naughty!" 

"Naughty? What kind of book is this?" 

"One that will get you all hot and bothered."

"Whoa....it's that hot?! No BOOK is THAT hot."

Of course I rebelled. I always do. I said on multiple occasions, "I've heard, but what's the big deal about this book?" Well, one day, I'm walking through Target (Sidenote: I need to buy stock in Target as much money as I spend in that store) one day with one of my girlfriends and see the book sitting on the shelf by the electronics. I thought to myself, "Well hell, let me open this book and see what all the fuss is about." So while she's shopping for various things, I lean against the red shopping cart and start reading the first few pages. It was cute. I was curious enough to flip to the middle of the book....I almost forgot to breathe. Literally, I stopped in my tracks almost bumping into a lady who was walking a little too close to me. She sucked her teeth and walked past me. But I didn't care. That short little passage made me fan myself like an old church lady right there in Target. I finally caught up with my friend and exclaimed, "I may not be broke as a joke, but I'm getting this book!" 

I became hooked to this story. Good thing I started reading it before summer school started. For weeks, I carried the book around with me, reading it at every free moment I received. When I really got into it, I had to call my mother and warn her about the book. I told her it may be a little too much for a 50-somethin' year old Christian Black woman. Her response was, "Jayme, I've read trashy love novels longer than you've been alive." I had nothing more to say after that point. However, while people were glorifying this book, I wish they could have warned me. A part of me believes that if you are going to read this book, there are a few things you need to know first. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell you what happens. I figured I'd complete my community service for the day and share with my sistah's some insight BEFORE they pick up the book. 

1. This is NOT your everyday romance novel. There are parts of it that are. But, for the most part, it's not your mother's romance book with Fabio in the front cover. It has a modern day twist that you would never suspect or imagine. While people told me about it, I was not ready for what the book was about. You'd have to read it to understand what I mean by this. 

2. The author is VERY descriptive. When they say say erotic literature, it is REALLY EROTIC literature. If you do not have a vivid imagination, this author will force you to have one. Once you get through a quarter of the book, your imagination becomes REAL graphic because the author's language is so detailed. Typically, when you read a book and intimacy is involved, the author leaves a lot of room for interpretation. Not this book. You know EVERY. SINGLE. THING. There's absolutely no ambiguity. You know exactly what is happening, when it's happening, and how it's happening. So if you are not ready to read some VIVID details, you may want to leave it on the bookshelf. This brings me to my third point.

3. Yes, the book has a lot of sex in it. A lot of sex. Plenty of hot and passionate sex. I suppose the notion sex sells has some truth to it. It WILL get you hot and bothered. 

4. Try not to read the book at night while your boo is sleep beside you snoring. It will only make you angry. While they lay there innocently sleeping, you are fuming because they are not Christian Grey. The book will frustrate you because you realize your mate is NO Christian Grey. Remember: he does not exist. He is a figment of a British woman's imagination. So try not to smother your significant other with a pillow during the course of reading this novel. If you feel the urge, go into another room and read it. This brings me to my next point. 

5. Try not wear your partner out sexually because you are worked up. I'm sure they will willingly accept the gesture. They may be confused as to where this sudden energy came from, but I'm sure they won't mind. However, try warm them up first. If it's been a while since you two been intimate, they may need to stretch and shower. But, I repeat, they are NOT Christian Grey. Your partner may not have the skill of Christian Grey. They weren't that great before you bought the book and they won't be after you finish the book. 

6. If you are single, Christian Grey will become your new boo. ;) You can snuggle to him every night and think about him during the day. However, I will repeat: Christian Grey does NOT exist. And if you do not have "equipment" or a "bag of goodies" before getting this book, you may need some....just warning you. 

 

7. Characters speak in a European vernacular/speech. I do not mean white, but British. Their conversations are a bit off. They say things that typical American folk do not say. After all, we aren't that bright. But I love their witty exchanges. Sometimes you are able to understand it, and sometimes you are not. They use larger words in a normal conversation as frequently as we do not. If you are taking a standardized test anytime soon with vocabulary words, this is a great book for you. 

8. If you have read the Twilight series, 50 Shades of Grey has several character similarities. There's a Jacob, Edward, Alice, Bella, Bella's mom, and Charlie. So, if you are aware of Twilight, 50 Shades of Grey is not a stretch. You basically have the same characters. 

9. Did I need to remind you again that Christian Grey does not exist? Well if you didn't catch it, let me reiterate: Christian Grey does NOT exist.  Lets be realistic people. 

So, before you pick up the book, keep in mind the items listed above. That way you can make a choice to whether you want to wake up your inner goddess (Ironically, that's in the book). It's the kind of book you can discuss with your girlfriends, not your partner. If you are a single woman, then you have as much fun as you want with this book. It is great for single women because we have something to look forward to in the romance department. While we know that these are fictional characters and situations, the book appears to be popular because it awakens something within all of us. Whether you are single or in a relationship, the book has had an impact upon people in some way. I do not claim that it is profound compared to other books. But it's the kind of book that allows you to let your hair down a little and challenge your inhibitions. I do not think the author is going to be giving relationship advice anytime soon. But, I do appreciate her for sharing her imagination with us so we all can live a little. ;) 

And yes, I'm going to pick up the sequel as soon as possible. Oh yeah, I heard they were making it into a movie. If so, I'm there opening night. ;) 

Being Selective: Smartest Thing A Single Woman Can Do....

Many articles have been written about women and dating. For some strange reasons, people are interested in the lives of single, black women. I don't understand it. Most of the articles I have come across deal with women being too picky, having unrealistic expectations, and needing to be "better" women for their men. (Can you smell the patriarchy?) My question is: where are the articles for the brothas out there to be better men? BUT ANYWHO, I digress. I find it interesting the assumptions people make about single women, whether they are in their 20s or 50s. The assumption is that you entertain every situation that comes your way. We simply walk around talking to every single person on the planet because we are so desperate to find someone to share our lives with. However, the reality is: everything is not worth entertaining. I know what you are thinking: how dare you be single and SELECTIVE in mate choices?  With all the plethora of single people out there, how dare you complain that there are not any compatible mates for you? That's real cute to ask that question when you have found your mate, or at least a simulation of a mate. The truth of the matter is, when you are single, you have to be VERY selective. 


Check out this scenario: You are introduced to someone who looks good on paper. They wear the right clothes, have the right job, no baby mama or kids lurking around somewhere, participate in community service projects, ambitious, the kind of person you can take home to meet the family, and the kind of person you can take to church with you on Sunday. Overall, they look pretty dern good on paper. You know this is the kind of person you SHOULD be with. But when you are on the phone with them, they start grandstanding. Did this become a job interview? They talk all about themselves, but never ask how your day is going. When you speak your opinion, you are "a trip". When the feminist banter starts to emerge from the conversation, they start talking about the women in their family, who "were quiet sources of power".  So, before you know it, you realize that you are not the woman for them. They are not bad for you, they simply are not the right fit for you. Yes, you are being selective in your mate choice. And the reality is: there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's completely natural for single women to be selective for the following reasons:


1. You are somewhat smarter than you were in your early 20s. If you are single and dealt with several relationships, you become a little wiser in your mate choices. I'm not saying we do not still make mistakes. Yet, you start to catch those red flags, realizing the individual is not the right fit for you. It's a "been there, done that" situation. It's not about being paranoid, it's about being cautious.


2. Simply because the person looks good on paper does not mean you are compatible. Sure, this person would be the perfect guy to introduce to daddy. Yet, you are bored to tears when you are with them. You have different interest. There's no chemistry. No "umph". And let me pause for the cause and say that simply because the brotha or sistah received the same education as you does not mean that they are Mr/Mrs Right. Sure, both of you have your MBAs, but that does not mean you two are compatible. 


3. No one wants to waste their time. This is not about wasting time because you are reaching your 30s and your eggs are about expire. It's about wasting your time dating someone you are not romantically connected to. Why would someone waste their time dating someone they know they have NO intention of staying with? Sure, the sex may be good for a moment. But after a while, that can get old. Yes, they are funny, but it gets old when you need them to be serious. So, why would you waste your time dealing with someone that you feel lukewarm for when you can involve yourself with an individual that you are on fire for? Think about it. *rowr* 


4. Settling is a sin. Yes, a sin. I believe that Moses mentioned it somewhere in the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not settle for mediocrity."  It's just sinful. I've met a lot of sistahs who have settled for someone simply because they think that they cannot find anything better. The sad thing about it, the people they settle for is a clear reflection of how they feel about themselves. The lower they feel about themselves, the lower the quality of man they deal with. That must be a terrible feeling, being trapped in that space not knowing you can get something better. Some women also settle for security. Because they desire financial security, they may deal with a brotha who puts them to sleep when they become intimate. They are "dry like toast...not honey, no jam, just DRY." (I'll give you 20 points if you can guess what movie that is from). That's the downside of settling. 

Now, let me pause and make one point very clear. Simply because you are selective, it does NOT mean you have ridiculous standards. No one would ever tell you not to have standards. But not dating a guy because he does not drive a certain kind of car is ridiculous. If you determine a mate based on superficial aspects (car, job type, educational attainment, income, short/tall, light skinned/dark skinned, etc.) perhaps you need some special couch time in someones psychologists office. And lets be real, he can fit your "type" and STILL be incompatible with you. There's nothing wrong with being selective, just don't be ridiculous. 


I'm not being selective because I think I'm so perfect. In fact, I know how IMPERFECT I am. Additionally, I realize how it takes a special kind of person to deal with someone like me. I'm loud, opinionated, controlling, and critical. Pretty much what you see is what you get. I may have changed in some aspects throughout my life, but I'm pretty much the same Jayme I've always been. Whoever decides to stick it out with me would have to understand that. Therefore, my selection has nothing to do with the notion that I'm "oh so wonderful". It's plain and simple: I know me. While I may change and evolve, at this very moment, I have a pretty decent grasp of who I am. More importantly, I know what kind of mate would work for me. With that in mind, I do not have to entertain every situation that comes into my direction. And you do not either. Singledom does not mean that you grab every person that sends you a nice message or smiles your way. You have the option to select who you want to invest your time with. Yes, the option. I know the magazine articles and blogs are telling you that decent single people are an endangered species. But that does not mean you have to be fearful of finding the right person for you. People are not selective because they are fearful of remaining single. And when you pick that person to spend extra time with, even if it does not work out in the end, you can have a clear conscious knowing that you selected them because you genuinely connected with them. And that person should be thankful that you choose them. ;)

The Dreaded Number Question...

Picture it: You and your new love interest are cuddling on the couch watching a movie. You two enjoyed a nice dinner, conversation has been great, and the movie has been entertaining. In fact, you are starting to get more comfortable with this person. After all, you've been seeing each other frequently the past few months. Suddenly, someone asks the question, "How many people have you had sex with?" There it is. The dreaded number question. Yet, inquiring minds want to know. Why? Well, there a few reasons why we may want to know. However, knowing the answer that question may do us more harm than good. While it appears not to be important, somehow it creeps into the conversation of new couples. I'm guilty of asking this question. And then get uncomfortable when I receive an answer I don't want to hear. Yet, I still ask! I have no idea why....wait, yes I do. 

1. I need to know what I'm up against. So, am I going to be a fairly NEW experience if we become intimate or am I going to be one of the 40+ people you have under your belt? This goes to a question of experience. How much experience have you had in this department? This makes a difference whether I need to bring special tools and talents or not. In other words, it gives me a frame of reference to go by. I've dated people who were carrying their V-card still and those who have been around the block a couple hundred times. Just need to know who I'm dealing with here. 

2. I'm nosey. Yeah, it's really that simple. I'm nosey. Inquiring minds want to know. Sometimes I ask questions just to be nosey. 

3. It lets me know what was your life like before we started dating. Were you sleeping with everything within a 10 mile radius or hiding in the bushes the moment someone winked in your direction? I realize these are extremes. Yet, asking the dreaded number question helps me understand your sexual behavior before we met. It allows me to draw a picture of the kind of dating habits you encounter. Again, it's simply a point of reference. 

4. If we are together, do I need to watch my back? After all, if you've been with half the women in the county, I may need to know so nothing is sprung up on me.

I know what you are thinking, "Why does it matter?" It is not THAT important. But, like I mentioned earlier, it gives me a frame of reference to go by. And lets be honest for a moment: you want to know. Don't act like I'm the only person that is curious to how many people your significant other has been intimate with. Certainly it is not grounds for breaking up with someone. In fact, it's not that deep. But, again, it's a frame of reference. So, you may freak out at the answer, but at least you have an idea. However, let me just be honest with this whole number system: 9 times out of 10, the person is either going to lie, tell you what you want to hear, or be embarrassed by their answer. With that in mind, they will make sure they turn the tables on you to see how many people YOU have been with. After all, you opened the door. So after you processed their number, whether it is real or not, you are asked to share your number. Crap. You were expecting the conversation to end after you asked them their number. You figure they would either be getting over their embarrassment or lie. Quickly, the spotlight is on you. You wonder a few things at this point. 

1. First, you are pissed that they have the audacity to ask you that question. Okay, so you did ask them first. But how dare they turn around and ask you? How rude. 

2. Do those one night stands count? Should I include them in the number? After all, they were just that one time when you were drunk in college. Perhaps I should exclude them, they were just one time, right? 

3. Do you include the times the sex was whack? Do those even count? Should you include them in your number if they were the epitome of the Minute Man? 

4. Now,  do those college "experiments" really count?  I mean, honestly. Most people explore their sexuality during this time. So this time period should be excluded from the numbers. That's what you tell yourself anyway to lower your number. 

I do believe that men and women approach this question differently. Women may try to exclude partners because they do not want to be labeled as a slut while men may add partners to make themselves appear more experienced. Even if the partner was their hand or in their head. This just shows you how socialized we are regarding our sexual behavior. While in North Carolina, my girlfriend and I were having dinner one night. Somehow, we got on the topic of our "numbers". We were embarrassed by our numbers, trying to keep it "low". In our minds, once you get to a certain number, you should start "slowing down". The question is, why should we be ashamed? Furthermore, why should we slow down? Our numbers are not considerably high. And if so, what's the big deal? Women are taught to be reserved when it comes to sex while men are taught to tap everything moving. It's a terrible double standard. I suppose men are expected to have fun while women sit around saving themselves for marriage. However, we all know the truth. If not, let me drop a dime on you. You remember in American Pie 2 when the girl mentioned the rule of 3? If a woman says she's been with 1 guy, then that usually means she's been with 4 guys. On the other hand, if a guy says he's been with 4 women, then that typically means 1 woman. In other words, you add with a woman and subtract with a man. Simple math. 

But at the end of the day, does it really matter? This dreaded number is a conversation topic that could easily be ignored in a new relationship. After all, when you are starting to date someone, you want to feel like YOU are the only one that matters. In other words, you want to be special. No one wants to walk around wondering whether their significant other is comparing them to other lovers. You may have been with 20 different people in the past, but I still want to believe that I'm the best lover you've ever had. I know it sounds crazy because the educated sistah within me knows that there will always be someone better. However, my emotional 20 somethin' self wants to believe that I am special. But I realized, no matter how many partners a person had in the past, they did not have you. And that should be enough to make you feel awesome. There's only one you. As long as that person does not bring up these previous escapades, then you should be content in the fact that they want to focus their attention on YOU. 

I'm guilty of thinking too much, which takes me out of the current moment. I've been told that I need to learn to live in the moment. And I'm starting to realize that the dreaded number question takes you out of the moment you are sharing with your significant other. Yes, I've asked this question. And I've walked into something I was not ready to hear. But we cannot assume that people were saints before they met us. People lived full lives before they even knew we existed. The same goes for you. After all, you've had experiences with other people before you started talking to this new person. 

So what's the big deal? Who knows. It's not that deep. But we still ask anyway. 

Finances, Debt, Credit...and Relationships? The Money Question...

I always look forward to the summer time during the academic semester. I can recall moments where I thought to myself, "I sure can't wait until the summer time." Honestly, I don't know why I get so excited about the summer time because it is my most financially straining time. The refund has run out, but the bills continue to come. Everyone in their 20s know that bills do not stop simply because money is not coming in. That's the bittersweet part of being a career student, you have bills like everyone else. However, you have to find alternative ways to pay your bills outside of a 9 to 5 job. In other words, it gets real tricky. 

This made me start to contemplate the important of maintaining finances. Not only does it help maintain your credit (which is totally a systematic way of keeping "certain people" from getting "certain things" since we live in a system built solely on credit), but it may make you more marketable in a romantic sense. Yeah, I said it. No one wants to build a relationship with someone who cannot manage money correctly or who has filed bankruptcy. Not to say that people are that superficial. Yet it is defiantly something that people examine when considering their mate choices. We start to realize this in our 20s because a lot of us are obtaining credit and bills during this time. So, we have to maintain our bills for us AND our prospective significant others. This is also when things become tricky. 

So, I asked the question on Facebook whether finances were an important part of choosing a significant other. The general consensus was "it depends." This is quite ironic to me that people are so relaxed when it comes to finances of their significant others, especially since financial issues are the top reasons people get divorced. I found that quite strange. So it's cute before you say, "I do." Afterwords, its not so cute anymore. We are a confused people. However, I do understand what many of my brothers and sisters were trying to explain to me. These are some observations I've made regarding finances and relationships. 

1. I won't really suspect financial foul play unless you show me. I've dated some people who never showed me their financial strain/savvy. One person I dated may lay it out for me the kind of financial strain they were in while others kept it hidden from me. When you are dating someone, that's usually something you do not really think about until a situations opens up a certain conversation. However, in the realm of finances, I usually claim that you are "alright" with money until you prove to me otherwise. In other words, you are innocent until proven guilty. If I see you still live with your mom, yet you spend a large amount of money on clothes you do not need for a job you do not have, I'd be concerned. On the other hand, if you offer me money for something when I know you are in the same situation as me, I will wonder where the money is coming from. If you bring up finances, suspicion and questions will arise. So before you start bringing up finances, make sure you are open to certain questions especially if you plan to be with that person. 

2. Your financial situation says a lot about who you are as a person. How you spend your money says a lot about the kind of person you are. Are you a spender or saver? Do you properly prioritize? How reliable are you? How responsible are you? Once that financial door is opened, I always pay close attention to how people spend their money. Why? If they get some money and do not use it adequately, that shows me your priorities are off. If you were unemployed, and then the moment you become employed you do not make an effort to help those who helped you during your time of crisis, then it shows me your a selfish, inconsiderate person. I've learned to watch. 

3. Do not get mad at the other person for not being financially savvy when you are always footing the bill. Come on now, we are ALL struggling on some level in our 20s. Unless you are Bill Gates heir, you are not rollin' in the dough. So why are you supporting someone who is not willing to support themselves? You pay the bills, allowing the other person to remain content in their situation. Then you end up resenting that person because they are not making an adequate contribution. Ladies and gentleman, don't get mad when you are footing the bill and not allowing them to be ACCOUNTABLE for their finances. Been there, done that. It's not a good place to be. I dated a guy where I was footing the money for gas, food, and some expenses. This lead to so much resentment, I couldn't be intimate with him. When we stopped dating, I realized how much money I was spending just to spend time with him. But, I could only be mad at myself. 

4. If a person went to college, then those expenses can be ignored....unless they still spend like a college student. I can't be mad at someone who incurred credit expenses during college. After all, I'm still in college myself. Most of us in our 20s are still in school or furthering our education. If your significant other has debt because of student loans, then they can be ignored because it proves that they were trying to do something constructive with their lives. Yeah, sometimes car payments are not made on time. Credit card bills are pushed aside because you are trying to survive. So, if a person is working on their education, they may come with some credit issues. HOWEVER, if they are continuing to apply for credit cards like a college student, then I would raise an eyebrow....and walk out the door. 

Honestly, I'm not the most financially savvy person in the world. My mother tells me all the time how money and I do not mesh very well. However, I know how to survive and prioritize what is important financially. But, if there's a sale as Bath and Body Works, then I may spend a little more than I should. What can I say? Those fragrances and lip glosses are my weakness. And don't even get me started on Lush's bath bombs or facial creams. I could drop some money just on pampering, smell-good items. Is it a good choice? It depends on what bills I have to pay first. ;) However, I realize how important it is to pay attention to how we spend our money. I feel sorry for whoever decides to be in a committed relationship with me. They will have to deal with my bills and debt I've incurred since being in school. Yet, I would make an effort to take personal responsibility for my own debt before getting involved with someone long term. I understand why some people decide to wait to marry someone: they want to get their finances together to protect the other person. If you care for someone, you want to come into the relationship with as much of a clean slate as possible. After all, you may incur bills together. The least you can do is take care of YOUR stuff. The good thing is, you have the time to do that during your 20s. This is the time you create debt as well as starting the process of getting out of debt. In our 20s, we are learning how to be more financially fit. I know you did not ask for my advice, but I'm going to give it anyway: take this time to deal with your financial issues before deciding to commit your life to someone else. But, believe it or not, finances are important when it comes to relationships...even in our 20s. I am not saying that you should think of a significant other that does not exist when you buy a new dress online (Modcloth.com is AMAZING! ). After all, I'm an advent believer in treating yourself. But, try to make better decisions regarding your finances...you may be rewarded for it in the future. ;) 

Is it too late to discuss the movie "Think Like A Man"?

Long time no chat huh? Well, I'm back after a small hiatus. Don't hate me too much, you knew I'd be coming back. ;)

I'm not one of those people that go see a movie the first weekend it is released. In fact, I'm probably the last person in the group to actually see a movie. While everyone is talking about the movie, I'm sitting quietly wondering if I feel like paying $20 bucks to see a movie that I may not like or wait until it comes out on Redbox. You can never loose with Redbox. Anyway, I finally went to see that movie "Think Like A Man" that everyone has been raving about. Before the movie even came out, people were telling me, "Jayme, you need to go see that movie and tell us what you think." Well, I finally went to see the movie one random Thursday night with some girlfriends of mine. I over payed for the movie ticket and nachos to see this movie. And you really want to know what I think?

It was cute. 

That's it. The movie was cute. It wasn't profound and I doubt I will buy the DVD. When I go spend $50 dollars to go see a movie in the movie theater, I do like to think that I would POSSIBLY buy the movie on DVD. However, this was not one of those movies. I'm not knocking it because it was a cute movie. It was a pretty good romantic comedy. Nothing out of the ordinary, they simply incorporated Steve Harvey's book within it. While I only saw it as "cute", there were some other observations I made about the movie. Disclaimer: If you have not seen the movie yet, then do not read these observations. 

1. I hope they did not plan to have a soundtrack out for that movie because the only song they played throughout the entire movie was John Legend's "Tonight's the Night". Don't get me wrong, it's a fantastic song. But I don't want to hear it over...and over.....and over...and over again. I'm sure they could have played more love songs. I have an Ipod shuffle list full of love songs they could have picked from other than John Legend. Come on now.

2. I appreciated witnessing the male bonding. We were able to get a glimpse into the male bonding in a funny, productive way. All of them were different men with different walks of life that are genuinely friends. It made me wonder whether brotha's actually have similar conversations. As a woman, it was good to know that men can have similar conversations as women in a group setting. I haven't seen a good male-bonding movie since The Brothers and The Wood.

3. I'm so glad they did not glorify the book! That was the best part for me. I was expecting them to infer that the book was the best thing ever created for women. However, it appeared as though they were poking fun at how women looked at the book like a dating bible. While it was messed up, the brotha's in the movie used the book against women. This is an aspect I don't think anyone really considered when the book was released. Whose to say a brotha did not pick up the book and use it as a resource tool? When the book came out, I wondered to myself, "I wonder how many brotha's out there are mad that Steve rewrote the man book for women?" And yes ladies, there's a mythical Man Book out there other than Steve Harvey's book. I think they receive the manual at birth, I'm not sure.

4. There were WAAYYYYY too many cameos! Did every black person in the entertainment community decide to play a role in this movie? My goodness. Was there some sort of group rate for the movie? Just pick a few good actors and actresses to play the roles and call it a day. They were just doing too much. Don't they know that less is more?

5.  The movie was more about the hype than the actual quality of the movie. Again, don't get me wrong. It was a cute movie. But the way people were hyping up the movie, you'd think it was the next Love Jones or Waiting to Exhale. But, it was not even remotely in that category. Like I said, it was a cute movie, but nothing legendary. Many people hyped up the movie so people went to see it. Every time you went on Facebook or turned on the television (well, before they cut off my cable..*tear*), you would hear how we HAD to go see this movie. Yes, it did very well in the box office. But simply because it did well in the box office does not make it a good movie. That simply means you marketed the movie well. Promotion was exceptional for this movie, which caused us to run to see it. Yet, at the end of the day, it was alright.

6. Honestly, I appreciated the romantic scenes. While some of the romantic scenes were a result of the characters trying to "beat the women in their own game", they actually did a great job romancing them. I saw chocolate and roses in the same scene, that did it for me. Perhaps this can help some couples get some ideas on what REAL ROMANCE is. Take some notes ladies and gentleman. Romance is possible in a relationship.

7. THE ONE THING that may make me buy the DVD was Kevin Hart's character. I thought he was hilarious in the movie. He played the role extremely well. But, I'm a Kevin Hart fan.  I read an article saying that Kevin Hart may be the next romantic comedy star? I would not go that far to say that. However, his character added some extra fun to the movie.

8. Why is it that the only white guy in the group had to tell these brotha's how to treat their women? It perpetrated this savior complex, that we had to get sound advice from a white, married man. Don't get me wrong, I love him as an actor. Also, I hear he's married to a sistah. However, throughout the movie, you mean to tell me that he was the ONLY voice of reason? I suppose I expected that from Kevin Hart's character. But he was too busy wanting to go to the strip clubs. This is the moment where my scholar cap came on. (Sidenote: never go see a movie with a scholar. We start analyzing the movie from a completely different context. So unless you want our insight, you may want to see the movie with someone else.) So, you mean to tell me that the only person who could give them some sound advice was the white guy? What kind of image is that portraying? I'm sure I'm going to be told I'm over analyzing it, but I don't think I am. Is the entertainment industry trying to infer that black people cannot engage in healthy conversations when dealing with relationships on their own? Furthermore, the only way we can "see the light" is when the white guy tells us what to do? Hmm. That did not sit right with me. Feel free to call me a militant, but that bothered the scholar within me.

9. The movie did not insight any serious conversations regarding relationships. I searched for days after the movie was released and did not see much of anything other than the box office ratings. I understand that the purpose of the movie was to entertain. However, I think that venue would have been a great opportunity for us to engage in a serious conversation about relationships OUTSIDE of Steve Harvey's book. I was anticipating more conversation that did not happen. I do not think it is asking for too much to have a movie that allows future generations to look back and say, "That movie was a great representation of black relationships." I'm waiting for that movie. We've had some of them in the past. But that was some time ago. Perhaps I anticipated this movie to be "that" movie. Unfortunately, it was not.

HOWEVER, the movie served its purpose to entertain us. Perhaps it did for a brief moment. But just like every fad, it ended as quickly as it started. It was not a terrible movie. Like I said, it had some positive aspects. But I could have waited until it came out on Redbox. ;)

Ode to North Carolina: Speak a Little Louder Next Time....

The only thing I've been thinkin' about is that song by Petey Pablo, "Raise Up". "NORTH CAROLINA COME ON AND RAISE UP"....oh we raised up alright. We raised up a bit of controversy the last few days....

So, we have been waving our rainbow flags all week. First we have voiced our opinions against the Amendment 1 followed by Obama claiming that he supported same-sex marriage. Yeah, we are all gay now. I'm actually extremely proud of people taking a stand against those who have been marginalized based on their sexual preference. My problem is this: where was all this fire before? All the sudden, people love the idea of same sex relationships and fighting against what marriage entails. What bothers me is that we rarely visit this discussion until it is throw in our face by possible legislation or an issue brought to the president. Now all the sudden I see Facebook pictures and status dedicated to the issue. Unfortunately, I have not seen any discussion like this in a long time. I'm proud we are having the conversation. However, it came a minute too late.

Earlier this week, I had to work on my final paper. So, I was not able to write a blog as quickly as I wanted. Ironically, I did an analysis of Audre Lorde. She was an amazing scholar who discussed this entire issue that we have been tackling all this week. If you don't know who she is, then you suck as an individual and need to do your research on her before you support anything dealing with rights of same-sex relationships. She tackles this issue from a very realistic, unique perspective. The thing that I wondered while we were sitting here debating same-sex marriages and defining what marriage entails is what Audre Lorde would have to say about all of this. What would people like James Baldwin add to this conversation. Again, if you do not know who he is, I suggest you look him up as well to get off the "you suck" list. But I digress. These people were advocates for gay and lesbian rights within the black community. However, they have left this earth, leaving us with the same questions that they asked during their time. I wonder whether they are rolling in their graves right now, wondering whether their works were in vain. We are still battling inclusion. We still struggle with this issue of what equal rights entails. What bothers me is that it took a passage of a bill for us to start this conversation.

This is not only a week turmoil for same-sex marriages, but single women as well. We are under a siege right now. When I saw the Amendment 1, I recognized that my life was under a microscope as well. I thought to myself that the only way I can be protected as a single woman is if I'm married. Really? So, even if a couple decides they do not want to rush into marriage, this amendment makes it so that they should get married in order to receive any legal rights or protection. (Insert the confused face here ) So, I just want to make sure I get this right. You want to create a policy that defines marriage and parenting. Fine. However,  most marriages end in divorce. So even if you define marriage between a man and a woman, it does not help with divorce rates. Marriage is a legal and economic arrangement. Sure, you love the person. But you also know that if you marry this person, then your living expenses may significantly diminish. Also, just because a man and a woman create life does not mean they will make great parents. There are plenty of unsubs out there who had a mother and father who treated them poorly. So what exactly are you trying to accomplish with this policy to define what parenting and marriage entails? What is the purpose?

As a single woman, I do not believe I should be forced to marry a MAN simply because we share a life together. That's what this policy is trying to do. It perpetrates the notion that being single or not wanting to get married is somehow damaging to society. Also, that my life does not have much worth. Really? So, in a domestic violent situation, I will not be protected because I decided not to marry the man who is beating me? Hm. We are going back to the days when women's rights were not valid. My voice is not important and my choices are not protected because the government does not know what to do with an educated, single woman. So in order to be protected, my life has to follow a particular path. I have to get married to a man, have my 2.5 children with the golden retriever in the backyard. Sounds like a great life in theory. However, what if I don't want this life? Why can't I choose to carve my own path? Why can't I be protected by my choice?

Anywho,  I want to point out some of the things I realized regarding the Amendment as well as Obama's statement: 

1. We can see the exciting lives of single women in Sex in the City and invite gay men and women in our living rooms while watching Glee. However, people cannot accept the idea that these individuals have real rights. They are simply means of entertainment. My life as a single woman is not a means of entertaining you Mrs.Suburban Housewife. You just wish you had my life. You can admit it. You say you have gay and lesbian friends, but you do not want your son or daughter to identify themselves as gay. You can be around them, but you cannot include them in your life in a substantial way.

2. Some married people do not want to share their rights with those in same-sex relationships. When discussing this with my dad, he mentioned how people do not want to share their rights with same-sex couples. There's the assumption that same-sex relationships are not blessed, not a result of true love. But is marriage always a result of love? Also, how does my life somehow threaten your life? If a lesbian couple decided to marry, I would go to the wedding. If a woman decides not to marry the man she's with, she has a right to sue him if he assaults her. But people do not want their picture perfect lifestyles to be threatened in anyway. That's the American way, I suppose.

3. People need to dismantle these myths associated with single women or same-sex relationships. There's many misconceptions about these lifestyles as something sinful or degrading. If you are gay or lesbian, then you must be sexually repressed in some way or a nympho. If you are single and/or in a committed relationship that doesn't lead to marriage, they think you are trying to be a rebel. Both of these groups are challenging the status quo. Let's not give them rights so they can fold into the "normal" way of living. But what is "normal" nowadays? Even "normal" married folks deal with various issues. But, people are quick to reject what they don't understand.

4. Last time I checked, Jesus was too busy saving souls to be concerned with same-sex relationships or single folks. I've been doing some serious Bible reading this past year, focusing on the life of Jesus Christ. And, believe it or not, he did not mention a THING about marriage or same-sex relationships. He was too busy saving souls. He was criticizing the church and the church leaders. And that whole "God made Adam and Eve" argument is ridiculous. God needed us to reproduce. There was no artificial insemination at that time. I'm just saying, perhaps it is not a sin like we think.

5. There should be a CHOICE. Everything in life is a choice. I don't care whether you understand the lifestyles or not. Every human being should have a choice of how they plan to live their lives. That's a human right. While you may not agree with it, that's your problem. But do not take away an individual's choice to life their lives the way they choose. Period. Women's rights is all about giving women the option. That's it. Unfortunately, there appears to be only ONE path you can take in life. And if you do not take it, and something happens, then that is your punishment for not following the "normal" path.

6. We are A LONG WAY from reaching equality. We are NOT in a post racial society simply because Obama is president and immigrants are able to have a piece of the American pie. It's like this mythical place that we are trying to reach and we have no idea what it looks like. We have not escaped the -isms and patriarchy in our society. Unfortunately, we are surrounded by racism, class ism, sexism, as well as homophobia and patriarchy. They are alive and well within our American blood. You want to talk about a melting pot. I'm still trying to find the dern thing. Because as far as I'm concerned, it does not exist. People are defined based on difference. That's what helps other people feel better about their crappy situation.Newsflash: We are ALL in crappy situations. But don't hate on your neighbor because of that.

7. People always go to the extreme when you open the door of accepting different lifestyles. "So they want gay people to marry, what's next? They will allow a man to marry a goat?!" First of all, why the goat? Second, why does the extreme have to be so....well extreme. Next it will be a goat (poor goat), then it will be incest and the list will go on. One door has nothing to do with the other door. If Billy Bob wants to marry his goat, we can deal with that once we take care of this whole non-married couples/same-sex business. Billy Bob will just have to wait.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love North Carolina with all my heart and soul. It's like I tell people, I'm a Carolina girl to the bone. Yet, this Amendment passing does disappoint me. I understand the politics and the economics behind it. But the humanitarian in me is frustrated that we have lost yet another battle. However, a law is not going to change the mindset of people. Moreover, it will take a long time for policies to catch up to the mindset of people. Look how long it took for Jim and Jane Crow to be repealed. Remember how long it took for Women's Rights movement to receive recognition. This will just be added to the pile of 'isms that we have to continue to fight. While we've taken some steps to combat racism and sexism, they still exist. The same thing will go for sexual preference and lifestyle choices. It may be a continued battle for the next few years. I do not foresee any major progression taking place that will protect various lifestyles. However, we need to start educating ourselves and our children. Break the cycle of ignorance within our generations so that future generations won't carry the same burdens of hatred. We need to take a more active role in dispelling myths and accepting lifestyles that do not match our own. It's a battle we will all have to participate in if we want to see change occur in the future. Lets not let this disappointment defeat us. I don't want the memory of Audre Lorde and James Baldwin to be in vain. If anything, this defeat should cause us to fight harder and speak a little louder next time. :)

Dating Someone You Already Dated: Fairy tale or Epic Fail?

Don't you hate those conversations you have with your friends where you have to PRETEND that you are happy for them when you really want to tell them they are idiots? Well, I had that a few times with my friends, both men and women, who entertained the idea of dating a former lover. The conversation usually goes a lil somethin' like this:

Person: So, I heard from ____, and we had a great conversation.

Me: Oh really? Well, I'm glad to hear ya'll were able to have a decent conversation.

Person: *looks at phone* Oh look, they are texting me now.

Me: And you're going to respond?

Person: Well yeah, I'm really thinking that they've changed. We're just talking for now and seeing where it goes. 

Me: You mean the same crazy person you dated before who lied to you, yelled at petty stuff, and drove your blood pressure up so much you had to get counseling? You want to see where THAT goes? 

Person: People change Jayme. And it was nice to hear from them. We'll see where it goes. Maybe we can make an honest go at it. 

It's usually at this time when I shut up and respond with a melody of "Hmm". Honestly, I do not know what to say. At this point, they have made up their minds that they are going to consider talking to this crazy ex boyfriend or girlfriend. That's the problem with telling your friends all your business when dating someone: your friend is just as invested in the relationship as you are. So if things go wrong within a relationship, then they become more protective of you. Word to the wise: some things you keep to yourself. Anywho, I've become that friend that had to sit back and allow things to happen in my friend's lives. It really sucks because you want to scream at them, "Are you FREAKIN CRAZY?! She/He was PSYCHO, AN UNSUB!" I've seen so many of my family and friends do it. Trust me, I've had this conversation several times. 

But, I have to take a step back because we have all considered it at some point in our lives. All of us have thought to ourselves, "I wonder what ___ is up to." Before you know it, you are picking up your phone to send a text or sending a FB message. Then, several weeks pass and you two are still chatting it up. You ask yourself, "Maybe this could work again?" Then the justifications come in your mind.

"Well, they are off the narcotics and are sobered up now."

"Well, she's on her medication, so she's not as psychotic as she was when we dated."

"He only cheated on me once, and he said he hasn't stopped thinking about me."

"We did have some great times together..."

Honestly, looking back at my former relationships, there may be ONE PERSON that I would entertain dating again. But the rest of them jokers? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Hear me, ABSOLUTELY NOT. Don't get me wrong. My formers were not terrible individuals. We simply were not meant for each other. However, if I did rekindle a relationship with a former, I would have to keep in mind the following things: 

1. Remember why you two broke up in the first place. I think people get caught up in that moment of rekindling something with someone because they focus on the GOOD things they shared with that person. While it's nice to remember the good things, be cautious of those things you DID NOT like about the person. If you are going back into a relationship that ended for a reason, make sure ya'll don't break up again for the same reason. It is like the cliche', "Ya'll broke up for a reason." Keep that reason in mind and work on that. Whether it was trust, insecurity, or petty drama, focus on mending that issue before trying to rekindle something. 

2. Keep your friends/family OUT of it. Perhaps that's why ya'll broke up in the first place. It's not healthy for everyone to be involved in your relationship anyway. There are some matters of the relationship you should keep private. After all, family and friends will already have their judgments about the individual based on the previous experience you had with them. If you choose to rekindle with a former, keep in mind that they will STILL feel that way about them. So, focus on the relationship, and keep family, friends, coworkers, mentors OUT of it. This brings me to my next point. 

3. Your friends, family, coworkers, mentors WILL NOT forgive this person like you did. I can think of several people that my friends and family have dated that I did not like. In fact, I was thrilled when the relationship ended because I didn't have to deal with that person anymore. But if they decided to rekindle the former that I could not stand, I will STILL NOT forgive that person. I will always remember how they hurt my friend/family. So, you can tell me that this person rescued a person from a burning building, I will still not care. The only thing I will remember is when she/he cheated on you, busted your windows, or stood you up on your anniversary. 

4. Proceed with extreme caution. Do NOT be fooled by the same con. You remember they did the same thing when you first started talking to them? They seemed so sweet and considerate at first. Before you know it, she's following the directions of Jasmine Sullivan and busting the windows out of your car. So, make sure when dating a former that your proceed with caution. Look at their behavior. If it is too familiar and too similar to the last time ya'll dated, you may want to be VERY careful because that means nothing has changed. Some may take that as a comfort. But when it comes to a former, it's a dangerous path. Be careful. When my friend told me he was dating an ex (who was crazy...like unsub crazy), I told him the same thing. BE CAREFUL. 

5. Typically, people don't change when dealing with dating, they just get craftier. Don't get me wrong, I believe that people can transform...but it's not a huge transformation. While you may not need the narcotics anymore, you may chain smoke to ease the urges. While you may still lie, you just are more crafty and sophisticated with your lies. When people show you who they are, believe them. Whether good or bad, people show you who they really are. It's a matter of whether you recognize it or not. But go in with your eyes WIDE open. 

So overall, is it worth it? It depends. You have to do a lot of self evaluation to figure out whether it is worth your time or not. It could be a fairy-tale situation, or you may end up rehashing old wounds. When I asked on Facebook whether people would date a former lover, many people responded with a flat out, "No!" I expected that. I would have to say that I would agree with this sentiment. In your 20s, there are too many options out there! This is the time to know what you can and cannot handle, what you do and do not like, what works your nerves, what turns you on, etc. However, if you date someone already, you've already experienced what you like and do not like about the individual. Been there, done that. So what's the point? You may rekindle something for a brief period, but would it last? Is it worth your time that you could be spending with someone new? That's what the 20s are all about: learning about new people, having new experiences as well as compiling a database for future references regarding self and others. Yet I understand the other side. After all, there is always that ONE person that you could go back to. I know I have that person. Also, if you don't try it, you will not ever know for sure what it could be. I get that. 

But it boils down to this: is this situation worth your time? is it worth the risk? And you better have better answers for those questions than the justifications mentioned above. If you decide to roll on with that dude/chic that you dated four years ago that you think is "oh so wonderful", then that's your prerogative. No judgement here. However, I will tell you to consider some things before you make that decision.......and keep your options open. ;)